Fear and Loathing

Not An Update

2010-12-05T22:03:00.001-05:00

I'm still not ready to come back to blogging, but if you miss my inane ramblings, you can go here, which is a truncated version of this blog.

I Tried To Stay In The Car. I Really Did!

2010-05-15T19:39:00.014-04:00

Blog
* He's lying, you know. He didn't try to stay in the car AT ALL. Title is from Castle, which got renewed!

People I Love
* Kelly Osbourne looks awesome (and I want her hair), her fiancee is adorable and practically clear he is so pale and blonde, and her dress amuses me to no end:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Really, how do I get that hair color? We as a society need to make this happen.

Geek Want
* When did sneakers become so amazingly cool again? And can we possibly get some Firefly sneakers? OOH, or Doctor Who-themed Converse, in honor of David Tennant? I HAVE SHOE IDEAS THAT THE WORLD NEEDS. Ahem. Here are Paper Mario Nikes:

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, but my Imaginary Sneakers Of Super Awesome wouldn't be almost $200. That amount of money doesn't exist! HAHA.... I want to go shopping.

Food!Fail
* After multiple cakes of adorable charm, I figured I'd show you one that will crush your soul and destroy the very fiber of your being:

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Saddest. Cake. Ever.

Technology
* Here's a guide for watching porn on your iPad at work. I don't have an iPad, I don't watch porn (especially at work), and to be honest the fact that this article exists makes me want to sob over the fate of society. People, please: WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME TO ENJOY PORNOGRAPHY. Or at least aren't at work. I know it's about office work, but I just keep thinking about airplane pilots doing this, and I have ENOUGH PLANE ANXIETY AS IT IS, OK?

Life Lessons
* I love Spongebob, and I will not apologize for that. Plankton and Squidward are brilliant. And after a long day at work, sometimes I want to watch a talking sponge go jellyfishing with a squirrel, OK? I DON'T JUDGE YOUR LIFE. And while there are endless jokes involving Spongebob, and drugs, few are quite so accurate. Here's your handy guide for the spongey chemicals.:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Oh, and one episode definitely had a joke about Spongebob innocently delivering drugs to Patrick. For reals.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, AKA Sam Merlotte from True Blood. Have I mentioned I miss True Blood? In the South, everyone has amazing supernatural sex all the time and drinks and eats insane food. It's on HBO, so you know it's true.]

Daily Icon

[Sophia Loren, proof that goddesses do walk among us, and maybe if we stand close to them we can absorb some of their fabulosity.]

Movie!Win
* Have you seen The Raven? It's six minutes of epic fucking genius:

Avatar can EAT ME, I'll just watch this for two hours. And you know what? I'll be HAPPIER.

Wow
* Guys, what do you even want me to say here? What COULD I SAY? I just... I don't know. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's been a weird week, with a lot of stress, and I don't even OWN any chicken memorabilia:

[Found at The World's Best Ever]
To quote Warren Ellis, NO CHIKKINS.

WTF, INTERNET
* Ladies and gentlemen, I present a reusable Pokemon Maxi Pad. So when women have their period, they look at Pikachu:

[Found at Neatorama]
This is either the best thing or the worst thing ever to have happened in the history of the universe. I don't know. I can't decide. It's sort of hilarious, and entertaining, but it's Pokemon and I don't know. I'm more alarmed that someone looked at a Pokemon and decided to create a maxi pad. Who looks at Pikachu and thinks, "Wow, I'd love to BLEED ALL OVER THAT ONCE A MONTH?" I DEMAND AN ANSWER. Or maybe not. Maybe some things are best left unknown.
And maybe it's just me, but I don't much like the idea of Pokemon leaping into my lower orifice.

Animals
* BABY WOMBAT BABY WOMBAT IT IS SO TINY AND WEE AND BABY WOMBAT:

[Found at Daily Mail]
Wombats are native to New Jersey, right? I CAN HAZ? I'll name him Sigfried, and he can sleep at the foot of my bed with my dog and cat. BABY WOMBAT.

Music
* If Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Metallica all had a huge orgy and then a hideous freak baby emerged from that unholy union, this is what we'd get:

I've named it MetalliGaga. Featuring Beyonce.

TeeVee
* I am full of conflict. For years, FOX has been the Evil TV Overlord. They cancel ALL the shows I love, and make me cry, and fuck up the order of the episodes they do air (remember what they did to Firefly? DO YOU?) or they cut the number (Arrested Development) and basically take every show I love and shit all over it, leaving me a miserable and angry fangirl shouting into the void of the internet, while Life, Unexpected gets renewed on the CW (I have never seen this show, but the commercials were so obnoxious that I hate the show forever now) (CW is still the WB, no matter what ANYONE says).

But the winds are changing. No, really. This year, FOX made Glee, and they renewed Human Target AND Lie To Me, when common sense insisted that one of them would get the axe, which made me enormously happy, because now I have snarky British Tim Roth AND Jackie Earle Haley on a weekly basis. So apparently FOX is taking a break from making me sad, since they already cancelled Dollhouse a while back.

BUT BUT now NBC is being dickish. As I mentioned, they cancelled Heroes. And while I love the show (I have to admit Igave up this season because I had no idea what was going on, and nobody seemed to have any clue what they were doing, and Hiro was sad all the time, and Sylar was more whiny than insane/sexy, among other reasons) it was time for it to go. It had a good few years (its first season remains genius) and deserves to step out with dignity (and a return of Christopher Eccleston as Crazy Invisible Pigeon Man Of Secks?).

Unfortunately, NBC has decided to steal the Dickish Network title from FOX, for reasons I cannot comprehend, and is just ENDING the series on a CLIFFHANGER, and not even giving us a series finale TV movie episode THING. AND THAT IS HORSE-SHIT. LV DOES NOT APPROVE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. The show was really good, and juggled some very complex (occassionally demented) plot lines, and ROBERT FORRESTER WAS A VILLAIN, DUDES. AND SULU WAS ON IT. SULU. SULU WILL FUCK A BITCH UP. God dammit, I'm remembering how much I used to love the show.

OK, new plan: Sylar and Peter Petrelli team up and fight the NBC Executive assholes, shirtless, and Hiro makes that adorable wobbly face, and Sulu KILLS EVERYONE, and then the cute boys all kiss, and Claire falls down a well (OH, and Ali Larter, who does not have a power but a DISORDER) the end.

I miss Heroes.
- LV

Big Damn Heroes.

2010-05-14T18:05:00.016-04:00

Blog
* This needs to be added to my list of T-Shirts I must make. Title is from Firefly.

Comics
* I don't usually follow Spider-Man's orders, but I do believe in the importance of voting:

That being said, I'd do pretty much anything The Beast said. You don't mess with him. He's a large blue dude. You don't piss off large blue dudes.

Girly!Want
* I need everything in the following picture, and you all need to buy it for me:

[Found at Haute Macabre]
Why do you need to buy it for me? Oh, there's an excellent reason.... but I can't tell you. It's a secret. Just trust me, and send money.

Food!Win
* This is the cutest cake since the Wall-E cake. Maybe even cuter:

[Found at Geekologie]
Yes, it is in fact cuter. But not too cute to eat. In fact, it's too cute NOT to eat. Look, I don't have to make sense, it's a goddamn Ewok cake and I need to nom it RIGHT NOW.

Words Of Win
* So I think Heroes is canceled (the information is confusing and contradictory, and Greg Grunberg keeps saying it isn't, and I suspect NBC doesn't really know, or they're worried Zachary Quinto will get into method acting and try to study their brains).

Which is too bad, because for a while it was a brilliant show with much awesome and sexy guys angsting all over the place. Which I enjoy. I hope they do a TV movie series finale, because the show deserves a good send-off. And maybe Christopher Eccleston will come back with his pigeons. A girl can dream. But I digress:

I think if Sylar and Peter had just hugged more, the show would have remained good. PS Claire annoys me.

Childhood!Fail
* It's not unplugged, is it?

[Found at Friggin Random]
Nope, it totally isn't unplugged. Who wants to field trip to the hospital?

Daily Hot Guy

[James Marsters, who is inarguable proof that an English accent makes even hot guys hotter. It's inexplicable, and unquestionable. Anyway, he's in a suit, and if you pretend he's speaking to you in a British accent, life is quite wonderful.]

Daily Icon

[Xena, who hung out with Bruce Campbell, which is even FURTHER proof she's a goddess.]

Iron Man 2
* Hopefully you've seen it by now, and SAM ROCKWELL was in it, which I knew and then forgot about, because I am a terrible person. I love Sam Rockwell. I want him to be the villain next time. That would delight me. Anyway, here's a clip:

I saw it twice in one weekend. Actually within 24 hours. Not on purpose. Honest. Tony Stark rules.

Whut?
* Continuing my theory that People Are Awful/Confusing/Frightening, I present Ginormous Mermaid Bosoms On A Tiny Little Girl:

[Found at World Of Wonder]
I'm not even going into 'Mermaid Assistant.'

Doctor Who
* The Doctor in LEGO form! Lookit! Nine! With a Banana! Random Capitalization!

[Found at Neatorama]
I miss Nine. I want a Three Doctors with Nine, Ten, and Eleven. Please? I've been a very good girl. In my mind.

True Blood
* True Blood is getting another werewolf this season. And, since it's True Blood, there will be enormous amounts of nudity:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Frankly, as long as Eric Northman shows up and is hot and evil and text messaging people, I don't give a shit what happens.

Supernatural
* Rather than post a review of last night's season finale of Supernatural (as I screamed on Twitter, TOO MANY EMOTIONS TO EXPRESS WITH MERE WORDS, BUT I THINK IT WAS GOOD, YES?), here's a GIF that makes life worth living:

[Swiped from Miss Bushido, who shows me such goodness]

Epic!Win
* This sums up my entire view of internet life:

[Found at Very Demotivational]

Books
* Sigh..... Here's a review of 1984 from Amazon:

At first I did like the book. Then it just started to suck right around the time when Winston was getting sexually involved with his girl friend. I hated the book so much that I forgot her name. The first hundred or so pages i liked, then it just got really boring. So II highly reccomend that you DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. And please for the love of God don't read that "Brave New World" book by Hoxley. It is twice as worse as 1984. To put it bluntly, DON'T READ ANY GEORGE ORWELL. Your just waisting your time.

You misspelled 'Huxley.' And you used the incorrect form of 'your.' And I hate you. I hate you so much. Frankly, I don't think George Orwell WANTS you to like his book. There's a review of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, but it made me feel violent and shouty, so click the link to read it.

Stupidity should be painful. Wait, is that why I have a sinus headache? DON'T ANSWER THAT.
- LV

Always Be Yourself, Unless You Suck.

2010-05-13T17:35:00.013-04:00

Blog
* The world would be so much better if more people followed this simple rule. Title is from Joss Whedon.

* THE BLOG IS BEING UPDATED. THE FOURTH HORSEMAN IS SHOWING UP (actually, if you watch Supernatural, he already showed up, with pizza!). I will be explaining the long absence, but a lot of it is Super Sekrit At The Moment, so just pretend I have been busy knitting and touring the world and living a fabulous life of decadence. Or something.

Want
* Warren Ellis wants us to declare war on the moon:

If Stephen Hawking endorses this course of action, I'm ready to engage in battle. Provided I get a big shiny weapon.

Crafts
* I will be the first to admit I am bad at math. Unless it is algebra, which I am scary good at, numbers confuse and frighten me, and I think you should just figure out the bill, OK?
But even I, with my questionable grasp of simple arithmetic, see a problem here:

[Found at Regretsy]
So... it's $10.00 in money, prettily folded. But you're charging $20.00 PLUS shipping and handling? It's like a riddle. WHERE DOES THE EXTRA $10.00 go? Is this just a test? To see if someone would pay money FOR MONEY OF A LESSER AMOUNT?
I'm not even dealing with the fact that it's shaped like a cross. There's only so much I can handle.

Politics
* So, remember that politician Dave Vitter? And how he got off on wearing diapers around prostitutes?

[Found at Wonkette]
Nothing's going on with him. I just like to remind people that America has a United States Senator who enjoys wearing diapers for sexytimes. That's all. Carry on.

Ad!Fail
* In the following ad, a cucumber is hiding in the shower while a nakedish lady panics because her boyfriend/husband is going to walk in and find her fornicating with the salad:

[Found at LikeCool]
A few notes, dear readers:
A) OUCH.
B) EW.
C) All I can think is, does the cucumber have a penis, or is the woman pleasuring herself with anthropomorphic vegetables? Because the paramedics should be on call.
D) I have no interest in purchasing any product that assumes I want to get naked around fruits or vegetables. And now I'm afraid of salads. Well done.

Scary
* OH GOD IT'S COMING TO GET ME IT WON'T STOP NOTHING WILL STOP IT:

I FOR ONE WELCOME OUR NEW TERRIFYING OVERLORDS THAT CANNOT BE TIPPED OVER.
The longer you watch this video, the more upsetting it gets.

Social Networking
* Still, doesn't one get points for honesty?

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Not a lot of points.... but points.... I'm trying to be more positive, and YOU ARE NOT HELPING, INTERNET.

Daily Hot Guy

[Steve Carell, from the not-very-good movie Dan in Real Life, but he's wearing a sweater and plays guitar, and I quite possibly cried when he sang 'Let My Love Open The Door,' because I am an utter sap deep down, and now that I've admitted that I need to go think about violence and explosions and zombies for a while.]

Daily Icon

[Patti Smith, who is cooler than all of us could ever hope to be, COMBINED, with Robert Mapplethorpe, ALSO cooler than anyone could ever dare to hope to be. Man, this is the New York City I wanted to live in. The rest of you can live in Sex & The City. I'll be over here with the amazing people.]

Apocalypse How?
* Some people are working on technology that allows you to steer your car with your eyes. Can you imagine trying to apply mascara with this going on? Or checking out a hot guy? You could meet the hot guy AS YOU CRUSH HIM BELOW THE WHEELS OF YOUR VEHICLE.

And while the article is quick to point out this doesn't seem to be consumer-aimed, THINK ABOUT IT. 'Oh look, a puppy. It's so cute-OH DEAR GOD I CAN'T LOOK AWAY FROM ITS ADORABLE-' CRUNCH. Then you go to hell. The end.

Tattoo Of Win
* I'm not going to lie: I have no idea what's going on here.

[Found at Ugliest Tattoos]
I think it's better that way. Please don't explain it to me. Ignorance is bliss.

Nostalgia!Win
Let's end this on a happy note, shall we?

The Muppets make everything better. That is fact. Anyone found arguing with this fact will be shunned hideously by everyone they know and love.

Tonight is the Supernatural season finale. I'm very nervous. I will be discussing this via blog later. Be prepared.
- LV

These Are All Just Random Sentences, Folks.

2010-04-23T10:46:00.002-04:00

Blog
* That's an amazingly succinct description of my blog. Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

This is just a non-post to tell you all that I'm updating fairly regularly at EllEVeeV, my personal blog, with much yelling and random memes. But I will return to regularly scheduled blog updates, HONEST, and SOON.

OK, resume your Friday, people.
- LV

What Are You Hacking Off? Is It My Torso?! It Is! My Precious Torso!

2010-04-14T21:12:00.003-04:00

Blog
* He's going to feel really dumb when he realizes they're actually cutting off his less significant toes. Title is from Futurama.

Books
* Unusual blog entry ahead: I am going to post a list of my comfort books. These are the books I turn to when I'm tired/stressed out/the world seems cold and cruel/we're out of energy drinks. They sustain me. And as a result, I have huge chunks of them memorized. I've read these books so many times that some are onto second or third copies, simply because the original versions fell apart.

Some of these books are funny, some are sad, some are very strange and probably shouldn't be described as 'comforting,' but these are the books I love best when I feel worst. In no order, because what sort of monster do you think I am?

This is part one, because this turned out to be much longer than I anticipated, and anyway now I get two blog entries out of one idea. GENIUS.

* Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry: I was introduced to this epic Western novel years ago, thanks to the mini-series (which is one of the greatest Westerns, ever, END OF CONVERSATION, and even if you don't like Westerns you should see it and read this book) (if you don't like Westerns, I am totally judging you).

The mini-series may also be the reason I had a very, very long-term crush on Tommy Lee Jones, because Woodrow Call is one of the original B.A.M.F. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

It's a beautiful book. It tells a story, with characters you come to love desperately as they make their way to Montana. It breaks your heart. It intertwines lives in unexpected ways. And every time I read it, I want to run off and be a cowgirl.

There's a whole book series, but the original really is the best, and as for the other movies, David Arquette was in one, and I do NOT wish to discuss that, because it hurts my SOUL.

Oh, and if Woodrow F. Call is unavailable, I'll take July Johnson. He got no love in the book, and that made me sad. And he's played by Chris Cooper in the mini-series. Hell, you know what? Watch the mini-series, then read the book. I'll allow it, this one time.

This is one of the books that fell apart. Badly. I still have the old, broken copy, but one day the pages summarily threw themselves from the book in a desperate bid for freedom.

* A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, by Betty Smith: I've loved this book since I was little, and it's part of the reason I wanted to live in New York.

The problem is, THIS is the New York I imagined, and I got there and realized everyone else wanted to live in Sex & The City, so there was no time for heartbreaking, beautiful stories about poor families and the lives they lead, because we're all talking about BAGS AND ORGASMS, GOD THIS SPECIES IS SHAMEFUL SOMETIMES.

Ahem. The last line of this book makes me cry, every time, because I am always sad that the book is over.

* The Club Dumas, by Arturo Perez-Reverte: This was a movie too, and I was super excited, because I freaking love this book so hard, and the movie was directed by Roman Polanski and starred Johnny Depp.

Unfortunately, that movie ended up being The Ninth Gate, and while Johnny Depp has never been more attractive to me, because I like shabby bastards, the movie was sort of not remotely good.

Even the trailer makes me sad, because Johnny Depp is looking very hot, and Roman Polanski is a brilliant director, and the book is fantastic. But skip the movie, which makes very little sense at all, and I have to wonder if the screenplay simply didn't translate from Spanish, or to Spanish, or something, because really WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

The book is about a terribly immoral, duplicitous rare book dealer who gets mixed up in a bizarre retelling of The Three Musketeers while searching for a book that will supposedly raise the devil. Lucas Corso is a twisted, fucked-up shell of a man, and one of my very favorite characters.

And I may own a copy of The Ninth Gate, but for SCIENCE AND RESEARCH, people. I am a student of the human condition. And Johnny Depp as a chain-smoking rare-books dealer is a very happy idea.

Edit: Is this book out of print? IS IT? I can't seem to find it on Amazon, and that is worrisome, because it is in my opinion Perez-Reverte's best book, and I don't want it to be out of print, DAMMIT.

Edit 2: It's not out of print, so go buy it, quick, before it TOTALLY IS.

* Phineas Poe, by Will Christopher Baer: OK, this is a cheat, because it's really three books in one big-ass volume of insane brilliance. You get Kiss Me Judas, Penny Dreadful, and Hell's Half-Acre, which make up the Phineas Poe trilogy, and Phineas Poe is one of the best names ever, right? He's a fucked-up former detective, maybe, whose wife was possibly murdered, but she's definitely dead, we think. And there are assassins and crooked cops and snuff films and drugs and sex and violence and true love and botched surgeries and games where the losers end up dead.

I wish I could accurately describe these books, but they are a surreal, beautiful, acid trip. The writing is gorgeous and disgusting. Just when you think the book is delving into the macabre solely for the shock factor, Baer will deliver a line that is so funny or heartbreaking - or both - that you're tempted to go back to the beginning to revisit every exquisitely painful moment.

Another one of my favorite last lines, which I don't think is in the original publication of Hell's Half Acre, and in my opinion it makes the book.

PS Baer's next novel, Godspeed, was supposed to come out in 2006. I remember. I was working at Barnes & Nobles, where I later got into trouble for suggesting every single customer buy Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis. Especially children.

Anyway, it is 2010, and Godspeed still has not come out, and nobody will tell me why, and I waited for MONTHS and called the company we ordered from so many times that they refused to answer my extension, and I JUST WANT TO READ MORE OF HIS WORDS, WHAT THE HELL? DANIELLE STEELE HAS BOOKS FALLING OUT OF HER ASS (no offense to Ms. Steele, I wish I was as prolific/successful as her, and anyway I haven't read one of her books, um, ever), AND HIS LAST BOOK WAS IN 2005. LOOK HOW ANGRY THIS MAKES ME. I WILL WRECK THIS BLOG WITH MY ANGER. METAPHORICALLY.

PPSS I love you, Mr. Baer, and do not blame you, unless this is your doing, in which case I blame you a LOT.

PPPSSS OK, Phineas Poe is unavailable on Amazon, but is available for a disgustingly cheap price on Deep Discount, and you should buy it. Read this:

I must be dead for there is nothing but blue snow and the furious silence of a gunshot. Two birds crash blindly against the glass surface of a lake. I'm cold, religiously cold.

That's just the first fucking LINES, MAN. I think I need to go read it again.

- LV

Have You Ever Watched Daytime TV? It's Terrible.

2010-04-05T11:27:00.013-04:00

Blog
* Obviously this does not include Maury, who is beyond such verbal slander. Title is from Supernatural.

Wow
* This disturbs me on so many levels. This is in no way OK. George Lopez and Wax George Lopez share a tender moment:

[Found at Best Week Ever]
This could be the opening scene of the WORTS PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE EVER. OH GOD MY MIND'S EYE JUST BLINDED ITSELF.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know, Internet, we need to talk. I get that as a culture we are fascinated and amused by penises. We're a little fixated. I get it. I won't argue that. But we may be entering truly depraved territory here:

[Found at Nerd Approved]

DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS? IT IS A FAN, WHERE THE PENIS IS THE FAN, AND HIS BODY IS ALL DEFORMED, AND HIS PENIS IS A FAN, GUYS. A FAN PENIS. Maybe I'm a weird girl, but DO NOT FREAKING WANT. WHY IS HIS PENIS A FAN? WHY IS IT COMING OUT OF HIS BELLY BUTTON? WHY WOULD I PAY $10.00 FOR A DEFORMED LITTLE MAN WITH A PENIS FAN?

WE HAVE BEEN BROUGHT LOW, PEOPLE.

Writing
* When I am having writer's block, or need inspiration, or just want someone to admit that writing can REALLY SUCK AS A CAREER, SOMETIMES, I read Warren Ellis' blog:

Ha ha I thought I was done with the Marvel Anime job but it turns out I forgot something that they need in 48 hours ha ha oh god my eyemeat hurts and I’m sleeping in four-hour blocks and god I hate deadlines so much especially when it’s my own damn fault for thinking this stage wasn’t due yet and I will be done with this job today or this job will be done with me and so will life.

Then I feel better, until I remember that he gets paid to make the words, and I do not, and then I have to go be alone for a while, with my RAGE.

Easter
* I know YESTERDAY was Easter, but you know what? Time is an illusion, and blogs are timeless, and I wasn't near the internet yesterday, because I was busy eating and drinking and making merry with various relations, SO BITE ME. Anyway, consider it a kindness that I'm posting this AFTER Easter:

[Found at Regretsy]
So you decapitate the lamb-cake, and it bleeds, and nobody in your immediate family is EVER OK, AGAIN, THE END. What is going ON in Milwaukee? Are lambs slaughtered on Easter? I don't know these things, I just show up at the parties and eat stuff and wear super-cute outfits. That's how I roll.

This is how Jesus rolls:

[Found at World of Wonder]
JESUS AND A WEE BABY RAPTOR. YES. ALL RELIGIONS WOULD BE IMPROVED BY THE ADDITION OF RAPTORS.

Animals
* OK, I need to correct myself. America is obsessed with penises, and our pets. From the time I was a wee sprat of a lass, I have been taught, NO PETS AT THE TABLE. Particularly when you have to STRAP your pets to the table:

[Found at Incredible Things]
This is insane. I am sorry, but COME ON. It's a high chair, for a small cat or dog. Now, the animals I know would not be happy about this. They would claw the EVERLOVING FUCK out of a table, rather than deal with this sort of indignity. And it's $50.00.

You know what? The Four Horsemen aren't showing up. They're too EMBARRASSED.

Music
* Louden Swain is the band of Prophet Chuck from Supernatural. They are also incredibly good, and that confuses me, because Prophet Chuck should not be singing such lovely, funny, catchy songs:

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE. UP IS DOWN. BLACK IS WHITE. NERDS ARE HOT. Wait, nerds are always hot. Carry on.

Movie!Fail
* Remember XXX? The stupid Vin Diesel movie, pretty much like every other stupid Vin Diesel movie, only he had tattoos, I think (I don't really mind Vin Diesel. He has terribly nice arms, and has made a career out of having nice arms and a deep voice, and I respect that). I don't remember, except that the opening scene had Rammstein, yes? And Samuel L. Jackson was there? Right?

OH, and there was a sequel, with Ice Cube, but I didn't see it. But now we're on the third installment, which will be in 3-D.

FEAR AND LOATHING PREDICTION: There will be at least one line about "XXX.... IN 3-D" or some awful play on words that will make me die inside at the FAIL of the world.

Did you guys know we're up to the fifth installment of The Fast & The Furious? Yeah, I'm sad too.

Daily Hot Guy

[Neil Patrick Harris, AKA NPH, AKA HE'S GOING TO BE ON GLEE, YOU GUYS. DO YOU COMPREHEND THE PROFOUND RIGHTNESS OF THE UNIVERSE IN THAT STATEMENT? Oh, NPH, how do I love thee? Let us feast upon White Castle, and you can sing to me, OK?]

Daily Icon

“In America you can get away with murder, but not with sex.”
- Xaviera Hollander

Want
* Have I ever told you guys about when I worked at Troma Studios? Yep, I interned there one summer, and MAN, do I have some stories. Ask me some time, and I will offer forth tidbits of the glorious-ness.

Since I worked at Troma, and had to do some pretty degrading things (but it's OK, for ART) I should get these radiation barrel glasses for free, right?

[Found at Geekologie]
And yes, I know that these aren't made by Troma, and have pretty much nothing to do with Troma at all, but in my mind they have a correlation, and so I get them for free. SO IT IS WRITTEN, SO IT SHALL BE DONE.

Harry Potter
* For those of you that are not almost deliriously excited by the Harry Potter theme park, I'd suggest you skip over to the next section, because I am pretty fucking stoked beyond words about this, and if you think it's lame, that is just dandy, more butterbeer for me, FUCKERS.

Ahem. Behold, Hagrid's hut:

[Found at Slash Film]
I'm going to get wasted with Hagrid and go flirt with Snape. SHUT UP, BEST THEME PARK EVER. You're just jealous. Fools.

Interwebz
* 'Chexting' is my new least-favorite word. I hate it. It's cheating through text. Like sexting, We don't need to shorten ALL WORDS, people. Journalism used to be about figuring out corrupt political scams, or exposing injustice. Not thinking up the technological equivalent of 'Bennifer.'

Anyway, let's see what they say:

Their affairs have spawned a new word in pop culture, chexting, and raised the question of whether it really is cheating on a spouse. The experts say, you bet it is.
"It's lipstick on the cellular -- digital proof that becomes evidence you've been unfaithful," says Peter Dedman of Predicto Mobile, the largest paid mobile community in America.

Lipstick on the cellular? I hate everyone. Ever. All the time. THIS IS NOT NEWS.

PS As I was told on Twitter, 'Chexting' sounds more like the snack than a crime. Chex are delicious.

We are all doomed, but it's OK, because Neil Patrick Harris will sing to us, and maybe do a duet with Louden Swain, IN MY MIND.
- LV

Clouds Don't Kill People. People Kill People.

2010-03-29T20:31:00.016-04:00

Blog
* What if people killed people, only with the mighty power of clouds? Did I just blow your mind? HA, a wind joke... don't look at me. Title is from Psych.

* April I will be blogging every day for NaBloPoMo, because the blogging here has been disgraceful. Really, there is dust everywhere, no one has been in here to blog in ages, and IS THAT A ROACH? SOMEONE KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Music
* I am going to pimp out my friend Danielle's EP, Stagefright at Traffic Lights, because A) she is brilliant and beautiful and Irish, B) she is a wonderful friend, and C) the EP is remarkable. My personal favorite song is 'Pact,' but her piano work and lyrics are lovely, funny, and sad. It's dark, clever cabaret, and worth a listen. You can sample the songs for free, but you need to download the album to get two secret tracks. Oh, and Danielle is also a writer, a blogger, and I think I need to go visit her in October at Octocon, FOR SCIENCE.

Whut?

[Found at VeryDemotivational.com]
I get it's supposed to be a joke, but Patrick Star over in the corner is REALLY freaking me out. Also, WHAT?

Food!Win
* See, this cake is too cute to eat, which I think is rude.

[Found at Geekologie]
How can I eat something so adorable and sweet and wholesome? ....OK, I would, but I'd feel guilty about it. Really guilty. There would be tears. Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer had to eat Pinchie, because Pinchie would have wanted it? Yeah, basically that, only me weeping between bites of cake, whimpering, "Why did you have to be so delicious, Wall-E, stop staring at me is that real buttercream icing?"

Words Of Win
* See, guys, it's stuff like this that makes people hate America:

[Found at FailBlog]
Hell, I hate us, and I live here. Oh, and I really wish they'd put an apostrophe in "you'd," because that is how my brain works.

Fandom
* Did you know you can buy a replica of the dagger Jake used in Avatar?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
For $129, you can immediately ostracize the many, many people who didn't like Avatar (or, like me, thought it was overrated, and preferred the original version, AKA Ferngully: The Last Rainforest).

But you know what you can't buy? The best picture Oscar, HAH. It's OK, James Cameron is wiping his tears with $100 bills, while I make nasty comments about his expensive memorabilia. So everyone wins, really. Remember when Avatar lost the Oscar to a movie that didn't involve hair!sex? Yeah, I was excited. I'm sorry, it was a beautiful movie - really, visually gorgeous and I want to be Sigourney Weaver when I grow up, but I am an immature young lady, and I cannot get past the fact that they ran around STICKING THEIR BODY PARTS IN LIVING THINGS. It's rude. I'm sorry, this is the last rant on Avatar ever. It's time to let it go. I must be stronger than my exasperation.

What was I talking about? Oh, the daggers. They're very pretty.

People I Love
* Did I ever tell you guys about the time Warren Ellis Tweeted me, and I was so worried I'd say something to inspire his much-deserved wrath that I had to turn off my laptop and go drink some tea, to calm down? Probably, because I love and fear Warren Ellis and the awful things he says. I also love Twitter, to the point where my private account has a shameful number of Tweets that speaks of serious problems, but I never use my Facebook, so it evens out, RIGHT?

Anyway. This is how Warren Ellis refers to Twitter:

Twitter: A Shitbox For Your Brain

And thus it is. I mean, look at what he writes on Twitter. BEHOLD:

* Haven’t trimmed my beard in so long that it’s gone from Crackling Virility Hedge to Hobo Rape Thicket.

If Twitter is a Shitbox for your brain, there are disturbing implications about my need to compulsively Tweet my irritation over toilet paper commercials.

(WHY BEARS? SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW THIS WILL SELL ME A PRODUCT).

Love and fear are both part of the Warren Ellis packet. And sometimes some nausea. Also, I really really need this Brain Bleach Mug, so someone should buy it for me. I'll blog more! And... drink coffee from it, probably.

Daily Hot Guy
[Misha Collins, AKA Castiel from Supernatural, AKA "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," AKA BAMF ANGEL, AKA did you know his appearance is based on Constantine from Hellblazer? Yes, I have a problem with him. No, I don't want to talk about it. 2010: The Year Of Hot Badass Angels. And LV said it was good.]

Daily Icon

[Carrie Fisher, inarguable proof that you can be a total hottie, an actress, an author, a memoirist, and a brilliantly funny human being. And have a sense of humor about your gold bathing suit.]

Awesome
* It's funny because it's true. And it explains why blogging in the morning can be nigh on impossible, when there is suddenly decaffeinated coffee in the vicinity. What is the point of decaf? TO DESTROY LIVES AND BLOGS, THAT'S THE POINT.

[Found at The Oatmeal]
There are four more phases, and only two of them are good. The other two... we don't talk about those. You can't crash if you NEVER STOP DRINKING CAFFEINE. No, I never abused my caps lock key before I started ingesting energy drinks on a daily basis, why do you ask?

Technology
* I usually blame the failings of technology on the evil demons that live in the internet, or my own near-legendary skill to destroy things without trying. So when this reason came up in the Bastard Operator From Hell-Style Excuses Server, I felt JUSTIFIED:

Daemon escaped from pentagram .

The excuses on this page for server errors make me happy, and I think if we all used them constantly, the world would be a better place. Now someone go redraw the pentagram. And get more rock salt.

Life Lessons
* I don't know if Millarca made this or just found it, but either way it is the ultimate and final truth:

If she and Freddie Mercury joined forces, the universe would be a fabulous and lovely place. Why is this not the way life is?

Movie!Win
* Yes, this is very old, but you know what? Win is Win, and I demand that some of these improbable movie trading cards exist, RIGHT NOW:

[Found at Automatic Lifestyle Dispenser]
I would buy Barton Fink trading cards. I would buy them like nobody's business. And Miller's Crossing trading cards. Man, that was a fantastic movie. Oh, and remember The Hudsucker Proxy? I love the Coen brothers. And they seem like they'd make trading cards, don't they? This feels so right.

Wow
* Sometimes, I really and truly believe that the internet was created with the sole purpose of slowly driving us all insane:

[Found at LikeCool]
Why? Who looks at a mosquito (one of the most evil creatures on the planet, and right up there with raisins and clowns on the list of Things LV Hates & Fears), and thinks, 'Gee, wouldn't it be super-nifty if mosquitos were mated with elephants, and destroyed civilization by SMOOSHING US, THEN SUCKING THE SMOOSHED BLOOD?' You know what? I don't want to know the logic there. Mosquitos are evil, and I hate them, and now I need a tennis racket for when it gets warmer, because these things are coming.

Yes, artistically it's gorgeous and well-done, but let's forget that and focus on the abject horror here. And why do I feel like the elephant is undressing me with his eyes? I'm all sorts of uncomfortable.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know what? It's images like these that make me want to give up on this category, because there is HONESTLY NOTHING I could write that would in any way enhance the insanity of this product:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
It's a Screaming Condom USB drive. Yeah. You know, I don't get paid for this. And if I did, I'd be demanding a raise, because HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE ANY JOKES ABOUT A SCREAMING CONDOM USB DRIVE? THE PRODUCT IS THE JOKE. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE.

Now I have a headache, and a pervasive fear that a random blue condom will show up and scream at me, and I will never know why. Well played, Internet.
- LV

Did You Ever Get That Ninja Ghost Out Of Your Toilet?

2010-03-15T17:26:00.015-04:00

Blog
* Actually, we came to a cautious truce with the ninja ghost. His name is Frank. We don't use that toilet anymore. Title is from Invader Zim.

* LOOKIT. A REAL BLOG ENTRY.

WTF, INTERNET?
* At first, I thought this was just a joke.

see more Epic Fails
It's not.
Now, let's try to imagine using this in real life. What do you do when your partner straps this onto their head? How do you respond? Laughing awkwardly while trying to gather up your clothes? Hitting them with the nearest lamp and fleeing to a nunnery/convent/monastery?
I can see someone buying this as a gag, but the idea of a person purchasing this with the serious intent of using it to find their partners' bits just messes with my head. You should not need a special light for this. The end. NO, THE END. The conversation is over.

Fandom
* I don't give a crap WHICH fandom you are a member of, this may very well be the most terrifying pillow in existence:

[Found at Regretsy]
Its neck NEVER ends. It just goes on and on forever, and bobs gently in the breeze, as it stares at you with its dead, empty eyes.
And the name itself bugs me: Manllow. Shouldn't it be 'Manillow'? Or are we worried that Barry Manilow will sue? This pillow raises questions I simply am not qualified to answer.

Animals
* I'm pretty sure one of the girls from World Peace Through Jackie Earle Haley showed me this. I remember crying with laughter for several minutes.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

I want this frog to be America's mascot. Not for any political reasons. I just love this frog.

Music
* The quality isn't great, but A) it's Butch fucking Walker, and B) I WAS AT THIS SHOW, with the sublime Laroux74, and we had to SWIM to get there, and I want to go again. He's better in concert, and I didn't think that was possible.

Zombies
* The fact that this site exists makes up for pretty much everything I've ever shown in WTF, INTERNET?. Oh, and it confirms that ZOMBIES ARE TAKING OVER. WE ARE DOOMED. WHERE'S MY FLAME THROWER? I TOLD YOU GUYS I NEEDED ONE.

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)

Scary
* I hate myself for posting this. Reason number infinity I DO IN FACT NEED A FLAME THROWER, YOU GUYS. BURN THE EVIL.

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Clowns are proof that we live in an insane, evil universe that wants us to cry under the covers forever.

Daily Hot Guy

[It's OK, everyone! Tim Roth is here and he's going to shoot the clown, then set it on fire, light a cigarette off the burning clown, and make a pithy yet cutting remark in his accent. I feel better now. Tim Roth=Destroyer of Evil.]

Daily Icon

[Maya Angelou, writer, poet, literary goddess, and surprisingly funny when she's not breaking your heart. If all you've read of her work is I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings (in high school, under duress), reread it. Then go find her other works. Her poetry is breathtaking.]

Social Networking
* At least it's succinct:

see more funny facebook stuff!

Girly!Want
* Hopefully my readers either like really pretty shoes that I cannot afford, or naked lady butts:

[Found at Like Cool]
For those of you that enjoy both, you are very welcome. Now get me those shoes.

Food!Win
* Why isn't there a God of Caffeine? I mean, I jokingly make up minor gods all the time, like the God of Tangled Yarn, or the Goddess of Tripping In Front Of Your Ex And His New Girlfriend, or Goddess Of Being Out Of The One Goddamn Comic I Want To Buy This Week, but those don't count. I mean a real God of caffeine. Or a religion. We could worship caffeine, and talk about our favorite ways of ingesting caffeine, and maybe sacrifice sleeping pills to caffeine, possibly? This is starting to sound more like a support group. Which I'm also OK with.
And we could eat these:

[Found at ThinkGeek]
Yes, caffeinated cookies exist. And if you ingest them with energy drinks, you can run backwards through time. Or, you know, keel over and have to spend some time in the hospital.
Notice I managed to write a whole entry about caffeine without abusing the capslocks key. Just a sign of how little caffeine I have ingested today, and why I am a sleepy little blogger.

Moment Of Win
* Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the dentist....

see more Epic Fails
You know what would be even SCARIER? Put the oral sex light on the bear's head.

Epic!Fail
* I love England, and I want to move there and live there forever, because I think it's the best place in the universe. I am a fan of England. But before I relocate across an ocean for the love of all things British, events like these must stop taking place:

A DECISION to drop charges against a 10-year-old yob who admitted stabbing a teacher in the chest with a pencil and assaulting two other staff was condemned last night by teaching unions.

Children: Do not stab your teachers with ANYTHING. This is something I should not have to tell you. (Incidentally, why are you reading this blog, hypothetical child? WHAT ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING?)
Police: Do not drop charges against people who stab other people, with pencils or ANYTHING ELSE, OK?
Actually, if this had taken place in America, the kid would have stabbed EVERYONE with bayonet he made out of beer cans, and there'd already be a reality show about it, a made-for-TV movie, and a clothing line with strategically placed holes. So never mind, England. Carry on. Love, LV

People I Love
* I cannot draw. At all. In my wildest fantasies, I cannot draw. I accept this with a measure of bitterness, because I would very much like to have some talent in that area.
Luckily, my friends are brilliant, and draw pictures of Spider Jerusalem that make me happy in every way possible:

{Drawn by Puina]
So she'll draw things, and I can be all, 'I know wicked talented people, bitches,' and take pride through the accomplishments of others. Excellent plan.

I'd make some promise to blog regularly, but then you'd all be cross if I don't, and frankly I don't need that stress in my life. But I have an upcoming interview to post, reviews, yelling, stuff you need to buy made by people I know and love, and even a few serious pieces. It's ALL HAPPENING, PEOPLE. Eventually.

And if I don't blog, my excuse is that the state has FLOODED, and I'm chilling on my roof.
- LV

I Blogged In The Other Blog, So You Could Have Some Blog In Your Blog

2010-03-11T23:57:00.002-05:00

For those of you that don't regularly read my personal blog, my DVD Player just destroyed what lingering faith I had in Apple products, and I screamed in Latin. Good times were had by everyone but me.

- LV

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

2010-03-11T20:27:00.003-05:00

Blog
* Insert usual bullshit about what a bad blogger I am. I have no excuse, besides laziness and stress and real life keeping me from updating you all on the random weirdness of the internet. Here's something a little different: A look at some of my favorite new perfume, AND IT IS COMIC-BASED AND ONE MAKES ME THINK OF TV SHOWS.

Shopping

So, I got my first order from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, after being told by pretty much everyone amazing that I needed some to live. They were right, per usual. I never should have doubted them. Here's what I ordered:

LIZ
A light, feminine vanilla floral perfume and a swirl of smoke and leather.

Which is freaking gorgeous, and makes me happy, and actually cured my migraine today, meaning it has MAGIC POWERS (as does Mike Mignola himself) (and why aren't there more comic perfumes? Someone make a Transmetropolitan line. I would buy it. OR FABLES. OR....) and:

HELLFIRE
:: NEW FORMULATION
A scent celebrating Sir Francis Dashwood's Order of the Knights of St. Francis of Wycombe, also known as the Hellfire Club. A swirl of pipe tobacco, hot leather, ambergris, dark musk and the lingering incense smoke from their Black Mass.

I was worried the two scents would be similar, but they're completely different. Hellfire is much more intense, sensual, for evenings. Yes, I pretend it's from Supernatural. Shame: I lack it.

But but! BPAL also gives you imps, because they are benevolent scent gods, and also they want me to spend MORE imaginary money. Imps are small samples of other scents. I got four with my order, picked at random and a complete (but welcome) surprise. They gave me:

BLACK LOTUS
Born in the shadows of a Temple to Set, this corrupted Egyptian scent evokes images of black pyramids, river demons, and bleak, deadly desert sands. Black lotus flower, amber, myrrh and sandalwood.

SANTA EULÀRIA DES RIU
Piquant citrus tempered by jasmine, soft Mediterranean herbs, lavender and orange blossom.

SERPENTS WITH GLITTERING EYES AND FORKY TONGUES
It was a long way to her own house, and the chest seemed to grow heavier at every step. Sometimes she felt as if it would be impossible for her to get on at all, but her greed gave her strength, and at last she arrived at her own door. She sank down on the threshold, overcome with weariness, but in a moment was on her feet again, fumbling with the lock of the chest. But by this time night had come, and there was no light in the house, and the woman was in too much hurry to get to her treasures, to go and look for one. At length, however, the lock gave way, and the lid flew open, when, O horror! instead of gold and jewels, she saw before her serpents with glittering eyes and forky tongues. And they twined themselves about her and darted poison into her veins, and she died, and no man regretted her.

Serpentine green herbs, glistening red currant, sparkling yellow lemon rind, green musk, lime, and snakeskin.

CZERNOBOG
Created in honor of the Slavic Black God of the Dead. A nighttime god of grief, evil, chaos and woe, he is paralleled by his twin brother Bylebog, god of light, joy, order, and good fortune. A combination of three musks, with splashes of dark myrrh, vetiver and mullein.

My perfume is morbid. I love it all. And they have Neil Gaiman/Terry Pratchett perfume, and Lovecraft perfum, and steampunk, and this is going to be an enormous problem for me, isn't it? Because, clearly, there aren't enough other things I desperately need to buy.

By the way, many of my friends make music/yarn/perfume/makeup/art/writing, and I am going to promote the hell out of them, in between returning to my regularly scheduled blogging (Monday, honest. HONEST. Have I ever lied to you?) and other things I have in mind. I have ideas. And if you have suggestions/questions/comments/blank checks/Christopher Eccleston's phone number, please let me know.

- LV

Someone Ever Tries To Kill You You Try To Kill 'Em Right Back!

2010-03-07T12:22:00.003-05:00

Blog
* This is my life philosophy. Title is from Firefly.

I am trying out different sorts of blog entries, and you guys need to tell me if you prefer the old format, or the new one. THIS IS YOUR JOB. In return you will get funny/informative entries. Maybe.

Relax, tomorrow we're returning to the old format, for the most part, and MAN have there been a lot of toilets built since I took a break. Hah... eh...

Tonight I'm LiveBlogging/LiveTweeting the Oscars. You guys should tune in, as I am sure there will be much screaming/raging/armflailing/me demanding that Paul Haggis return his Oscar and apologize. It will be fine. So check out here at 8 PM EST, and my Twitter account as well. There will be fun!

Reader Questions
* Since I have a Formspring, and it's fun answering questions, and I have awesome readers, here are a few questions/comments from you guys:

A quick note: you are aware that the Beatles didn't do their own voices in the original Yellow Submarine, right?
- S Michael Wilson, Author, Blogger, Movie Critic

Yeah, I do know. But I care not, because at least they were around to sign away their lives. They could make the decision themselves. More importantly, the idea of a CGI'd George Harrison makes my soul weep.

i was wondering where abouts in england you were visiting? if you don't think i'm bein massively invasive or crossing some sort of boundary that is! i'm from sheffield myself which is famous for making things out of steel and also the magnificent PULP!

so, yeah, nice one!
-Elrossiter, Blogger, Photographer, Awesome-Type British person

I was in Greater London. I visited Surrey, Kent, and spent much time at Victoria Station. Pulp is FANTASTIC. I enjoy everything about your country. I haven't been to Sheffield, but I will definitely put it on my next itinerary. I WANT TO LIVE IN ENGLAND, OH GOD.... I'm OK. I'll make some tea.

WHY MUST HOLLYWOOD DO THIS??? There are some remakes that are full of win, but seriously...CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG? NO. Dick Van Dyke is gonna mow down some mutha fuckas with a flame thrower. Hell he can borrow mine.
- DancesWithElvis, Artist, Blogger, Scientist, Weapons Expert

I think we need to get Dick Van Dyke a flame thrower. That would solve most of the worlds' problems. Or me. I need one. For obvious reasons. All problems can be solved with fire.

And two questions from FormSpring:

What would you do if you found out, late in the relationship, that your boyfriend was a clown?
You guys just LOVE making me think about clowns, don't you? First off, this would never happen. What, is he a secret clown? What sort of clown? The Joker is, technically, a clown, but he scares me in a good way. If my boyfriend had a Joker thing, I could live with that. Any other clown? Like that scary-ass one that honked on TV but didn't talk? You really think I wouldn't notice my boyfriend's big floppy shoes or red nose? I AM OBSERVANT.

If you were a superhero (or villain, doesnt matter), what would your power be?

I want to be one of those criminal masterminds. I want to be a combination of Lex Luthor, Harley Quinn, and Catwoman.

That doesn't really answer your question... I want super-ninja skills. I want to be able to bring down a guy three feet taller than me. And I want to be crazy and brilliant, and my boyfriend to be The Joker.

So what have we learned here? I love England, fear clowns, resent CGI, enjoy fire, and want to be a tiny mad ninja of justice.

So, no surprises.

- LV

The Stairs Lack Risers!

2010-03-05T11:59:00.002-05:00

Blog
* Deep healing breath, you handsome stoned-out man. Title is from Dollhouse.

* This is not a hiatus-break, but I found a website that made me enormously shouty last night, and it warrants a blog entry. Generally, I like remakes. I do. I have no essential problem with people remaking movies, and even if the remake fails on every imaginable level, it can be an interesting concept. I'm thinking of Gus Van Sant's Psycho, which was so bad as to almost be an art-house win. Remember the part with the cow? That cow haunts me.

And I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake. Is it as good as the original? Haha, of course not. No one compares to Romero. That's not an option. But on its own, it's a fun movie. Remakes can be fun. I'm telling you all this so you'll understand I am not prejudiced against remakes. I am not one of those people who is all, 'HELL NO REMAKES ARE EVIL! BURN THE EVIL!'

But some movies should not be remade. Not because they are 'beyond' being remade, but because the people involved in the remake are so hideously miscast that the idea becomes a parody of itself. Just imagine casting Ashton Kutcher in Citizen Kane. No, really. Think about it.

With all that in mind, here are some remakes coming out that will destroy us all, or at least land some of the more earnest film students in serious therapy.

Remake!Fail
* Akira: Can we stop remaking Japanese movies? Please? We never get them right, and everybody loses. And it's an anime movie. Why does it have be live-action? Someone explain this to me, please? Plus, Leonardo DiCaprio should not be in this movie. He has no place here.

* Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Without Joss Whedon. Which means A) nobody I love desperately will die, thus destroying my faith in the universe, and B) It will probably suck a lot.

* Children of the Corn: This is the first Stephen King remake on this list. It is not the last. I'm sad too.

* Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Oh dear GOD, NO. Dick Van Dyke is going to shank a bitch. Actually, I'd enjoy that.

* Dallas: There will never be a point to this. We can never aspire to the glorious madness of the show. Don't bother trying.

* Dirty Dancing: Dear Hollywood - There's no Dirty Dancing without Patrick Swayze. KTHNXBAI

* Flight of the Navigator: And let the destruction of my childhood begin in 3....2.....1.....

* Forbidden Planet: If James Cameron does direct this movie (so the rumors go), I expect we will see Forbidden Blue Hair Sex. Look, Avatar was a gorgeous film, but the hair!sex was DISTURBING.

* Footloose: Yeah, Chase Crawford is a pretty little thing, but he is not Kevin Bacon, and he never will be. Actually, can Kevin Bacon reprise his role? I'd pay to see that.

* Hellraiser: WHY? WEREN'T THE DIRECT TO VIDEO SEQUELS HORRIBLE ENOUGH?

* Highlander: I DON'T EVEN I CAN'T WHAT.

* Johnny Bravo: Yes, the cartoon. Yes, it will be live-action. No, I don't want to talk about it. This isn't EXACTLY a movie remake, but is so mind-bogglingly unwise that I put it here anyway.

* The Karate Kid: This makes me insane. Really. WE DO NOT NEED WILL SMITH'S SPAWN TO BE IN MOVIES. And while I love Jackie Chan's old movies, he has become safe and boring, and the ghost of Pat Moribita will rise and EAT HIM FOR THIS.

* Limpet: No one can play Don Knotts. Why would you even try?

* The Man Who Came To Dinner: Dear Everyone - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. For the cheap seats - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. Nothing else is up for debate here. I DO NOT WANT HER TO GET HER CARRIE BRADSHAW ON MY BETTE DAVIS.

* The Naked Jungle: Hey, you know what would be an awesome idea? Let's get the guy who wrote Aeon Flux and directed The Punisher, and have him direct The Naked Jungle, a Charlton Heston movie that survives mainly because it starred Charlton Heston! I don't see HOW this could go wrong, do you?

* The Neverending Story: Yes, because you didn't destroy my childhood enough with the CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that looked like green, well-muscled penises (penii?). Is it true Leonard DiCaprio is going to be in this? I have no beef with him. I don't want him to be a part of this abomination.

* Oldboy: I have a dear friend who has almost totally lost her mind over this. Mainly because Will Smith is in talks to play the lead role. If you have seen the original movie, you understand how profoundly horrifying this casting decision is. If you haven't seen the original, go now. Then try to imagine Will Smith in the lead role. Then get someone to hold you as you sob.

* Pet Sematary: Because remakes of Stephen King novels ALWAYS go SO WELL. Anyway, without the Ramones song to back up this movie, it has no point. Sorry. I speak the truth.

* The Phantom Tollbooth: I am heavily biased because I love the book, and the movie, and I just don't think you're ALLOWED to remake Chuck Jones. I think it's a law, somewhere. My angles are many, my sides are not few. I'm the Dodecahedron, who are you?

* Poltergeist: The clown. OH GOD, THE CLOWN.

* RoboCop: FAIL.

* Rock 'n Roll High School: Who's going to be the band? You know what, it doesn't matter. It will fail. How can you replace the Ramones? You can't. Ergo, you lose.

* The Rocky Horror Picture Show: No. Look, there is one Doctor Frank-N-Furter, and that is Tim Curry. So, yeah. No. I don't know how else to get this across. No. I can type that all day. No.

I will apologize for everything I've said if Tim Roth plays Riff Raff. In my mind.

* Rosemary's Baby: I know Roman Polanski is a bad man, but he is also a great filmmaker. And I keep hearing rumors that Lindsay Lohan wants to star in this. Which makes this remake scary in a way never intended.

* Scanners:

Yeah. That's all.

* A Star Is Born: BEYONCE KNOWLES IS NOT JUDY GARLAND. I AM ARMFLAILING OVER THIS. I HATE EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. THERE IS NO GOODNESS TO COME FROM THIS. HELL, BEYONCE IS NOT EVEN BETTE MIDLER. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END WELL. FOR ANYONE.

* Strangers On A Train: ARE THEY REMAKING EVERY HITCHCOCK MOVIE? GET AUNTY LV HER PILLS AND SOME VODKA.

* Straw Dogs: I love James Marsden. I do. He's a good actor, and easy on the eyes. And Alexander Skarsgard is a big hunk of sexy (I miss True Blood). Which is why I want this movie to be good. I DO. But it won't be. Rod Lurie is not Sam Peckinpah. This will all end in tears.

* Suspicion: You are so funny. Will Smith is not Cary Grant. Will Smith will never be Cary Grant. He WISHES he could be Cary Grant, but Cary Grant DEAD could pwn Will Smith. Fact. So let's hope that this whole movie is nothing but vicious rumors, started to make me CRAZY.
And no one can play Joan Fontaine in this movie. STOP ALLOWING HITCHCOCK REMAKES. THEY HURT EVERYONE.

* The Thing: OK, after the remake of The Fog that destroyed several small civilizations, NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO REMAKE JOHN CARPENTER. ESPECIALLY THIS MOVIE.

* They Live: WHAT DID I JUST GET DONE SAYING? Incidentally, I think this movie was shown about ten times during my college career by various professors. It's a good one.

* To Catch A Thief: Haha, you do not remake Alfred Hitchcock. No good comes from that. Hahaha, this is obviously a bad joke. All these Hitchcock remakes are part of an elaborate joke. Good one!

* Vanishing Point: Well, after Hollywood did such a bang-up job remaking Gone in 60 Seconds, I'm sure that their take on Vanishing Point will be flawless. Stick with the original. I want that car. If I can't have my '67 Impala, I will take this car.

And you know that they'll put, like, a wise-ass talking computer voiced by Ben Stiller in the car, and I will die inside.

* Videodrome: There are multiple remakes of David Cronenberg films coming out, which leads me to believe that Universal Pictures is holding some of Cronenberg's family members hostage, and we should save them. For those of you fools who have not seen the original, James Woods and Debbie Harry (Blondie) starred in it, and it broke my brain, and it's freaking genius and weird.

I would, however, move this to Remake!Win with the proper director/cast. Like if Crispin Glover played James Woods' role. Actually, that idea makes me so profoundly happy I need to go lie down for an hour.

* The Warriors: I just don't see how this could be remade. I... I don't understand. Who is making these decisions, and how are they not on fire?

* Yellow Submarine: What. The. Fuck. And is Robert Zemeckis going to do that scary thing he did that ruined The Polar Express and A Christmas Carol, because Mr. Zemeckis, THAT IS SCARY AND NOBODY ENJOYS IT BUT YOU.

PS The Beatles hate you.

PPSS HOW CAN PEOPLE PLAY THE VOICES OF THE BEATLES?

But, lest we be too negative, let's take a look at a few remakes that have the potential to be brilliant. Yes, there are a few remakes out there that might be *gasp* GOOD. Stop laughing. Or are you crying? It will be OK. Maybe. Look:

Remake!Win
* Arthur: I'm sorry, but Russell Brand as Arthur is some brilliant casting. Come on. He's the only guy I can imagine pulling this off.

* The Blob: Rob Zombie is directing this. Yeah, it could be awesome.

* Creature From The Black Lagoon: I am putting a lot of trust in Bill Paxton here. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. You are on warning.

* Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: Guillermo del Toro is remaking like, five movies, and I love him enough that I will allow all of these. I am easily manipulated by directors I like.

* The Fly: David Cronenberg is allowed to remake his own movies. Maybe this is why he's allowing Hollywood to desecrate his films? I don't know. But Jeff Goldblum is The Fly, so I will have a hard time with this. Unless Crispin Glover plays the lead. Any movie is improved by Crispin Glover's involvement. It's a fact of life.

* Frankenstein: Also directed by Guillermo del Toro, which is why I have no complaints. And there hasn't been a good Frankenstein movie since Karloff, anyway.

* The Jetsons: Um, since they might cast Jim Carrey as George Jetson, this is going here. Leave me alone.

* The Lone Ranger: Look, it has Johnny Depp in it, and I am not made out of stone, and part of me is going to pretend that this is Terry Gilliam's Don Quixote movie that never got made. That's how my brain works.

* A Nightmare On Elm Street: I want this to be good. I want SO BADLY for this to be good. I mean, it's starring Jackie Earle Haley. You know how I adore him. He's a truly fantastic actor, and I want this to be good. I HAVE HOPE FOR THIS. LET ME BE HOPEFUL, OK? But yeah. Robert Englund is Freddy. This is very problematic.

* Slaughterhouse-Five: It is shocking that this is not under Fail. I'm a bit shocked myself. But you know what? It's being directed by Guillermo del Toro (who is never going to get to Hellboy 3 at this rate, which makes me SAD INSIDE) and if anyone can adapt Kurt Vonnegut, it is him. I have faith in him. DO YOU HEAR ME? I HAVE FAITH. Plus, the original movie was crap.

* Sunset Boulevard: I was fully prepared to rage about this, but Glenn Close is starring in it, and so are Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman, and that is enough win that I will give it the benefit of the doubt.

* Total Recall: But this will be moved IMMEDIATELY if I don't like the cast/director. I HAVE POWERS.

* True Grit: THE COEN BROTHERS CAN DO NO WRONG. THE END. (OK, The Ladykillers wasn't very good, but let's not dwell on the negative here.)

Movies: Taking us to the edge of madness, then usually pushing us off the freaking edge.

- LV

My Other Blog Is Not On Hiatus

2010-03-04T19:57:00.001-05:00

Hey, HEY! Lookit, a tiny blog entry wherein I am funny and hint about why this blog is taking a break.

Also, this hiatus will be ending very shortly. DO NOT LEAVE ME.

- LV

Bloggery Over Yonder!

2010-03-04T10:21:00.001-05:00

I am doing fairly regular updates at my other blog, ElleVee, and they are funny, and this one involves violence and pain and talking dogs. Hollywood should totally snatch up this shit.

- LV

Another Non-Post

2010-03-03T10:01:00.002-05:00

OK, OK, I lied about updating. But that was to teach you about.... um.... how the internet, it is full of LIES. Yes! This was my plan.

Actually, life, the universe, and everything has been conspiring against me. Or at least blogging.

So I will update, and soon, but I don't want to set a date. BUT BUT:

* The format will be changing (we'll have reviews, commentary, guest bloggers, and contests)

* More reader interaction! (you guys can submit links/videos/artwork/online stores)

* More disturbing toilets and depravities of the internet! (......)

So I will return, more powerful than ever. Honest. OR AM I? No, this time I am.

See you after the quasi-hiatus

- LV

Non-Post

2010-03-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

WE WILL BE UPDATING TODAY. I PROMISE.

- LV

This Is A Whole New Level Of Moronic, Even For You.

2010-02-26T11:09:00.002-05:00

Blog
* Title is from Supernatural.

It's still snowing, and I have decided to start FEAR AND LOATHING regular posts on Monday. Until then, enjoy my near-constant updating of ELLEVEE, my personal blog, which is filled with neverending delights.

I WILL RETURN. Actually, I am always here. If you have websites/pics/links/are selling ANYTHING and want me to blog about it, drop me a line at veeandloathing@gmail.com.

And follow me on Twitter, because the cool kids do it.
- LV

PS Donations are always welcome. JUST SAYING. I HAZ A BUTTON AND EVERYTHING.

Has Your Soul Been Taken Over By Caffeinated Space Aliens?

2010-02-24T09:57:00.002-05:00

Blog
* ARE YOU ASKING ME BECAUSE I AM USING ONLY CAPSLOCKS AND CAN'T STOP SCREAMING AND BLINK 10,000 TIMES PER SECOND? Um... Title is from Glee. Which I miss, and how long is its damn hiatus?

This is a weird blog week, and stuff is going on in the back offices of FEAR AND LOATHING (ish) and I am STILL jet-lagged (I heard somewhere it's a day for each hour of time difference, so I am MILKING THIS SHIT, PEOPLE), but I cannot leave the internet alone, so here is what I have been doing online:

* My personal blog documents the idiocy of people with children (not ALL of them, just some, honest), and why my dog is trying to push me into the depths of madness, a la H.P. Lovecraft.

* I am getting another tattoo, and have been working on the list on my Tumblr, which is far too much fun and I should probably have someone take it away from me, but PICTURES. Tell me which tattoo you like. WARNING: Geekery ahoy!

You should be following my Tumblr in general.

We're nearing 150,000 hits on FEAR AND LOATHING. Should I have a contest? I already have one event planned, but, I don't know. I could knit you something? Someone give me ideas.

CAFFEINE, WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?
- LV

We're Lost In The Middle Of The Desert! Give Him A Dollar!

2010-02-23T09:12:00.003-05:00

Blog

* Title is from Bone.

Since I am still jetlagged as FUCK, we're going to have a short blog entry. Be grateful. Yesterday I put salt in my coffee, and drank it all before I realized.

Today on FEAR AND LOATHING, we're looking at what my friends are doing on the interwebz these days.

* Ryn has dreams that make my dreams look like shameful home videos, and hers are like super-expensive huge spectacles of win. I would like to buy tickets to her head. Did that sound as weird to you as it did to me? Also the title of her blog makes me laugh every single time.

* You have no idea how jealous I am of Ladylike Punk's knitting skills. I am so jealous. It almost hurts. PLUS she is British and cool and fantastic, and I hope that one day I can pet-sit for her doggies.

Look at this hat she made!

DO WANT.

* I've always said Miss Banshee is a brilliant, talented, and truly gifted writer. This article on disability and mental illness makes that sound like faint praise indeed. It's inarguably one of the most touching pieces I've read on the subject. It's hard to believe someone can be so kind, beautiful, talented, funny, and profound, and speak so frankly about such subjects with a humor that shines through in even the darkest moments. She's one of my true heroes, and you wish she was your friend.

* I love buying Spazzy Amber's yarn. It looks stunning, smells glorious, and is soft and like cotton candy and clouds mixed with fairy sparkles. LOOK:

When I am rich and famous (or at least rich), I am going to have her be one of my personal yarn-makers. She's already agreed. Now I just need to inherit.

* MILLARCA IS KNITTING AN ALIEN FACE-HUGGER:

EVERYTHING ELSE IS INVALID. Except I met her and Metalouise and ThatRevChap, AND THAT MAKES THIS EVEN MORE EPIC. Somehow. I don't know. Did you know they have CARPETS in PUBS in England? I did not.

I WANT AN ALIEN FACE-HUGGER TO SMITE MY ENEMIES.

More will be coming, if I ever get over this goddamn jet-lag, which is destroying my brain and woke me up FREAKY EARLY.

- LV

Academia Is One Huge Circle Jerk.

2010-02-22T08:14:00.003-05:00

Blog
* TRUTH. Title is from Six Feet Under.

So I got back from England yesterday, and I am JETLAGGED AS EVERLOVING HELL, and have work today, and while I love my job very much, I am disoriented, and maybe just yelled at a seltzer bottle.

So I may not blog today. BUT BUT since I have been a bad blogger-type-person, check out my review-type blog wherein I discuss Legion, and invent the Best TV Show, EVER, with my friends. Hint: The best TV show ever has many naked men, and explosions, and is BRILLIANT.

I AM BARELY HANGING ON HERE, GUYS. BE GENTLE.

WHERE IS COFFEE?
- LV

So The Main Causes Of Accidents Are Joy, Sex, & Old Age?

2010-02-10T11:17:00.011-05:00

Blog
* Yeah, actually, that's a fair statement. Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

* So, remember guys, I'm going to be gone from Friday 12 February to Sunday 21 February, in England. I make NO promises to blog or do anything like that. I will simply take a shitload of pictures of England and the awesome that occurs there, which I will probably post on my return.

Fandom
* This poster makes me happy every damn time I look at it:

see more deMotivational Posters

Awesome
* Why is this a fail? I think people should be able to buy these for everyone. I want one. They're GENIUS:

[Found at Failblog]
I'm not kidding. This could be the best Valentine ever.

Food!Fail
* This list of things you can spread on bread is a total fucking fail, because it mocks mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is the ambrosia of the gods. I put it on everything. No, really, one of my favorite snacks is dark chocolate with mayonnaise. DON'T KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU TRY IT. God, you close-minded monsters make me sick. MAYONNAISE IS GOOD.

Technology
* I don't know about you, but I don't remember shit about being in utero. I don't really remember anything before the age of four, and most of my four-year-old memories involve The Land Before Time, (AKA the best goddamn movie EVER). What I'm trying to say is, I don't get the need to have the collection of cells in your tummy listen to 'My Humps':

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, and this line really scares me:

"Researchers have demonstrated that reactive listening begins at 16 weeks, when your wee geek-to-be is roughly the size of a tasty avocado."

Partly because that's highly debateable, but mostly because now whenever someone tells me they're pregnant, I will instantly think, 'WHAT SIZE FRUIT IS THE FETUS?'

Politics
* I love Rahm Emanuel. He is like the Ari Gold of politics. He loses his shit and he says things and everyone freaks out, and it's awesome:

Monstrous hypertension record-setter Rahm Emanuel has A LOT OF SHIT TO DO AND DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO FUCKING HOST THIS FUCKING PANSY-ASS ROUNDTABLE SHIT, but he will GET IT OVER WITH and then will you people SHUT THE FUCK UP FINALLY. Apparently apologizing for a PRIVATE FUCKING REMARK wasn’t good enough for the FUCKING SHRIVERS and now what, he has to KISS SOME SHRIVER’S ASSHOLE and host a DELEGATION ARE YOU SERIOUS JESUS CHRIST OF FUCKING R–… WHATEVER YOU FUCKING CALL THEM… AT THE WHITE HOUSE, are you SERIOUS? FINE, let’s just FUCKING DO THIS…

(For my part, I think everyone overreacted, it wasn't like he screamed obscenities from the White House Press Room (although if he does, I want every YouTube video of that, EVER).

Oh, and Mr. Emanuel was a ballet dancer, which makes me love him so much for so many reasons.

If you say anything about his tights, he will motherfucking wreck you, bitches.

Life Lessons
* The lovely and brilliant Metalouise sent me this, and it cheered me up on a bad day, and more importantly exposed me to the GROSS INCOMPETENCE of our educational system:

Also, kids, remember you can always use the gasoline fires to cook your dog! Just another fun tip from Aunty Elle! Now fetch me a bottle of vodka and some smokes.

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Rickman, who has rendered it impossible for me to see the new Robin Hood movie, because there is NO OTHER Sheriff of Nottingham beside him, YOU FOOLS.]

Movie!Win
* District 9 is an Oscar nominated film, and this makes me all sorts of happy. So does this interview with Terri Tatchell, writer of the screenplay and wife of director Neill Blomkamp. But no sequels, please, unless you can GUARANTEE the same degree of genius. PS. Ms. Tatchell, don't be nice to Avatar. DON'T ENCOURAGE TALL BLUE HAIR!SEX.

Daily Icon

[Lady Gaga, who is talented, smart, unapologetically weird, and most of all encourages you to celebrate who you are, bizarre as that may be. PLUS, she's short and from New York, and THAT means we should be friends and hang out and she should take me shopping. And I love the placement of that tattoo on her arm.]

Wow
* Dear Universe: If you need to make yet ANOTHER Friday the 13th remake (PLEASE DON'T), I think you need to give Jason this Hello Kitty Chainsaw:

[Found at Like Cool]
Because at the very least, if the movie sucks, I can laugh maliciously as Hello Kitty slaughters half-naked teens.

It's the SNOWPOCALYPSE! SNOWMAGEDDON. SNOWMG. Etc. I have the day off from work.
- LV

David Attended Public Schools, So He Confuses Hitler With Anne Frank.

2010-02-08T09:28:00.014-05:00

Blog
* Well, I can- yeah, that's just awful. Title is from Mr. Show With Bob & David.

Comics
* These comic covers freak me out. I do not like these. Why does Mickey look like he took some bad acid?

[Found at Boing Boing]
INTERNET, STOP MAKING MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THINGS OF HORROR.

Food!Win
* Holy deep fried beefy ricey goodness!

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
Meat on a stick! Well, to be accurate, they're rice cakes wrapped in hamburger patty and pan fried. ON STICKS. Serve these at your next party, and then don't share any with your friends. That'll show them. They know what they did.

Life Lessons
* 'Wow that rain sure is wet, isn't it?'

[Found at Indexed]

Words of Win

see more Epic Fails
Companies: Check your spelling before you go to press, OK?

Doctor Who
* Remember when I posted the Doctor Who credits done like Firefly, and our collective minds shattered under the force of the awesome?
They did them Angel-style too:

Torchwood
* Guys, this just happened, for real: I just found, right this second, Torchwood credits done Angel style:

Angel's theme song may be my favorite of any Joss Whedon show. And I know there's a lot of debate between fans as to the similarities and differences of these two television creators, but as far as I'm concerned, THEY KILL WHAT I LOVE, and that's as far as the debate goes for me.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

[Zachary Quinto, AKA Sylar from Heroes, and Zachary Levi, AKA Chuck from Chuck. I have no idea what's going on in this picture, but CAN YOU FEEL THE BROMANCE? A TALE OF TWO ZACHARYS? Maybe there will be a Chuck/Heroes crossover, and Adam Baldwin will beat the everloving shit out of Peter Petrelli (Yes, I admit he's very attractive, but I still want him to get beat up on the show). This picture was sent to me by Laroux74, who is simply awesome beyond words.]

Daily Icon

[Exene Cervenka, lead singer of X (alongside John Doe), one of my favorite bands of ALL TIME. She also sang with The Knitters, and is one of the punk icons. Sadly, she has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, but in true Exene Cervenka style, she's not letting it get her down. X has ben supporting Sweet Charity for ages, and you should too.]

Epic!Fail
* It's worse when they have no idea who he is, besides, 'a revolutionary':

see more deMotivational Posters

People I Love
* I got a reward for blogging for a month straight!

SOAK IN THE GLORY, BITCHES. My friends are cooler than your friends. Unless you ARE my friend... then... never mind. Made by the truly epic Danielle, whose website you should visit as soon as you're done here.

I'm going to England this Friday, for a week, so I probably won't blog until I get back. JUST LETTING YOU ALL KNOW.

I may be slightly panic-stricken about flying. I hate flying. DAMMIT, SCIENCE, CAN WE GET TELEPORTERS BEFORE FRIDAY? PLEASE?

- LV

Why Does No One Give Earth Moneys To Zim?

2010-02-07T11:39:00.007-05:00

Blog
* I'd hazard a guess that having no ears may be part of your problem, Zim. Title is from Invader Zim. In case you couldn't tell. ZIM.

Want
* This is a really, really good idea, and I should have thought of it myself:

[Found at Like Cool]
It's a water bottle, only instead of being all bottley it's more like a foldable canteen, which is BRILLIANT and much easier to carry. That's why I throw out water bottles - when they're empty, I feel stupid carrying them about. And because I'm a bad person.

Zombies
* This logic appeals to my most basic instincts:

see more deMotivational Posters
After all, how does one fight zombies on an empty stomach?

Crafts
* SOMEONE MAKE ME A FELTED SKULL:

[Found at Like Cool]
How do you make stuff from felt? ARE THE FELT CLASSES? TELL ME THE SECRETS OF THE FELT.

Girly Want
* I think this bracelet would greatly improve my life:

[Found at Etsy]
Just saying, people.

Daily Hot Guy

[Edward Norton, Oscar Nominee and ROCKER OF SUITS.]

Daily Icon

[Anne Bancroft, Original MILF, Ultimate Cougar, and Still Fucking Classier Than You On Your Best Day.]

OK, more later, maybe. I have stuff to do.
- LV

You Look Like A Fish When You Talk. Like A Giant Carp!

2010-02-06T09:57:00.010-05:00

Blog
* This is not the best compliment one could hope for. Titles is from Heroes, back when it was good.

Movie!Fail
* Dear Everyone:
We are not naming ANYTHING after Avatar, except perhaps a sexual compulsion to stick your hair in things. ESPECIALLY NOT MOUNTAINS:

An official ceremony was held to change the name of a mountain in the Hunan province to commemorate James Cameron’s Avatar.

Then they changed their minds and denied the whole thing. I like to imagine everyone shrieking, 'I KNOW NOTHING OF AVATAR. BLUE HAIR SEX? SOUNDS DISGUSTING.'

Life Lessons
* Intentional misspellings can be funny, and everyone makes mistakes from time to time (I look at old entries of this blog and CRINGE at my typos). But there are certain words we, as a species, need to stop misspelling:

[Found at The Oatmeal]
There are nine more, and you need to memorize this, because I AM SICK OF EXPLAINING WHY YOUR AND YOU'RE ARE DIFFERENT. YES IT MATTERS.
Found by Julie_Raven, who sends bad spellers to hell.

Movie!Win
* I didn't get to see this movie in theaters, because the universe is cruel, but regardless of that (or mixed reviews) the trailer and poster for Where The Wild Things Are makes me enormously happy:

[Found at Das Cabinet des Dr Ruthven]
I STILL WANT THOSE PAJAMAS, DAMMIT.

Wow
* This picture makes me smile every time I see it:

see more deMotivational Posters
He's so HAPPY.

WTF, INTERNET?
* File this under: Products that will get you killed, or at least arrested:

[Found at Crunch Gear]
Picture this: It's a dark night, you're trying to impress some girl with your badassery. You stand outside the club. She is unimpressed with your leather jacket. But you have a secret weapon. You reach into your pocket, pull out the comb. She screams-

And an hour later you are sitting in a smelly cell with a large, grinning man named Molly, because YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE A GUN COMB.

Well, what did we learn?

Daily Hot Guy

[James Franco, AKA, Daniel Desario in Freaks and Geeks, AKA The Least Embarrassing Aspect of Spider-Man 3, AKA Yes I Have Watched General Hospital Because He's On It, And He's Sort Of Incredible On It.]

Animals
* THIS IS MY FAVORITE PICTURE OF THE DAY:

[Found at Like Cool]
The Cheetahs SNUGGLED the Impala, played with it, AND FAILED TO NOM IT.

This makes me happy on this snowy day.

Daily Icon

[Nancy Sinatra, singer, actress, and GIVE ME THOSE GOGO BOOTS, NANCY. I NEED THEM IN MY LIFE]

Music
* Screw you all, the Goo Goo Dolls were my first concert (with Sugar Ray and Fastball, WHAT WHAT!) and I love them and will continue to love them, and ANYWAY, they are serenading Elmo from Sesame Street, and who's going to argue with THAT?

Also Elmo made a pie, which is sort of the best thing ever.

Words Of Win
* When I as in college, my roommates and I sealed up the holes we made in the walls with toothpaste. You couldn't see it, and the room smelled minty fresh!

i had plans on painting my bedroom with the whiteout that i ordered and will now contemplate upper-decking the restrooms at the an undisclosed location.

[Found at Emails from Crazy People]
This guy wants to use white-out. Really, really badly. And if you don't sell him his white-out, he will SHIT ALL OVER YOUR PLACE OF WORK.

May I suggest the cleansing smell of toothpaste?

This snow is bullshit. At least here. MY STATE FAILS AT SNOWPOCALYPSE. Come on, New Jersey. Either snow or get off the pot.
- LV

If She Talked Any More Shit She'd Be Shaped Like A Toilet.

2010-02-05T09:36:00.015-05:00

Blog
* COMING UP NEXT WEEK: People-shaped toilets! Brought to you by the internet! Title is from True Blood.

Words of Win
* I have some issues with this story:

A 14-YEAR-OLD boy drank gasoline for five years to obtain “energy” – just as his idols “Bumble Bee” or “Optimus Prime” do in “Transformers,” the Sichuan-based West China Metropolis Daily reported yesterday.

A) This kid drank gasoline for five YEARS? HOW IS HE ALIVE?
B) His parents knew about this and DID NOTHING? I don't have kids, but if I did, and I found my child drinking gasoline to be like a giant robot, I'd switch it, I don't know, APPLE JUICE? Something that won't STRIP YOUR INNARDS?
C) He kept this up for five years? Wouldn't you give up after a year or two when you didn't become a giant, super-powerful robot? Maybe I just lack conviction.
D) GASOLINE?

Doctor Who
* Yay, a new Doctor Who audio book read by David Tennent! Ten lives on forever!

`Hello, I'm the Doctor. And, if you can hear this, then one of us is going to die.'

.......Or not. Wait, can I have a third option?

Epic!Fail
* You know what?

see more deMotivational Posters
I'll use the other bathroom. You can use this one. The fact that this picture exists has ruined all of my Friday. It's just Photoshopped, RIGHT?

People I Love
* If it were not for the internet, I might never have seen this inexplicable and frankly fabulous picture:

[Found at Oh No They Didn't]
I take back everything bad I said about the interwebz.
(Note: No, I don't know, nor do I care. Really, I don't know why Quentin Tarantino is biting Christoph Waltz's ear. I HAVE NO IDEA. Some mysteries are best left unsolved]

Daily Hot Guy

[Bruce Campbell as Sam from Burn Notice. You know, Bruce Campbell visited the Virgin Islands once. Now they're The Islands.]

Childhood!Fail
* When I was a kid, my mom read me The Runaway Bunny:

[Found at World of Wonder]
And The Giving Tree. And my parents punished me by sending me to my room, not hinting that I could possibly be SENT AWAY to experience satanic ritual abuse.

Times have changed.

Daily Icon

[Vivien Leigh, actress, fashion fierceness, and BAMF English lady who could out-Southern the Southern Belles. Also Ophelia, Cleopatra, and Blanche Du Bois, among others. Most famously, Scarlett O'Hara, a shrewd bitch and brutally pragmatic woman who took no shit, and rocked some dressed I want. Requested by Alchemistique, who stole Scarlett's wardrobe.]

Awesome
* Whoever sent me this, thank you. I hated Forrest Gump. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS. Except for Gary Sinise, who was a burning hunk of genius.

Fandom
* Yeah, this dress is not sexy, and I am not wearing it:

[Found at Like Cool]
The girl isn't helping matters. Her expression says, 'Yeah, can I have my paycheck and go wash the stink of failure from my skin?'
Can we just bring NES back?

Food!Fail
* It's things like this that make me profoundly grateful my grandmother does not read this blog. She's Italian, and takes cooking very, very seriously:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
And I'm sure that ravioli stuffed with barbecued rib meat and mashed potatoes, sour cream, bacon and chives, all topped with melted cheddar, bacon, cheese sauce, green onions and shredded cheese breaks every taboo in her book of food.

Although then maybe I'd get an exclusive on a story like, 'Tiny Elderly Italian Woman Beats The Everloving Fuck Out Of Whoever Desecrated The Ravioli.' She would.

Technology
* Why, no, I haven't run out of iPad jokes, why do you ask?

Politics
* James O'Keefe is not a nice person. In fact, he is a shit head. He's not a political figure, so maybe this doesn't actually belong in this category, but he fucked with ACORN and now is fucking with New Orleans, and NOBODY would think that scrawny little piece of fail was a pimp. Oh, and he doesn't seem to like women, or people who are different races, or anybody who's not him. Can I see your cane for a minute, James?

* This photo of Scott Brown, like the iPad, NEVER stops being funny:

[Found at The ISS]
Hey, if the dude can be a naked politician, more power to him. I just think it's funny how naked he is, in Cosmopolitan. Oh, and the Democrats consider this guy to be the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, when we all know it's a tall blue alien that wants to sex us with his hair.

Yes, I'm still pissed about Avatar.

Dollhouse
* Um, so reading this recap of the final episode of Dollhouse made me cry, which was surprising. I mean, the show was criminally uneven, with some of the worst episodes Joss Whedon has ever done, and some of the best episodes of any show he's ever done (Truth. There are a couple of Dollhouse episodes that rank as his finest work).

But I loved it, and I loved Topher and Alpha Wash, and I cried a few times at the series finale (AND AT ELIZA DUSHKU. I apologize for doubting you. You were fabulous.) and now I'm sort of pissed at Joss Whedon for not keeping the show consistently good.

THERE WAS POTENTIAL. AND FRAN KRANZ MAKES ME SHOUTY BECAUSE HE AND ALPHA WASH SHOULD TEAM UP WITH DR. HORRIBLE.

Anyway, all my above natterings are meaningless, because of one line in this article:

(Dear Christopher Nolan: Alan Tudyk should be the new Joker. Love, Everybody Who Knows What's Up.)

HOLY GOD. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GENIUS THAT HAS BEEN UNLEASHED ON US? I WOULD SEE THIS. I WOULD SEE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS. HE COULD PWN CHRISTIAN BALE AND NOT EVEN BREAK A SWEAT. MY BRAIN IS SO HAPPY WITH THIS IDEA. AND DAVID TENNANT AS THE RIDDLER? I... I need to go lie down....

In other news, I need to knit a mustache for my shark. LITERALLY.
- LV

I'm Not Gonna Die In A Hospital Where The Nurses Aren't Even Hot.

2010-02-04T09:33:00.007-05:00

Blog
* That's the spirit, Dean! Title is from Supernatural.

Girly Shit
* As if it wasn't vaguely shameful enough to shop at Urban Outfitters (look, they have some seriously cute clothing, but there is a STIGMA to shopping there, and this isn't HELPING:

[Found at Jezebel]
The shirt color is Obama/Black? There is no joke I could make here more hideous than that fact.

Comics
* I've been reading The Boys since day 1, when I MET Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson at the release of the comic, and they were EVERYTHING I imagined and hoped they'd be, and a HAMSTER gets raped to death in this series, and that's one of the nicer things. SO GO READ THE DAMN COMIC.

Books
* So kids have to choose between reading about Robert 'Sparkly!Crotch' Pattinson (who, personal preferences aside, hasn't really DONE enough to warrant a biography, HAS HE?) or Barbara 'Crazy!Pants Gimme My Cocoa And Change My Diaper' Walters? (who, ignoring the fact that I just don't like her, should probably have retired when she started FONDLING guests on her show (THIS HAS HAPPENED AND I WILL YOUTUBE IT IF YOU DOUBT ME))?

Remember when you had to read biographies of people like George Washington?

Food!Win
* This is going to be my wedding cake. And my birthday cake. And every other cake in my life:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]

A bed of brown sugar and butter topped by a layer of 12 mini doughnuts baked inside of cake mix and topped with heavy whipping cream and brown sugar.

Daily Hot Guy

[Chris Pine. WITH NERD GLASSES]

Did you watch Human Target last night? Didn't the monk look like the President?
- LV

Bruce Campbell Can Kill 2 Stones With 1 Bird.

2010-02-03T09:26:00.010-05:00

Blog
* He can also use the two stones to fashion a rudimentary lathe.

* Miss Banshee, queen of the divine, has written an article about James Van Der Beek (THE BEEK) that will BLOW YOUR MIND OUT YOUR EAR LIKE A SPITBALL OF BRILLIANCE.

Girly Want
* These shoes are made for kicking ass and taking names:

[Found at Shoe Lust]
Plus I could tramp through the snow WITHOUT getting my pants soaked. It's one of the special challenges of being petite.

Life Lessons
* It's true, and that's somewhat irritating:

[Found at Indexed]

Movie!Win
* First of all, congratulations to District 9 for its very deserved Oscar nominations. It was a wonderful movie, and the fact that Avatar got nominated at all shows that Hollywood is a cruel bitch (look, visually Avatar was incredible, but the story was a fucked-up bastardization of Pocahontas meets Ferngully meets Dances With Smurves, plus HAIR SEX, and I guessed every plot point, and I am not good at that, SO COME ON), and I hope it wins things.

Here's an interview with Neill Blomkamp, director and mastermind of the District 9, about making incredible movies on a budget smaller than THE NATIONAL GROSS OF MOST COUNTRIES, MR. CAMERON.

Wow
* I talk in my sleep. I talk in my sleep a LOT, and have full-fledged conversations and frighten anyone unlucky enough to be near me. But compared to this guy, I am an amateur:

"No puppy! Bad puppy! Make you into puppy slippers."

"You know, it's a human race. And you lost."

"You're more attractive than a seeping anal gash. But only just."

This guys REM is INTENSE, dude. I am afraid.

Daily Hot Guy

[Robert Downey jr. as Sherlock Holmes. Literary fantasy for the WIN.]

Daily Icon

[Xena, Warrior Princess, played by the mercilessly fabulous Lucy Lawless. A fictional character, yes, but a powerful, strong, bullshit-free, sexy woman, and one I'd be happy to emulate. Plus few people could pull of that outfit. Requested by Millarca, who is a secret samurai. Don't tell anyone.

Animals
* Puppy Versus Robot! WHO WILL WIN:

I think we should have puppy robots. Less mess.

Music
* Dear Butch Walker:
I love you, and your music, and this song, but it's been stuck in my head for a few days now, and I keep humming 'Lalala' at inappropriate moments, and I AM TIRED:

Words of Win

see more Epic Fails

OK, it snowed last night, so I don't have to go to work, right? RIGHT? Why are you all laughing? Being a grown-up sucks. SNOW DAYS FOR EVERYONE.
- LV

I Haven't Cried Like That Since 'Titanic'!

2010-02-02T17:12:00.012-05:00

Blog
* But you came pretty close to it when you ran out of Twinkies. Title is from Zombieland, which came out today and which I now own.

* In honor of Zombieland, which I love very much (in case you haven't been paying attention), today's blog is A) Much later than usual, and B) Zombie-Focused. OK, A is more because I overslept. But let's say it has something to do with Zombieland, shall we?

* I posted a shitload of Zombieland rules posters over on my Tumblr, along with some other fun stuff. And I'm not posting it all again, and you can't make me, so HA.

Life Lessons
* There will be a zombie apocalypse, one day, if you believe George Romero (and I do). You may scoff, but don't come crying to me when people are munching on your grey matter.

Even if you do prepare, we're still probably all screwed. The Oatmeal explains why the zombies always win. On the other hand, ZOMBIES IN A BALL PIT? Sign me up.

* Here are ALL the Zombieland Rules. Memorize them. Burn them into your brain (or your skin, a la Memento). THEY WILL SAVE YOUR ASS.

Wow
* Did you know that AFTER you die, you can stand trial? And real trial, not that Street Court shit:

In 897 CE, Pope Stephen VI accused former Pope Formosus of perjury and violation of church canon. The problem was that Pope Formosus had died nine months earlier. Stephen worked around this little detail by exhuming the dead pope’s body, dressing it in full papal regalia, and putting it on trial. He then proceeded to serve as chief prosecutor as he angrily cross-examined the corpse. T

I would have paid good money to see that. This will make it much easier to prosecute the zombies. Until, you know, they start chewing on the judge. Dead people can also get married, and be used as fuel. Death is not the end!

Epic!Fail
* NO:

Swaroup Anand, 23, from Bangalore, is fully conscious as he undergoes open-heart surgery.

NO. You cut me open, I am knocked the hell out. I want ALL the drugs, you hear me? I am not going to sit there WATCHING as you root around in my chest cavity. THAT IS NOT OK. What are the benefits to this, besides being able to tell the story afterwards? I know anesthesia is dangerous, but isn't open-heart surgery already dangerous? And wouldn't it be somewhat distracting for the surgeon as his patient SCREAMS through the entire procedure?

I don't know what this has to do with zombies, except that after this sort of thing I'd run towards the nearest living thing and kill it (identify the quote, get a prize!)

Click here for a picture, and INSTRUCTIONS (do not try this at home. Seriously. No one wants to hang out with the people who try this stuff at home).

Food!Win
* Reader (and blogger, and Deviant Artist) Chey posted this picture in the comments, but it's so amazing that I feel it deserves further attention. She labeled it, 'the wedding cake of Tallahassee and LV':

The reception is going to be OFF THE HOOK.

Comics
* PEOPLE: DO NOT SEX THE ZOMBIES:

[Found at NatalieDee]
SERIOUSLY. And is she putting her tongue in, or pulling it out? Or is that a piece of meat? ZOMBIE SEX IS BAD TOUCH.

Daily Hot Guy

[Woody Harrelson as Tallahassee, the Greatest Zombie Hunter Ever, from Zombieland. I bought the same hat for my Halloween costume. Tragically, a Tallahassee does not come with your purchase.]

Music

Note: Singing to a zombie does NOTHING.

Zombies
* if you want ANY hope of surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, this is the site to look into.

Art
* DANCESWITHELVIS MADED ME A ZOMBIE OMFGWTFBBQ:

BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNSSSSS by ~DanceswithElvis on deviant ART
Why yes, she is made entirely of win. I already knew that.

You know, I didn't get paid to advertise this movie. NOT ONE DAMN PENNY. But you know what this movie paid me in? KNOWLEDGE, PEOPLE.

- LV

Hey, I Couldn't Help But Notice How Much You Look Like Everybody Else!

2010-01-31T11:16:00.013-05:00

Blog
* Nothing attracts men more than being nondescript! Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

* I blogged every day this month. I deserve a damn reward of some sort. REWARD ME.

Awesome
* This dude duct-taped his plane together to fly home:

[Found at Unique Daily]
THEN HE FLEW IT HOME. He flew home via the power of duct tape and his own mad genius. That is awesome, so long as I do not have to be IN the duct tape plane. I don't think I'd handle that well. I dislike regular planes. WIthout duct tape.

Fandom
* Russell T. Davies and Joss Whedon, the two men who most consistently break my heart via television, are merged into a glorious collaboration of credits:

AND NO ONE DIES, SIRS. YOU SEE HOW NICE IT IS WHEN YOU DON'T DESTROY EVERYTHING GOOD AND PURE? ....I'm sorry. I watched the series finale of Dollhouse. And I just purchased Torchwood: Children of the Earth. These men are NOT on my good side.

Food!Fail
* I love junk food. I do. I think White Castle is the height of fast food, and if it's unhealthy, I will probably be first in line to eat it.
Hand over the french fries, and most of you will live.

But I do not delude myself into thinking fast food is healthy. Of course it's not healthy. That's the POINT. It's like when I went to a baseball game and they listed the calories for every food item. NO ONE on the planet thinks that a deep fried cheese-filled pretzel is good for you. But it is delicious.

Which brings me to Taco Bell. Taco Bell is good, NOT good for you. Taco Bell is delicious and delightful, and I would NEVER in a million years imagine it as being healthful. SO DO NOT TRY, OK?

WHAT? NO. LET MY FAST FOOD BE UNHEALTHY. IF I WANT HEALTHY, I'LL GO ORDER A FREAKING BAKED POTATO AT WENDY'S.
Click here to see a longer commercial, with full-commentary by the ISS. I'm going to go deep fry some butter.

Technology
* I have a slogan for the good folks at iPad: "For that heavy flow.... of information, use an iPad!" (Please don't send Steve Jobs to turn off my computer, I need it).
And the mockery continues, indefinitely:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

How can you NOT? Here's a name: iTab, It makes me think of the soda, but at least I don't immediately think of women's feminine products.

Politics
* I really, really like Jenny Sandford, soon-to-be-ex-wife of Mark 'I Cry When I Get Caught Being A Complete Shithead' Sandford. His wife is a smart, classy woman. She did not stand beside her husband while he spouted a torrential flow of bullshit, and CRIED (I'm sorry, but it cracks me up. You are lying to EVERYONE, and leaving your state, which needs you due to economic FREE-FALL, and you go off to bang your girlfriend, you get caught, and you cry? Dude. At least have the balls to man up.). Jenny Sandford focused instead on her sons', and her own well-being, and refused to be party to her husband's pity parade.

I do not agree with her on many issues (or any, I think), but she is a very smart lady with morals and ethics and a sense of self, and I would be delighted if more women like her joined the political arena. At this point, with the parties so divided and everyone freaking out at the opposite side, I think it would be a nice change to really respect the person you're debating.

PS Her husband is the Nite Owl of American politics. He cries naked in his Basement of Shame.

Daily Hot Guy

[Tom Felton from the Harry Potter series, looking every bit the smug, condescending bastard from high school that you hated so much you totally wanted to make out with him... or was that just me? Smug, condescending bastards are sexy, in an angry way. Admit it.]

Dollhouse
* Look, I'm upset about Dollhouse getting cancelled, too, but this is hardly the time to- Oh, forget it:

[Found at Emails From Crazy People]
Priorities? Anyone? No?

Daily Icon

[Patti Smith, punk rock poet, lover of Robert Mapplethorpe, singer supreme, writer, political activist, and one of my biggest heroes. If Ms. Smith saw what had become of CBGBs, she'd rain down eternal hellfire and damnation on everyone involved. Plus she totally covered a Bruce Springsteen song, and lived in Jersey for a time. SO JERSEY WINS HA.]

Nostalgia!Win
* Remember My So-Called Life? Back before I hated Claire Danes, and back when everyone wanted to lose their virginity to Jordan Catalano? Great show. Anyway, then Claire Danes made me hate her through excessive suck, and Jared Leto stopped bathing, which is something only CERTAIN people can pull off. But lo, a change has come:

[Found at World of Wonder]
His hair may have distinct hints of Twilight sparkle!fail, but you know what? His outfit reminds me of David Bowie, so I am going to pretend Jared Leto is going to play David Bowie in a movie. That's right, I'm starting an internet rumor. Spread the word.

Movie!Fail
* Dear Matt Dillion:

NO.
Love, LV
PS You rocked in To Die For!

Want
* SHELVES FROM THE FUTURE:

[Found at Like Cool]
Well, not from the future, but techno-cool, yes? I'd like them. I shall line them with books by Stephen Hawking (who is, in fact, god). TRUTH.

OK, it's Sunday, it's cold.... yeah. I got nothing.
- LV

We're Planning On Smacking Them Down Like The Hand Of God.

2010-01-30T10:44:00.010-05:00

Blog
* This may be one of the best lines ever uttered on network TV. Title is from Glee, which needs to come back on right now, because I am bereft without it.

Whut?
* My uncle sent me this. I must have done something horrible that I don't remember. Because otherwise, this makes no sense:

WHAT THE HELL? No, you know what? I don't want an explanation. Just leave me alone. BRAIN HURTS.

Words of Win
* If your taser catches people on fire and ENGULFS THEM IN FLAMES, you are doing it wrong:

A man in Western Australia was engulfed in flames when police officers fired a Taser stun gun at him.

I know the dude was sniffing petrol, and that is illegal, but maybe just a warning next time? HELLO?

Moment of Win
* This makes me laugh long and hard, which is why I am doomed to hell for eternity and am generally a terrible person:

see more Epic Fails

Doctor Who
* Dear David Tennant: You are so fabulous and funny and sexy and brilliant that it is a little PAINFUL to think about you:

"You go into a supermarket and your face is on a cake and underpants. And all that's very odd. It's not what you imagine when you go to drama school, that you'll be commemorated in plastic and icing, and cotton."

Here's the full interview, and he's Scottish, you know. I just like reminding people.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

[Zachary Quinto and Chris Pine, AKA Spock and Kirk from Star Trek. You know, the original Spock/Kirk started the movement of slash fanfiction. Truth. I learned that in college. Yes, real college. Why is everyone laughing?]

People I Love
* I hate My Super Sweet Sixteen, and everyone affiliated with it, and the fact that it exists at all. However, Charlie Brooker's comments are so freaking funny that they made me laugh through the bitter, bitter tears of how doomed our people truly are:

Epic!Fail
* THIS WAS NOT A GOOD LIFE CHOICE, CHRIS BROWN:

[Found at Best Week Ever]
DON'T YOU PAY PEOPLE TO TELL YOU NOT TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS? Because I would take that job. First piece of advice? Go sit in a room until everyone has forgotten you. And I'd like my money in cash, please.

Daily Icon

[Xaviera Hollander, as requested by Iconic Icon Millarca. Xaviera is a call girl, madam, damn clever writer, and unapologetic BAMF. She broke taboos, and rocks leopard bikinis.]

Awesome
* This was shown to me by Stina, who is a genius and you should be nice to her out of fear, because she is going to rule the world. I get England. AND Wales. HA. Um, anyway, this is a video about knitting and jumpers. And goat penis:

I think I need to ask her for Scotland now too.

It is very cold out. Everywhere. YES EVERYWHERE.
- LV

That Was So Easy. I'm Embarrassed For You.

2010-01-29T10:53:00.012-05:00

Blog
* There is NO SHAME in being disarmed by Dean Winchester. And.... cue the dirty jokes. Title is from Supernatural.

Girly Want
* I keep wavering on this one. On one hand, it is dumb and uncomfortable and probably hard to move in. On the other hand, I COULD EAT MY CLOTHES:
[Found at Best Week Ever]
See, this is the way to win Dean Winchester's heart. Wear a CHOCOLATE DRESS. And, if that doesn't work, you can eat your OWN CLOTHES. Couture SNACKS. But it's so dumb. But I don't care.

Comics
* Once again, the Comics Curmudgeon finds humor in the vast, unfunny wasteland of Funk Winkerbean. And hideous thigh shapes.

Books
* She Silverstein was a bad-ass motherfucker who wrote some of the funniest, most twisted shit out there, and I love him, and The Giving Tree makes everyone cry. It's a good way to test for Terminators: 'Did you get a little teary The Giving Tree?' 'No?' 'HE'S A ROBOT.' Read here about how Shel Silverstein managed to write for Playboy AND Lafcadio.

Food!Win
* SWEET JESUS' LAYERED CAKE OF RAINBOW DELIGHT:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
THAT THERE IS TEN LAYERS OF SUGARY HEAVEN.

Want
* Now, this is some CLASSY video game action here:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
Pac Man holds your books and eats your TV, and if your guests aren't into video games, you tell them it's post-modern meta-art, and they'll be all impressed! WIN WIN.

Daily Hot Guy

[Jeffrey Dean Morgan, AKA Father Winchester from Supernatural, AKA The Comedian from Watchmen. I've never seen him in a suit before. It's sort of life-changing.]

Daily Icon
* Inspired by my friend and icon in her own right, Millarca, here's a new category, where we honor the women who we want to be when, and if, we ever grow up
[Sophia Loren, who combines classy with sexy with utter fierceness, AND I want those gloves. And that hat.]

[Liza Minnelli, who did this AND Arrested Development, and rocked them both without breaking a sweat.]

[Joan Didion, one of my favorite authors, and a tough old bitch if there ever was one.]

[Katharine Hepburn doesn't have time for your bullshit]

[Dolly Parton, for whom I sat through an episode of Hannah Montana, AND SHE SANG AND IT WAS WORTH IT, GUYS]

And, some Icons In The Making:
[Dita Von Teese]

[Lady Gaga]
Many more will be in this category. If you have suggestions, Email me. But Millarca gets first pick. AND YOU WILL BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT.

OK, stuff to do.
- LV

Let Me Tell You Something About Crazy People. The Sex Is Unbelievable.

2010-01-28T09:41:00.012-05:00

Blog
* There is honestly no comment I can make that wouldn't be dirty. It's not possible. Title is from Castle.

WTF, INTERNET?
* If you've been reading FEAR AND LOATHING, you know it went through a phase where every day there was a new, frightening toilet to behold. Then the lull in toilet mania. All was well. No more singing/Tweeting/massaging toilets.

Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever:

[Found At Best Week Ever]
It's a sink-mirror-mug-toilet! FROM TEH FUTURE. FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. I don't even have the energy to get upset about a toilet that's smarter than my laptop. I don't know. You poo in a toilet. WE'RE BACK TO TALKING ABOUT TOILETS, GUYS. IT'S GROUNDHOG'S DAY.

Girly Want
* Full disclosure: I don't want these shoes, because I already own them, WHUT:

[Found at Topless Robot]
Tallahassee would approve of these shoes. I wear these with my Zombieland hat, I CAN RULE THE WORLD.

Music
* Butch Walker may have saved huge parts of New Jersey with this song. It soothed me on a stressful day:

Words of Win
You know, this really puts my crappy week into perspective:

Man shot, crashes while driving to hospital, charged with DWI

I withdraw my complaints. Being exhausted sort of pales in comparison, yeah?

Daily Hot Guy

[Gareth David-Lloyd, AKA Ianto Jones from Torchwood.... um.... stabbing someone.... WHY DO I FIND THIS ATTRACTIVE? I FROWN UPON REAL-LIFE VIOLENCE, BUT FULLY SUPPORT NOT-TRUE SCIENCE FICTION VIOLENCE. PLUS IT NEVER HAPPENED.

OK, let's get a nice picture without homicide:

See? Isn't he adorable?]

Moment Of Win
* I find these funny. Clearly I am a terrible, terrible person.

see more Epic Fails

UPCOMING: An explanation on why I love Legion so much, a rant about chain store fail, and other stuff. Maybe.
- LV

PS Another short blog, but it's snowing. That is my excuse. IT IS A GOOD ONE.

Man, These Anti-Piracy Ads Are Getting Really Mean.

2010-01-27T09:43:00.003-05:00

Blog
* Pretty soon people will stand behind you and beat you if you download a video. Title is from The IT Crowd.

TeeVee
* Did you watch Human Target last night? it's corny and amazing and Guerrero makes the show everything it could be and more, and his mustache has secret powers, and SIMON TAM FROM FIREFLY WAS ON LAST NIGHT. Fangirl fangasm. Times infinity. It's a really fun show, and I encourage you all to watch it, so you understand my Twitter shrieks of 'HE HAS THE ANTIDOTE UNDER HIS 'STACHE.'

Politics
* I hate to say it, but Scott Brown won the election fair and square, and ran a much better campaign than his competition, Democrat Fail, and frankly I think people complaining about him winning need to look at a good campaign versus a bad campaign (WHO INSULTS FENWAY PARK? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE CAMPAIGING) and concede that he ran a better game. It's that simple.

Political-politics aside, this makes me sort of like him, because it's horrifying and funny and any teenage (or former teenage) girl can understand the profound humiliation we are witnessing:

OK, Scott Brown, you're sort of entertaining.

Girly Want
* Oh. My. God. I am a short girl Five foot even. I am dainty and wee. Perhaps as a result, I enjoy insane big-ass shoes that kick the shit out of everything, such as these, which would make me normal height:

[Found at Shoe Lust]
Look at these gorgeous bastards. They are exquisite. I could kick the crap out of EVERYTHING. I would run around kicking things, and looking badass, and be fierce and tall-ish. SHORT PEOPLE REPRESENT.

Life Lessons

[Found at Indexed]

Movie!Win
* Yes, I will probably see Clash of the Titans at some point, for two very good reasons: Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson. In the meantime, here are some pictures of Sam Worthington, AKA Tall Blue Dude from the Sex Hair Movie:

[Found at Collider]
He's pretty, OK? But I prefer the dulcet tones of Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes, thank you very much.

Daily Hot Guy

[Patrick Wilson and his wife, and I'm mostly posting this picture because I dearly love a man who can rock a hat, and God DAMN, sir, you can rock that hat hard. Well done.]

Wow
* This hurts my brain. I want this so badly. I would devote my life to solving it:

[Found at Contact Music]
I could solve this puzzle, with copious amounts of caffeine and a REALLY clear social calendar. Maybe.

Tattoo Of Win
* THE PIGGY, IT HAS BEEN INKED:

[Found at Oddee]
There are nine other weird types of tattoos, but if you need me, I'll be staring at the PIGGIES WITH THE SERIOUS INK.

Animals

see more dog and puppy pictures

Seriously, how is it only Wednesday? I need to know how this is possible. This seems like the longest goddamn week in the history of the universe. ARE WE IN A TIME VORTEX? Because if so, I need a doctor. THE Doctor.

I need more coffee.
- LV

Shut Your Noise Tube, Taco Human!

2010-01-26T09:19:00.008-05:00

Blog
* What exactly IS a... you know what? I don't want to know. Title is from Invader Zim.

Epic!Fail
* I'm sorry, but it takes cojones grandes to fry chicken after breaking and entering. He's sort of my hero. My jailed hero.

An eastern Pennsylvania man was charged after he allegedly broke into a home, cut his hair and prepared fried chicken before being discovered.

Awesome
* This possibly made my whole week:

[Found at Best Week Ever]
See? It's all a conspiracy. AND AND did you notice it has the October release date at the bottom? WHO RUNS PARAMOUNT? I'm sorry, I'll be quiet now.

Social Networking
* Do you have 200, 300, 400 friends on Facebook? Well, start culling the herd.

But Robin Dunbar, professor of Evolutionary Anthropology at Oxford University, has revealed that human brains are only capable of managing a scant 150 friendships; a number that hasn't changed throughout history, despite our modern fascination with Twitter, blogging and Facebook.

LIES. I remember everyone on my Facebook! Especially.... what? Yeah, this is probably accurate. But Professor Dunbar needs to remember that a large percentage of people who are your friends on Facebook are really 'people I knew in middle school and hated, but they added me and I don't care enough to not add them back.'

Fandom

[Found at Unique Daily]

Daily Hot Guy

[Ian Somerhalder, who is on that show Vampire Diaries and it looks terrible and I will NOT watch it, even though he seems to be evil and snarky and gorgeous.... and pretty.... and mean.... DAMMIT, CW.]

Words of Win

see more Political Pictures

Moment of Win
* HOLY CRAP, NO.

see more Epic Fails

OK, have work early today. Also, Human Target is on tonight. Just like saying that....
- LV

You're Always Saying Pansy Stuff Like That.

2010-01-25T09:33:00.005-05:00

Blog
* You do have a habit of saying the 'pansy stuff,' Sam. Truth hurts. Title is from Supernatural.

Girly Shit
* This was not the first thing I needed to see Monday morning:

[Found at Shoe Lust]
I... it's too early. Do I want this shoe? Do I hate this shoe? Are parts of this shoe edible? It's too damn early.

Music
* I have had this song stuck in my head for two days now, and I don't even LIKE Beyonce:

It's starting to drive me insane. Or, more insane.

Movie!Fail
* They're making a Scream 4. I need to know why. Scream 3 sucked so bad it physically hurt. Scream 2 was a fun, stupid sequel, and Scream made me terrified of plate glass windows and phones. Scream 4 will no doubt destroy society, cause California to sink into the ocean, and mark the End Times.

And don't even get me started on An American Werewolf in London redux, because I WILL BREAK THE INTERNET WITH MY ANGER. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? DO NOT REMAKE THIS MOVIE.

Comics
* Dear Marvel Smartass:
You rock.
Love, FEAR AND LOATHING

Books
* How awesome is this? It's a letter from Kurt Vonnegut, after he was a POW in Germany. I love and miss Kurt Vonnegut. He was a genius. I want to reread Breakfast of Champions.

Food!Win
* DUDE, THIS IS BIGGER THAN MY HEAD:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]

Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

Specifically, is is a cheesecake parfait, but there aren't any funny quotes about that.

Daily Hot Guy

[Chris Barrie, AKA Rimmer from Red Dwarf, very muddy and on the left, shown here in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, which is either very funny, or very sad, but I will always love him for yelling, 'SMEGHEAD' and kicking Death in the nuts. How could I not?]

Moment Of Win

see more Epic Fails

Words Of Win

[Found at Unique Daily]

Torchwood
* I need this action figure, and I will take NO MOCKERY for this fact:

[Found at Discount Anime Toys]
IT'S IANTO JONES, BITCHES.

People I Love
* NEIL PATRICK HARRIS ON SESAME STREET:

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS ON SESAME STREET. *cue epic arm!flail of JOY*

Seriously, my face HURTS from grinning.

OK, it's a rainy Monday, and frankly it should be spent sleeping and watching bad movies. But some of us have work. LIFE IS HARD.
- LV

This Must Be What Going Mad Feels Like.

2010-01-24T09:11:00.009-05:00

Blog
* Just wait until you hear the song about him, Simon. Title is from Firefly.

Jersey!Fail
* Wow. My state is really going for some sort of Shame Award:

The brand-new, $185 million public high school in New Brunswick will have energy-providing solar panels on the roof, state-of-the-art lighting for its athletic fields and touch-sensitive, internet-connected "Smart Boards" instead of traditional blackboards.

But when it opened last week, it didn’t have a couple of comparatively low-tech necessities — a crosswalk and a stoplight.

Really? We forgot a CROSSWALK? Are the kids supposed to get home by osmosis? Is this the Xavier Institute? Because that would be cool, actually.

Life Lessons
* This may be funny to me solely because my father is a vegan, my mother is a vegetarian, and I am an omnivore who loves bacon and mayonnaise and sushi:

Going green tearing your family apart?
Therapists report a rise in domestic disputes over environmental issues.

Or I could just be mean.

Movie!Win
* So, guys, I saw Legion yesterday with the divine MissBanshee. And it was EVERYTHING I hoped it would be and more. I loved it. It was so bad. Like, amazingly, all-encompassingly bad. I loved it. No, you have to understand, we CHEERED when shit went down. And tattooed killer angels with guns, and Charles S. Dutton, and the kid from Sling Blade, and ZOMG it was life-changing. I adored it. I may buy this movie. I would see it again. It was SO TERRIBLE.

Crazy-Ass Granny was so CRAZY. Full review will follow, with many exclamation points and a very long, serious look at Paul Bettany and his hot (which I never really noticed before, possibly because he was not made of tattoos and violence and EXPLOSIONS. Maybe he should guest star on Human Target? EXPLODING ANGELS?)

PS Yes it got hideous reviews, but these people do not appreciate the batshit insanity, inexplicable plot points, and ANGELS SHOOTING PEOPLE. Plus, did I mention Paul Bettany is a total badass?

Wow
* I can't decide if this is the funniest story of the week, or the most frightening story of the month:

Man Rams Car Into Restaurant, Eats Breakfast

Investigators think Charles Pierce stepped on the gas instead of hitting the brake while trying to park, but instead of panicking and amid all that debris, he calmly got out of the sedan and placed his order.

Who the hell is serving this guy breakfast after he PLOWS through a BUILDING? That is the guy I think we should be worried about. Also old people should generally not drive. They are terrifying behind the wheel. Old is whenever you think driving into a BUILDING is no big deal.

Animals
* THESE GOATS FAINTS:

MY LIFE HAS A PURPOSE NOW. FIND THE FAINTING GOATS.

Tattoo Of Win
* Click here for one of the worst tattoos I have ever seen. And by worst, I mean gross, offensive, and WHO THE HELL GETS THIS BURNED INTO THEIR FLESH? I MEAN, REALLY? WHAT IS GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND? I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS.

I suppose it's sort of funny, in a sick way, but mostly if I met someone with this tattoo I'd be really, really uncomfortable.
It's the one at the bottom of the page, by the way. Flying vaginas are almost QUAINT in comparison.

Daily Hot Guy

[Paull Bettany, AKA Michael from Legion. I may have a problem with this movie. It was SO TERRIBLE, but he is so sexy and violent and his tattoos are hot, and I am now determined to do a double-feature one night with this movie and From Dusk 'Till Dawn. Also pizza and beer. Who's in?]

WTF, INTERNET?
* This may be a misplaced article, because it does not make me angry so much as my brain can't really process it, although that may be due to a profound lack of caffeine in my system.
Behold, BREAD SHOES:

[Found at Inventor Spot]
Now, I hate feet, and I love bread, so the idea of feet touching my precious carbohydrates makes me want to RALPH. RALPH, I SAY. I AM NOT PAYING MONEY FOR YOUR GROSS FEET TO TOUCH MY DELICIOUS RYE.

Stay tuned for stuff about stuff, MAYBE!
- LV

That's The Worst Goodbye I've Ever Heard. & You Stole It From A Movie.

2010-01-23T11:12:00.010-05:00

Blog
* But it's Tallahassee, god dammit! That makes it all OK, right? RIGHT? Title is from Zombieland.

Moment Of Win
* This actually makes me very sad:

see more Epic Fails
But it does say an AWFUL LOT about the universe, does it not?

Doctor Who
* The only thing missing from this insanely gorgeous drawing is Ianto Jones.

Dr Who II by *J-Redd on deviant ART
But A) He's technically just from Torchwood, and
B) That much goodness might kill me. I WANT THIS.
There is tons more goodness here at Redd Life Art Works. Make him draw Harley Quinn, OK?

Fandom
* All I can say about this article is: CAPTAIN KIRK SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON DOLLHOUSE. Just the idea blows my mind. MY MIND IS BLOWN. Can you imagine him trading barbs with Alpha Wash? I just want this in my life. Really, for the rest of my life, Echo will be referred to as 'Not-Kirk.'

Daily Hot Guy

[Jensen Ackles, AKA Dean Winchester from Supernatural, AKA Why Is This Dude Not Living In New Jersey, Where We Have The Ghosts And Demons And Also Many Diners? He's a hottie.

People I Love
* Ariana Osborne, colleague of Mr. Warren Ellis, writes a brilliant, wise, and funny piece on blogging, and what it does, and why we do it. I do it because I have a lot of nothing to say. END OF ANALYSIS.

Zombies
* I will continue to post this picture because A) It is brilliant, B) I HAZ A ZOMBIE-HUNTING HAT AND MACHETE IN IT, and B) Zombieland is not out yet on DVD.

Merry Christmas Elle by ~darkravenkiki on deviant ART

Epic!Fail
* WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?

More than 200,000 Swedes joined a Facebook group claiming to be collecting donations to help earthquake victims in Haiti before it was revealed as a hoax by the “Swedish Necrophilia Association”.

Dude, I like a good (bad) joke as much as the next girl. Probably more. I enjoy some pretty twisted humor. But this is NOT funny, it's not clever, it's fucked up and stupid.

If you want to make bad jokes about the pain and suffering of others, I can't stop you. That is your right. If you want to be a brutally insensitive person, have at it. But DON'T screw around with people actually trying to get involved and help those in need. THAT is my issue. If you want to make tasteless, hurtful jokes about people DYING, go for it. But do NOT do something that will discourage people from donating needed money to a cause. OK???

Awesome
* Am I the only girl who would be totally charmed if my boyfriend took me to White Castle for Valentine's Day? My favorite Valentine's Day date is STILL when my then-boyfriend took me to a horror movie, then out for my favorite French toast. Am I a cheap date? Maybe, but I think Valentine's Day should be more about having fun and doing things that will make each other happy, then spending shitloads of money.

Plus, I am from New Jersey, and I love White Castle. If a guy rented a limo to take me there, and made reservations, I would be THOROUGHLY happy. Just saying.

Today I see Legion. LIFE IS GOOD.

All Facts Start As Dreams Dreamt By A Wizard.

2010-01-22T10:32:00.009-05:00

Blog
* Actually, that explains an awful lot. About everything. Title is from Mr. Show with Bob & David.

I haven't done a check-in with my friends and how they're making the internet awesome lately, have I? Let's do that, shall we?

FollowFriday
* MissBanshee, hero of Dirty Jersey, 1/3 of my 'sisters from another mister,' actually talks to crazy people. No, like really crazy. The insane homeless love her ALMOST AS MUCH AS I DO, and she will one day use her army of crazy homeless to defeat the Jersey Shore Menace. Follow her on Twitter here.

* Laroux74 is one of my oldest friends, ANOTHER 1/3 of 'sisters from another mister,' and she is a musical GODDESS, and she knows more about cool shit than you do, AND she has no patience for bullshit bartenders, and if she loves you, you live forever. TRUFAX. Follow her on Twitter here.

* Millarca is most strange and extraordinary. She is all fabulosity and fierceness, and if she runs for President of the Universe, I will vote for her, and the world will be a better place, and there will be more tattoos and glitter and animals, and secks0rs and KNITTING. Also, Ianto would be OK. Follow her on Twitter here.

* Dances With Elvis with either A) fuck you up for being a fool, or b) Fill your life with science and art and EPIC AWESOME. It depends on how dumb you are. And how much caffeine she's had. Follow her on Twitter here.

* When Stina takes over the world by force, cleverness, and her wicked comprehension of technology, stupid people will be banned, so you'd better be freaking nice to her now. Also, she will tell the world scary stories over her intercom that covers the planet, and it will be great. But Peeps will be executed. Follow her on Twitter here.

Help For Haiti
* Ambrosia and Bliss continues their selling of all things pretty, and for every item sold, $10.00 gets donated to the American Red Cross:

Does this yarn make anyone else feel calm, and sort of like listening to Jefferson Airplane? Just me? All right, then.

* Yberry is donating 25% of all sales to Doctors Without Borders, AND her shipping is free, and really, she may be a Yarn Fairy:

Come on, magic is TOTALLY involved in this process.

* Not to be outdone, UglyShmugly is donating 100% of her January sales to Haiti. These rowmarkers will make your knitting feel PRETTY:

My knitting needs to feel pretty. JUST SAYING.

* Knot My Day Job lets you give 25% of your sale to Doctors Without Borders, WHILE BUYING spindles. And yarn.

I need to learn how to use a spindle. Without destroying the planet. You laugh because you underestimate my skills of clumsiness.

Words Of Win

[Found at Friggin Random]

Food!Win
* HAS ANYONE EVER EATEN THIS?

[Found at CakeSpy]
OK, I will calm down. This is a St. Louis Gooey Butter cake. It is made with yellow cake mix, butter, eggs, sugar, AND THE GROUND UP WINGS OF FAIRIES. Sorry, but look at it! I want to nom it with my coffee. MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Has anyone eaten this? Was it everything I like to imagine?

Want
* This is a great way to use your old cassettes, especially if you're like me and simply cannot throw out old media because part of you believes that when the zombie apocalypse comes, only old-school things will work. Ahem. This is a cassette tape closet:

[Found at Incredible Things]
Of course, this becomes much less impressive if you have lame cassettes. Like, if you have everything Yanni has ever done on cassette, maybe you keep your cassette tape closet in the basement. Or the attic. Away from mocking eyes.

Daily Hot Guy

[Seth MacFarlane, who I must repeat, AD NAUSEAM, is probably a hideous bastard, and I don't even WATCH half the shit he does, but his voice is EAR SEX, and he is so smug I can't help but be sort of charmed (attracted), AND he hangs out with Seth Green, which means he's a good person. IT'S A FACT.]
Oh, and this video of Seth MacFarlane doing Family Guy voices is amazing. Really. Yeah, voice pron is VITAL to true love.

Whut?
* So.... poo helps you learn?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
I... it's poo. What does it teach me? That dinosaurs used to poo? That dinosaurs are AWESOME and maybe I should just go buy a copy of Jurassic Park on DVD, because no one's life is complete without it? That poo is funny no matter HOW old you are? That poo can be fossilized, and millions of years from now may be all that's left of you? That even at 24, and a Responsible Adult, your faithful blogger still wants a pet raptor to ride around on and maybe eat people who anger her?

Wow. I did learn a lot.

Movie!Win
* I want to see this movie soooo badly, and I apologize for NOTHING:

Angels with guns. And tattoos. And they blow shit up. I'm not kidding, I will go see this myself.
And yeah, Paul Bettany is hot and British. Not that I notice such things.

May your Friday be pleasant and uneventful. Or filled with hot British angels sworn to protect you from the apocalypse.
- LV

This Movie Is Like Playing 'Doom' When There's No Monsters Or Opponents.

2010-01-21T09:39:00.007-05:00

Blog
* So.... it's dark. And nothing happens. Like Alone in the Dark! Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Help For Haiti
* Ugly Stepsister Designs are anything but. I think I need all these stitch markers. For marking stitches. AND 100% of the proceeds for the month of January are going to help the people in Haiti. Epic Win?

I think that's a big yes.

* YBerry still has a few items left in her store, and 25% of all her sales are going to Haiti. SOMEONE BUY ME THIS NOW:

Words of Win
*

More than 43,000 children head to the emergency room each year after slipping or falling in a bath tub, according to researchers at Nationwide Children's Hospital.

A possible case of mistaken identity got a man kidnapped, force-fed beer and dumped on the side of the road, police said.

Visa recorded a $23,148,855,308,184,500.00 purchase on Consumerist reader Dale's kid's prepaid Visa Buxx card: "My lectures about financial responsibility appear to have failed: yesterday she charged $23,148,855,308,184,500.00 at the drug store. That's 2,000 times more than the national debt, which is a paltry 11 trillion. The ever-vigilant folks at VISA added a $20 'negative balance fee,' and have suspended the card."

* THIS PHILOSOPHY DOES NOT REPRESENT ME:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Now, how does the rest of the world see America....

HEY! I AM NOT USELESS. I'm from Jersey. We made Bon Jovi. We're Living on a Prayer, DICKWADS.

Moment of Win

see more Epic Fails

see more Epic Fails

Life Lessons

[Found at Indexed]

Daily Hot Guy

[Eli Roth, AKA, The Bear Jew. In an interview, he said when he was all insane in Inglourious Basterds, he'd be thinking about Hannah Montana. I don't quite know how to take that.]

OK, I'm off.
- LV

PS Short entry. More later.

Ellen, That Blouse Is Just Insane.

2010-01-20T09:20:00.011-05:00

Blog
* Well... first of all, her name is Emma. Not Ellen. You KNOW her name is Emma... You know what, Sue? Never mind. Title is from Glee.

Help For Haiti
* Ambrosia & Bliss is offering a $10 donation to the American Red Cross for every order. Completely unrelated, I want this:

* Have I shared this yarn from YBerry (who is donating 25% from her sales to Doctors Without Borders)?

It's gorgeous, isn't it?

Movie!Win
* We don't know the cast for The Hobbit yet (except that it does not include Tobey Maguire, thus RUINING years of jokes I had planned), but if you want to see the TYPE of actors they have in mind, read the casting sheet.

Look, Ron Perlman is the voice of Smaug. I don't care beyond that. RON PERLMAN FOR THE WIN.

Wow
* See, having a Rifle Scope Peep Hole seems funny, until a crime is committed near where you live:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
Then someone mentions you like to look at people through a fake gun, and suddenly the cops are VERY interested in what you were doing the other night at 2 AM.

Animals
* Um.... Did you know scientists are shaving fly penises with a laser? That this is something people are doing? WITH A LASER? And if you shave the flies' penis, girl flies like him a lot less?

Male flies have penises covered with spines and hooks. To figure out what the purpose of those spines are, researchers Michal Polak and Arash Rashed removed the spines to see what would happen.

Look, if I know these things, you have to know these things. And how much do I want to ask someone how their day was, and for them to reply, calmly, "Well, I spent a few hours fly-penis-shaving, so I have a headache." I WOULD BUY THAT MAN A DRINK. Lasers are cool. But think of the poor, shaved flies.

Tattoo Of Win
* The title here is NOT sarcastic. This is a gorgeous tattoo, and DOCTOR WHO AT THAT:

[Found at Flickr]
There need to be more Doctor Who tattoos in the world.

Daily Hot Guy

[Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance. Look how adorable he is when he's smiling! AND he's a comic geek. And he named his daughter Bandit. FULL POINTS FOR AWESOME.]

WTF, INTERNET?
* Hey, guys, guess what? If you go out in public, wearing this shirt:

Any girl in the room is LEGALLY allowed to punch you in the groin. Or knee you in the groin. Or point at your crotch, laugh raucously, and walk away. Other guys are permitted to make condescending comments, punch you in the groin, and everyone is allowed to set your shirt on fire.

Enjoy!

Girly Want
* I want these shoes, while completely admitting that I would never be able to walk in them:

[Found at Shoe Lust]
But when your shoes have such sick heels, you can get strangers to carry you everywhere.

Music
* I heard two songs on the radio, and loved them. So I Googled the lyrics. They were both by Taylor Swift. I bought the album. IT FEELS GREAT. Here's one of the songs:

I am totally comfortable with liking Taylor Swift. So bite me.

PS Don't tell me you never sang along to songs in your room like a spaz. I WILL NOT BELIEVE YOUR LIES.

Moment of Win
* THIS IS NOT A SAFE SEAT. DO NOT SIT HERE:

see more Epic Fails

Is it only Wednesday? Doesn't it feel later?
- LV

I'm In Pain! I Think This Is What Pain Feels Like!

2010-01-19T09:38:00.012-05:00

Blog
* Captain Hammer. The hammer is his penis. Title is from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

Doctor Who
* First off, stop saying 'Geronimo' when discussing the Eleventh Doctor. IT IS NOT A GOOD CATCH PHRASE, people. Second, this analysis of the Doctor Who trailer makes me SAD. I get that David Tennant is gone. I am coming to terms with that. But the Doctor has a GUN. I was upset when Ten had a gun. Eleven did not earn that gun. AND HIS HAIR CONTINUES TO BOTHER ME. CUT YOUR HAIR, TIME LORD.

[Found at io9]
I can't decide if I really love this picture, or think he resembles a young Tom Cruise, which is NOT what I want in the Doctor.

Food!Fail
* See, it's categories like this, and more specifically pictures like this, that make me reconsider writing this blog first thing in the morning:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
I mean, COME ON. That's gross. I can barely handle a cup of COFFEE at this point in the day. I am NOT prepared for Spam Wontons:

Mushroom stuffed with Spam, mayo and garlic, wrapped in a wonton skin and deep fried.

And I am a girl who likes mayo. It's like the best condiment, ever. And mushrooms are ambrosia. But.... look, talk to me after a few energy drinks, and maybe I'll try one, OK? I'M JUST A PERSON. A PERSON WHO NEEDS MORE CAFFEINE.

Technology
* I want a see-through computer screen:

[Found at Geekologie]
Why? Because it's super-cool and high-tech looking and super-awesome, and sometimes super-cool things are ENOUGH, right?

Fandom
* This is an awesome fucking picture:

Harley and Ivy by ~darkravenkiki on deviant ART
I want to be Harley Quinn when I grow up.

People I Love

Best. Userpic. Ever.

Zombies
* This just in: Zombieland writers can write whatever the HELL they want, because their rules will keep your sorry ass ALIVE come the zombie apocalypse. So if they want to write G.I. Joe 2, it will be good. SUCH IS THE WORD. That I just wrote.

Politics
* I actually like John McCain, (although I disagree with his politics, he is a smart man, although I'm still cross about Sarah Palin, but that's another story), but this is NOT a good radio advertisement, Senator:

Voice: We know what he endured.
Turned down the chance to go home early.
It was against the prisoner’s code.

Read the rest here. Look, I have nothing but respect for Senator McCain's service to this country and what he sacrificed. But is that really relevant to his being Senator of Arizona? It is? Oh. I did not know that. Never mind, then. I just thought, maybe, we could hear about his stance on issues... no? Do not question the radio advertisements? OK, then.

Daily Hot Guy

[Richard Ayoade, AKA Maurice Moss from The IT Crowd, and my future husband. Really, I have a shameless crush on him, and want to protect him and his hot ear from the world. In this picture, by the way, does he not look like a deliciously mad scientist? LOOK at that trench coat. I apologize for NOTHING.]

Epic Fail
* IN FLORIDA, THEY WILL SEND GRANDMA TO JAIL FOR SPEEDING:

A 78-year-old woman spent more than two weeks in jail, including Thanksgiving, because her case slipped through the courtroom cracks.

But what about her family? Didn't anyone go, 'Where's granny?' NOBODY? EVERYONE FAILS HERE.

Awesome
* ALL HAIL THE KRAKEN:

HAIL IT.

Moment Of Win
* The most terrifying words a parent can hear: "Hey, remember the car?"

see more Epic Fails

Movie!Win
Christoph Waltz won the Golden Globe for Inglourious Basterds, and Quentin Tarantino looked good. I am well-pleased. That doesn't mean I understood his acceptance speech, except that maybe Quentin Tarantino has powers mere mortals cannot comprehend? But who DOESN'T know that?

LV is a Basterd.
- LV

Who In The World Would Send You Feces In The Mail!?

2010-01-18T09:36:00.008-05:00

Blog
* This is one of those conversations you never want to have with your mother. Title is from Six Feet Under.

Help For Haiti
* GrrrlShapedYarns is donating all her proceeds to Haiti. And her yarn is like yarn!pron:

Seriously, want is a gross understatement.

*YBerry is donating 25% of her proceeds to Doctors Without Borders, so you get good karma and SEXY yarn:

* When you buy yarn from AmbrosiaAndBliss, you're donating $10.00 to the America Red Cross in the process!

Moment Of Win

see more Epic Fails

Words Of Win

see more Epic Fails

Food!Win
* It is Monday, and I think I deserve this:

[Found at CakeSpy]
THAT is a goddamn cupcake milkshake. YES. They have been combined, and LIFE IS GOOD AND SWEET. My plan is to eat these until I descend into a sugar coma. Ergo, I can sleep in! BRILLIANT! I see no flaws in this plan.

Daily Hot Guy

[Hugh Laurie, AKA Doctor Gregory House, AKA AU Sherlock Holmes, who I still recall as the tall silly man from A Bit of Fry & Laurie. I knew he wasn't American from the BEGINNING. Incidentally, if you've seen him on Blackadder, I recommend using some of his pick-up lines on women:

Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop. Your luck's in. Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart. Yours with the deepest respect etc. Signed George. PS Woof, woof!

I know lines like these get ME in a tizzy.

Want
* On one hand, this candle that lets you pretend your ex-boyfriend is in hell is juvenile, immature, and hostile.

[Found at Nerd Approved]
On the other... it's much less illegal than setting your REAL ex on fire.

Girly Want
* WHY ARE ALL THE PRETTY SHOES SO EXPENSIVE?

[Found at Net-A-Porter]
Really. These shoes are $700 (including shipping and handle and taxes). So, my choice is: CAR PAYMENTS AND CREDIT CARD BILLS, or shoes. That's unfair. That's CRUEL. I vote we rise up and TAKE the pretty shoes. FIGHT THE MACHINE. CHEAP SHOES FOR EVERYONE.

I tried to find a clip of Jen from The IT Crowd mumbling dementedly about her shoes, but I could not find one, so instead enjoy Moss singing the emergency number. If anyone has an audio clip of Moss singing this, I will be your BEST FRIEND FOREVER. Seriously. I cannot find an audio rip of just Moss singing. The part I'm trying to get starts at 1:06.

Whut?
* No, really, WHUT?!

Arthur Firstenberg is suing his neighbour for $530,000 for refusing to switch off her iPhone, claiming that the electromagnetic fields generated are destroying his health.

Not only does Mr. Firstenberg want the iPhone switched off, but he also reckons that leaving the iPhone and a laptop charging overnight is denying him the sleep he so badly needs, according to the filing spotted by the Santa Fe Reporter. This is apparently why his half-million claim includes $100,000 for pain and suffering.

I am definitely immune to caffeine. Maybe scientists will pay me to test their products?
- LV

Are You Humming Metallica?

2010-01-17T10:58:00.006-05:00

Blog
* Dear Dean: Never change. Also, I hate flying too. We can hum in unison! Love, LV. Title is from Supernatural.

Moment of Win

see more Epic Fails
I am aware my male readers are not staring at the UPSIDE DOWN BOOK.

Words of Win

[Found at Friggin Random]

Food!Win
* Sometimes you need to overlook the calories, and just enjoy the colors of your food:

[Found at CakeSpy]
They're Rice Krispie Treats made with Trix cereal. THEY ARE PRETTY. Like acid. Then they put icing on them, and LIFE HAS MEANING.

Nostalgia!Win
* I owned every single Where's Waldo book, because I loved them and they were fun as hell. And maybe I was an innocent, naive child, but I failed to notice all the human sacrifices, or topless women, or the bestiality rape. I WAS BUSY LOOKING FOR WALDO, DAMMIT. I had my priorities in order.

I do remember this, and recall being very, very upset by it:

[Found at Topless Robot]
Muscles do not explode. That is wrong.

Daily Hot Guy(s)
* I am attracted to Dwight, AKA Rainn Wilson, from The Office. I am aware this is strange, and images like this do not help my case:

So for the rest of you, here's Zack Snyder, director of Watchmen, Dawn of the Dead, and 300.

He's probably a tool, but he's very good looking, and if I am nice to him he could maybe introduce me to many other attractive men.

I met Dweezil Zappa lat night (and the rest of the band, who are all totally badass and lovely). I'm still not ready to talk about it. I may have said 'great' repeatedly.

OK, time to go hang out with Miss Banshee, who RUNS NEW JERSEY WITH HER BADASSERY.
- LV

Monsters Do Not Behave Themselves. That's The Whole Idea!

2010-01-16T11:06:00.012-05:00

Blog
* Monsters have ALL the fun. But no quiche. Title is from Bone.

Help For Haiti
Friends who are doing great things by using their stores to help those in Haiti.

* GrrrlShapedYarns is donating all the proceeds from her shop this month to Doctors Without Borders to help out in Haiti. So you get gorgeous yarn, which I want to own ALL of, AND to donate to a good cause. Win win!

* Little Red Bicycle is also donating all proceeds to Doctors Without Borders and the Red Cross to help Haiti. AND you can get patterns. AND they had Bela Lugosi yarn. But it's gone now. No fault of mine.

* YBerry is donating 25% of her proceeds to Doctor Without Borders, and has free shipping, AND you can buy the glorious silk yarn and make pretty things.

WTF, INTERNET?
* So, men and women are very different, biologically (and emotionally, but that's another entry). We appreciate this, and celebrate our differences. But, as a woman, maybe there are a few things I just never really understood/thought about:

[Found at World of Wonder]
This is a deoderant line for men's testicles. Um, is this... is this a big problem for guys? Does this happen often? I must confess, I never thought about this as an issue for men. AND NOW I AM. I AM SITTING HERE, DRINKING COFFEE AND THINKING ABOUT THESE THINGS. It is too early for such musings, and to be honest, men's bits are not my problem.

And because I am SURE someone will say it, yes, I agree that using deoderizing soaps on your unmentionables could lead to some awkward encounters.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, INTERNET. I HOPE YOU'RE PLEASED WITH YOURSELF. GOD DAMN, WHERE'S MY COFFEE?

Girly Want
* I can't imagine a time when I would NOT wear these shoes:

[Found at ShoeLust]
They are lacy and black and sexy, and look at those heels! Work, dates, doctor's appointments - EVERY event in life calls for shoes like these. They make me happy.

Music
* Batgirl as Prince in Purple Rain?

[Found at World Famous Design Junkies]
Sure. Why not? Here are other albums recast with comic characters.

Movie!Fail
* Look, unless Matthew 'Alrightalrightalright' McConaughey is in Dazed & Confused, he is not allowed to act. That is law. Here. Right now. And I absolutely had a crush on Tommy Lee Jones in Lonesome Dove (SHUT UP, so did you, he was a cowboy and he was angsty and had secrets, so shut up, NAYSAYERS), so I do not want him to damage his career by mixing with subpar actors. I mean, did you SEE Man of the House? I did not, which is why I am not in some sort of institution as we speak.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

[Jackie Earle Haley, Patrick Wilson, AND Jeffrey Dean Morgan. WHAT were you saying about Watchmen having no redeeming qualities? Yeah, that's what I thought. MY FANDOM HAS THE HOT ACTORS. AND Jeffrey Dean Morgan spawned the Supernatural boys, which means... GASP! Laurie has two half-brothers who fight demons! So they go and destroy Dr. Manhattan, and Dean and Rorschach fight over pie, and Sam and Daniel cry in the basement- Yeah, I need more coffee, don't I?]

Comics
* Did you hear Robert 'SparklyPants' Pattinson is going to be in the reboot of Spider-Man? (And I don't think reboot is the right term, but screw it, who am I to argue with the INTERNET?) Well, that just about wraps it up for Spidey, in my book (although think about it - how funny would Spider-Man 3 have been if R Patz had been infected by the evil Venom alien stuff? A MISSED COMEDY MOMENT).

Anyway, I don't know if that rumor's true our not. I've heard it is, and I've heard it isn't. And I sort of don't care anymore. It's a good rumor, right? If it's true, we will be witness to the utter destruction of a movie franchise (this has less to do with R Patz being a bad actor - he hasn't really had a chance to prove either way (I will give him a pass on Sparkly!Pants movies, because NOBODY gets out of those untarnished, save for Peter Facinelli, who is idiotically attractive) and more to do with his being miscast beyond human comprehension). If it isn't true, maybe Spider-Man 4 will be good, right? WHO KNOWS? NOTHING MAKES SENSE IN THE CRAZY FUTURE YEAR OF 2010.

Moment Of Win
* Ha! Liars:

see more Epic Fails

Books
* I tend to abuse capslocks, and internet-shout often. But some things upset me and anger me and destroy my faith in humanity so completely, that even capslocks cannot express my disgust with everyone. Behold:

[Found at Topless Robot]
This is a book. Specifically, it is Dante's Inferno, one of my favorite books, and a beautiful piece of literature. It has been made into a video game (which, if it follows the text closely, would be the weirdest/most brain-crunchingly weird experience ever, but I doubt that). The video game's cover is now on the book.
So they took one of the most significant pieces of literature ever (in my opinion), and made it look like 300 2: Everyone Is Going Into The Pit Of Death This Time.

Well, that just about wraps it up for humanity.

I'm going to go soak my head.
- LV

Where Are You, You Spongy, Yellow, Delicious Bastards?

2010-01-15T11:05:00.013-05:00

Blog
* Twinkies and Tallahassee: A perfect combination. Title is from Zombieland, which I would like to be out on DVD NOW, so I could watch it and be joyous.

* Did you happen to notice the wee little DONATE button over to the right there? Well, you know what to do with it, if you're so inclined. More money means more funny!.... I shame us all.

* Go listen to the musical kick-assery that is Danielle Lavigne. RIGHT NOW. DO it. Then check out her website. These are things that will make your life better.

Zombies
* THIS IS HOW THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE STARTS:

Members of a New Mexico family are suing a funeral home, claiming their grandmother's brain was sent home in a bag of personal effects given to them after her death.

Grieving families: Check the personal effects before going home. Organs are a different KIND of personal effect, and need plastic bags if you are determined to bring them home.

Politics
* OK, this cover makes me sort of insane, so if you don't want to read me shouting at InTouch and Sarah Palin, feel free to skip ahead to the next section:

[Found at Wonkette]
Have you read the cover? Stop staring at Rachel Zoe's collar bones. LOOK A THE BIG PICTURE. OK, BULLET POINTS OF RAGE.

* You CHOSE life. Repeat after me. YOU CHOSE LIFE. CHOICE. SO YOU MADE A CHOICE. BUT YOU HAD A CHOICE. Nobody said, (Yes, I AM quoting The Simpsons again, because it is BRILLIANT), 'No abortions for ANYONE,' or 'Abortions for EVERYONE.' You made a choice. AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU WERE ALLOWED TO MAKE A CHOICE?!

* Remember when Bristol said, on national TV, that abstinence education is unrealistic? I DO.

AND ON FOX, TOO. So if abstinence is unrealistic, and teaching kids about condoms is a sin, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? Should everyone panic? Arm!flail?

* Sarah Palin, STOP USING YOUR BABY AS A PROP. IT'S A BABY. And being the mother of a Down Syndrome baby is incredibly challenging, but you are not the first person. You are not a HERO for loving a special needs child. You're SUPPOSED to love your baby. It's a BABY.

* Look, nobody LIKES abortion. Nobody is going, 'YIPPEE abortion!' It is a terrible choice to make, and has many ethical, moral, spiritual, and emotional points. THE POINT IS, it is a CHOICE. So, Sarah Palin and her daughter could afford to choose life? That's great. Not everyone can. I don't feel I have the right to tell ANYONE ELSE how to live their lives. I have enough trouble running my own. BUT GAH. THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG HERE. Can every family afford to support their teenager AND the teenager's baby?

* WHY IS INTOUCH MAGAZINE BECOMING A FORUM FOR THESE SORTS OF DISCUSSIONS? GO BACK TO CELEBRITY CELLULITE.

* You're all looking at the Angelina Jolie article, aren't you? Dangerous Pregnancy would be an excellent band name.

Crafts
* I can't decide if this is the stupidest hat ever made, or the only hat I have ever needed to own:

[Found at Regretsy]
No, really, I can't decide. I sort of think I would wear this. A lot. Maybe it's the dumbest hat ever made, AND the only hat you'll ever need. Can't it be both?

Epic!Fail
* I love the Swedes:

A Swedish wife who reckoned her son's treehouse was the best place to check hubby's mobe for evidence he'd been playing away had to be freed by police from the elevated bolt-hole, The Local reports.

There are so many other places to hide out. Your kids' tree house? You get full points for originality. Well done.

Awesome
* Pirates or Ninjas? One of the eternal questions, which I am going to solve right now: PIRATE NINJAS. I know, I know, I scare myself with my brilliance. Here's the whole debate, laid out by Wired, although I think if we're going to assume that the ninja will always defeat the pirate, we should specify what TYPE of pirate.

Movie!Win
* NOTE: All a Nightmare on Elm Street remake links will be labeled as Win, despite my serious reservations about the movie. I WANT IT TO BE GOOD. I DO. I JUST WORRY IT WON'T, and that makes me sad. I love Freddy. Freddy is spectacular and funny and violent and twisted. But I adore Jackie Earle Haley. DO YOU SEE MY CONFLICT? Anyway, watch the new trailer, and see Freddy skewer a teen. It looks good, yes? YES? OH PLEASE DON'T SUCK.

Daily Hot Guy

[Woody Harrelson, AKA Tallahassee from Zombieland. I love Tallahassee. I have major crush issues. We would drink beer and dine on Twinkies and slay zombies, AND WE HAVE THE SAME HAT. Truly, ours is an eternal love. As eternal as the UNDEAD.]

Wow
* This may be the greatest notepad ever made:

[Found at Unique Daily]
But don't look at it while drunk. It could kill you.

Animals
* BABY PANDA BABY PANDA BABY PANDA:

[Found at Huffington Post]
THERE ARE NO WORDS, THERE IS ONLY PANDA.

Tattoo Of Win
* Velveeta cheese is already a part of your body, after eating it only once. A tattoo is unnecessary.

[Found at Ugliest Tattoos]

* They should invent panda cheese. Not cheese FROM pandas.... I should have thought that through.
- LV

TERRORTACULAR

2010-01-14T09:55:00.002-05:00

Note: For those of you following me on Twitter, I present the SUPER AWESOME SURPRISE OF THE WEEK:

Writer Stina, horror goddess, techno-wizard, finder of the awesome and the terrifying (and doler out of both) (Doler is now a word. Pass it on) is FEAR AND LOATHING'S first ever guest blogger. If you aren't reading Naps in the Library, you will not be spared when she becomes our overlord. So, I turn over the reins to Stina. Enjoy, and bow before her awe-inspiring awesome.

Words of Win
I decided to try the whole "Google, how about you go ahead and tell me what I'm searching for" thing, and came up with the most frightening thing in existence. Call me a horror writer if you like, but I've never been able to top something this terrifying.

Google knows fear. Do not doubt the Google.

Ad!Win
Technically, this isn't a real ad, but if it was, I would buy this 300 CD set.

I am the master of segues. Fear my mad segue skillz.

Inspiration!
David Wong is actually Jason Pargin of Illinois who, way back in the day, posted a little horror story on his blog for Halloween. The piece was a hit, and after receiving a large number of emails asking when the next installment would be, Pargin decided to keep writing.

This turned into a novel that was published by Permuted Press, a little publishing company that put the book out there for the world where Bubba Ho-Tep director/producer Don Coscarelli bought the film rights. It was then picked up by St. Martin's Press and re-released in
hardcover.

This right here is proof that if we have stories to tell, we can do it. Find out more about John
Dies at the End and give it a read. It's hilarious and terrifying. Also, there's a drug called "Soy Sauce" and a dog drives a pickup truck through a trailer after David talks to a bratwurst.

Trust me on this. BUY IT NOW.

Books

You want another seriously fantastic horror series to sink your teeth into? Well, if you're familiar with comic books at all (and knowing the type of readers that are usually on this blog, I'm wagering that you are... there's a good little comic fan!), the name Mike Carey will strike a chord with you. His works include The
Sandman, Lucifer, and Hellblazer to name a few (click here for a full list), but what Carey really impressed me with was a novel I stumbled across at a bookstore a couple of years ago and am
rediscovering now.

The lovely and talented Danielle Lavigne (who is a gorgeous human being all the way around) did a fabulous interview with Mike Carey for Octocon. This book helped me to finish my own
novel, and pumped me so full of evil ideas that I was writing like a madwoman. Well, moreso than usual. The second book in the series is just as fantastic, and I just received the third in the mail not too long ago, so I'm rereading them all.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

That's right. When Stina takes over, you get two. But, there is a price. You have to deal with my mini-rant.

VAMPIRES ARE NOT SPARKLING, MOPEY, WHINY LITTLE BITCH BOYS. THEY ARE
ALSO NOT KEANU-IN-THE-MATRIX-MEETS-WESLEY-SNIPES-IN-BLADE-MEETS-URBAN-FANTASY-FABIO-PARTING-CROWDS-OF-HUMANS-LIKE-CHARLTON-HESTON-PARTING-THE-RED-SEA-IN-THE-TEN-COMMANDMENTS.

Ahem.

So, since we've established that neither the Edward Cullen mold nor the KeanuBladeFabioHeston hell-hybrid, what exactly IS a vampire? CAN a vampire be sexy now that SparkleButt and KBFH have been eliminated?

Yes. Yes they can.

Exhibit A: The dramatic European-style vampire as played by Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000.

The man is Scottish. He has a Scottish accent. Excuse me while I go melt into a puddle.

Exhibit B: The legitimate bad-ass American vampire ready to rock your face off as played by Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys.

I will totally eat Chinese food with you, lil' Kief.

I would like to draw attention to the fact that both of these vampires have FANGS, since VAMPIRES are SUPPOSED to have POINTY TEETH. SEE MY EXHIBITS C AND D WHILE I CONTINUE TO ABUSE THE CAPS LOCK.

Dracula has chompers!

Even Kief has teef! Er... teeth.

That's enough insanity for one day. If you enjoy my madness, pleasefeel free to visit me at the woefully-neglected-for-the-past-two-weeks Naps in the Library, and check out Monsters Under the Bed for random spurts of horror.

Oh Look - It's The Evil Root Cellar. Where Satan Cans All His Vegetables.

2010-01-13T09:32:00.007-05:00

Blog
* He then uses the vegetables to make a delightful evil stew. Which Dean then eats. Title is from Supernatural.

* This will be a short entry, because I have BAD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS.

Technology
* This phone runs on soda:

[Found at Like Cool]
And there's big debate on whether or not that's eco-friendly, or even VIABLE, or if it's just ridiculous. Frankly, I want to be able to say, 'Oh, dear, my cell phone is running low. Let me pour COKE ALL UP IN THAT BITCH TO CHARGE IT.'

Fandom
* Behold, an X-Men fanfiction that is worse than the third movie (OHSNAP)! The writer provides a plethora of spelling errors, mixed in with the OHSWEETLORD hideous pron that involves Logan and Jean Grey. Topless Robot, per usual, sums it up in a way that saves our sanity:

I can't even imagine how much more awesome the X-Men comics would be if Cyclops' name was Scoot Summers.

There is absolutely nothing I can say that will make "Suck a soft and redful hair, it is like a cotton field full of love and desire." even slightly more ridiculous.

Even though his own sanity starts to suffer:

So. Let me get this straight. Besides all the insanity that Cyclops just wreaked, he came in the room with a bag of maggots and worms, WHICH HE THREW ON JEAN GREY AS HE WAS RAPING AND SKINNING HER? And comics fans call Cyclops boring.

And finally, the line that broke Topless Robot:

Cyclops' severed head passed out.

Hey, be thankful: I could have linked you to the Tiny Toons orgy fanfiction that made me cry, and I am still crying, and will in fact never stop.

People I Love
* Stina, who is another person I love, sent me this video, which is one of the funniest/most frightening Saturday Night Live clips I have ever seen:

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET GOOGLY EYES THAT BIG?

Daily Hot Guy

[Adam Baldwin, who for once does not look like Jayne from Firefly, but looks adorable anyway, and have you seen him on Chuck? He's very good. Jayne needed much more snuggles.]

Words of Win
* What.... the.... fuck?

[Found at AutoComplete Me]

[Found at Friggin Random]

Fleeing woman captured while trying to light crack pipe

[Found at Passive Aggressive Notes]

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at Ugliest Tattoos]

Moment Of Win
* This is not funny, because it IS true.

see more Funny Graphs

I AM SORRY, TOMORROW WILL BE A GREAT ENTRY. I PROMISE.

- LV

Just Shoot Him! You Told Him You Would. Don't Pad Your Part!

2010-01-12T09:15:00.014-05:00

Blog
* Actors are not pillars of honesty, in general. Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

* This week, we have a special surprise coming up for readers of FEAR AND LOATHING. And by we, I mean my blog, and by 'special surprise,' I mean, 'special guest of super-awesome win. IN SPACE.' OK, not in space. I will continue to be mysterious about this. Such is my way.

* 'Sozzled' is my Word of 2010. But I think we need to add 'jimbobbery' to the list, as Miss Banshee has in her blog. Also, DOGGIE HEADBUTTZ.

Crafts
* I love handspun yarn, particularly when I know the people selling it, and they are made of magic and win and genius, and their yarn is so fabulous I just want to sleep on a pile of it. This is all Spazzy Yarn-describing. She makes the most gorgeous yarn, and when I am rich she will be one of a select few of my private Yarn-Makers.

In the meantime, here is a contest where you can win some of her glorious yarn. Enter it. Your knitting needles will thank you.

Girly!Want
* These shoes are pink, which is not a color I am usually associated with, but under the right circumstances I will be ALL OVER pink. These are the right circumstances:

[Found at Jak and Jil]
They should belong to me. They are amazing, and I will prance around England in my pink, pink shoes.

Life Lessons
* This is all truth, in one index card:

[Found at Indexed]

Ad!Win
* Normally, these sort of ads go under AD!FAIL, but it is so funny and surreal, and I like to imagine that Andy Warhol directed it, or maybe Uwe Boll (for different reasons) that it goes under Win. The description here helps to no end:

Any product that gives me rock-hard abs so that offscreen voiceover woman will f*ck me, and also I’m Santa, is a product for me.

Santa A) Does not have abs, and B) Does not have sex. OK? Let me cling to these notions.

House!Win
*HEHEHEHEHE, THE TOAST IS IN JAIL! ROASTING:

[Found at Incredible Things]
OK, technically the toast is TOASTING in jail, but I can watch it and laugh and enjoy torturing toast. I am grouchy in the morning. My toast should suffer accordingly.

Daily Hot Guy

[Adam Gontier, lead singer of 3 Days Grace, SANS mohawk. Mohawks, like mustaches, are very hard to pull off. Even the best of people cannot do it sometimes. Requested by Stina, mistress of horror, who is going to run Apple and destroy her enemies. So, you know, be nice to her.]

Doctor Who
* Ignoring for the moment his weird, 'I can fly and make pew pews with my hands,' episode, the Master is all sorts of awesome. I love this scene, because it's stupid and malicious and sort of incredibly funny, and a little bit sexy, and brilliant because few would have the AUDACITY to do it, much like the Master himself:

Plus I like this song. Oh, and is it just me, but does Little Old Doctor look like Peter Boyle? HE DOES.

Harry Potter
* So, has everyone seen the Deathly Hallows trailer?

It doesn't look very good, does it? Then again, I am still annoyed by the royal SHAFTING of every one of my favorite plot lines in Half-Blood Prince, so maybe I am not the best person to review this. (But really, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HERMIONE BEING SAD, OK? OR RON SMOOCHING PEOPLE. LET'S FOCUS ON BELLATRIX AND HER CRAZY, and the glory that is SNAPE, OK?)

Food!Fail
* These might taste good, but the moment they pass your lips, you die:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]

French fries and cheese curd wrapped in a spring roll served with brown gravy dipping sauce.

Oh, if you look at the picture too long, your cholesterol goes up significantly. I should have mentioned that earlier.

Words of Win

see more Funny Graphs

You all think I'm joking about hibernating for the rest of the winter, but I AM NOT JOKING AND I AM COLD AS ALL HELL.
- LV

Who Dares To Soil My Normal Boy Head With This PORK COW?!

2010-01-11T09:27:00.010-05:00

Blog
* Pork cow sounds AWESOME. Title is from Invader Zim.

Movie!Fail
* Blake Lively is going to be Carol Ferris in the Green Lantern movie. I like Blake Lively, but seriously. MISCAST? She looks nothing like Carol Ferris. NOTHING AT ALL. And she seems way too young. I know she's not really in high school, but come on! She's still too young. This is like when Kate Bosworth was cast as Lois Lane. You can't be a reporter when you're still in middle school.
This is Carol Ferris:

[Found at Slash Film]
MISCAST. I STAND BY IT.

Comics
* Here are the ten comic books you should be following in 2010, according to Newsarama. I'm especially looking forward to new work by Alan Moore and Alan Moore's beard, the conclusion of Ex Machina, and Choker with art by Ben Templesmith.

Words Of Win
* I love this guy, and would like to buy him a drink:

On Tuesday, a 19-year-old man was arrested for running through Stateline Casino naked, claiming he is a Terminator who had traveled back in time from the future.

Then he went into the children's arcade.

Moment Of Win

see more Epic Fails

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Tudyk, AKA Alpha Wash, AKA Stop Killing Him, You Bastards, holding a lightsaber and wearing a floppy white hat. Yeah, I have no idea what's going on here. I'm going to pretend it's a still from the Arrested Development movie.

Books
* The book is always different from the movie. Always. Not necessarily better (OK, it usually is, but I can think up several examples where I preferred the movie. Just saying), but invariably different. Everyone knows that. Even Mad Magazine:

[Found at Boing Boing]
I want to see the werewolf romantic comedy!

Food!Win
* OMG IT IS MONDAY AND I WANT CHOCOLATE BUTTERSCOTCH BROWNIES RIGHT NOW. THIS SECOND:

[Found at CakeSpy]
No, really, I think I need these in order to be a functioning human being. LOOK, I'll make it easy: You get the ingredients, I'LL make them. You get none of them, but you can smell them as they cook. BUTTERSCOTCH BROWNIES.
Is it really Monday? Where's the caffeine drip?

Nostalgia!Win
* CRAYONS YOU CAN EAT. They are made out of fruits and vegetables, and you can eat them:

[Found at Incredible Things]
Now they need to make an edible glue stick. Because the Glue Stick Eating Kid in my preschool always looked sad as he surreptitiously NOMMed on his stolen glue sticks. I always felt bad for him. Until he went to MIT. At 15.

Want
* OH MY GOD VLAD THE IMPALER ACTION FIGURE? YES. CRAZY AND WEIRD AND RANDOM, BUT EPIC WANT:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
It's $300.00, which is a lot of money, but it doesn't come out until August. A lot could happen by then. I could win the lottery! Or rob a bank. Or.... um... get nice presents from my friends?

Whut?
* Yeah, I can't pretend to understand why anyone would do this to a baby:

[Found at Unique Daily]
Where do you find a suit for babies? DO THEY MAKE THOSE NOW?

If anyone says, 'a case of the Mondays,' I am legally allowed to hit them with a stapler.

- LV