I Tried To Stay In The Car. I Really Did!

Blog
* He's lying, you know. He didn't try to stay in the car AT ALL. Title is from Castle, which got renewed!

People I Love
* Kelly Osbourne looks awesome (and I want her hair), her fiancee is adorable and practically clear he is so pale and blonde, and her dress amuses me to no end:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Really, how do I get that hair color? We as a society need to make this happen.

Geek Want
* When did sneakers become so amazingly cool again? And can we possibly get some Firefly sneakers? OOH, or Doctor Who-themed Converse, in honor of David Tennant? I HAVE SHOE IDEAS THAT THE WORLD NEEDS. Ahem. Here are Paper Mario Nikes:

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, but my Imaginary Sneakers Of Super Awesome wouldn't be almost $200. That amount of money doesn't exist! HAHA.... I want to go shopping.

Food!Fail
* After multiple cakes of adorable charm, I figured I'd show you one that will crush your soul and destroy the very fiber of your being:

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Saddest. Cake. Ever.

Technology
* Here's a guide for watching porn on your iPad at work. I don't have an iPad, I don't watch porn (especially at work), and to be honest the fact that this article exists makes me want to sob over the fate of society. People, please: WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME TO ENJOY PORNOGRAPHY. Or at least aren't at work. I know it's about office work, but I just keep thinking about airplane pilots doing this, and I have ENOUGH PLANE ANXIETY AS IT IS, OK?

Life Lessons
* I love Spongebob, and I will not apologize for that. Plankton and Squidward are brilliant. And after a long day at work, sometimes I want to watch a talking sponge go jellyfishing with a squirrel, OK? I DON'T JUDGE YOUR LIFE. And while there are endless jokes involving Spongebob, and drugs, few are quite so accurate. Here's your handy guide for the spongey chemicals.:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Oh, and one episode definitely had a joke about Spongebob innocently delivering drugs to Patrick. For reals.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, AKA Sam Merlotte from True Blood. Have I mentioned I miss True Blood? In the South, everyone has amazing supernatural sex all the time and drinks and eats insane food. It's on HBO, so you know it's true.]

Daily Icon

[Sophia Loren, proof that goddesses do walk among us, and maybe if we stand close to them we can absorb some of their fabulosity.]

Movie!Win
* Have you seen The Raven? It's six minutes of epic fucking genius:

Avatar can EAT ME, I'll just watch this for two hours. And you know what? I'll be HAPPIER.

Wow
* Guys, what do you even want me to say here? What COULD I SAY? I just... I don't know. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's been a weird week, with a lot of stress, and I don't even OWN any chicken memorabilia:

[Found at The World's Best Ever]
To quote Warren Ellis, NO CHIKKINS.

WTF, INTERNET
* Ladies and gentlemen, I present a reusable Pokemon Maxi Pad. So when women have their period, they look at Pikachu:

[Found at Neatorama]
This is either the best thing or the worst thing ever to have happened in the history of the universe. I don't know. I can't decide. It's sort of hilarious, and entertaining, but it's Pokemon and I don't know. I'm more alarmed that someone looked at a Pokemon and decided to create a maxi pad. Who looks at Pikachu and thinks, "Wow, I'd love to BLEED ALL OVER THAT ONCE A MONTH?" I DEMAND AN ANSWER. Or maybe not. Maybe some things are best left unknown.
And maybe it's just me, but I don't much like the idea of Pokemon leaping into my lower orifice.

Animals
* BABY WOMBAT BABY WOMBAT IT IS SO TINY AND WEE AND BABY WOMBAT:

[Found at Daily Mail]
Wombats are native to New Jersey, right? I CAN HAZ? I'll name him Sigfried, and he can sleep at the foot of my bed with my dog and cat. BABY WOMBAT.

Music
* If Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Metallica all had a huge orgy and then a hideous freak baby emerged from that unholy union, this is what we'd get:

I've named it MetalliGaga. Featuring Beyonce.

TeeVee
* I am full of conflict. For years, FOX has been the Evil TV Overlord. They cancel ALL the shows I love, and make me cry, and fuck up the order of the episodes they do air (remember what they did to Firefly? DO YOU?) or they cut the number (Arrested Development) and basically take every show I love and shit all over it, leaving me a miserable and angry fangirl shouting into the void of the internet, while Life, Unexpected gets renewed on the CW (I have never seen this show, but the commercials were so obnoxious that I hate the show forever now) (CW is still the WB, no matter what ANYONE says).

But the winds are changing. No, really. This year, FOX made Glee, and they renewed Human Target AND Lie To Me, when common sense insisted that one of them would get the axe, which made me enormously happy, because now I have snarky British Tim Roth AND Jackie Earle Haley on a weekly basis. So apparently FOX is taking a break from making me sad, since they already cancelled Dollhouse a while back.

BUT BUT now NBC is being dickish. As I mentioned, they cancelled Heroes. And while I love the show (I have to admit Igave up this season because I had no idea what was going on, and nobody seemed to have any clue what they were doing, and Hiro was sad all the time, and Sylar was more whiny than insane/sexy, among other reasons) it was time for it to go. It had a good few years (its first season remains genius) and deserves to step out with dignity (and a return of Christopher Eccleston as Crazy Invisible Pigeon Man Of Secks?).

Unfortunately, NBC has decided to steal the Dickish Network title from FOX, for reasons I cannot comprehend, and is just ENDING the series on a CLIFFHANGER, and not even giving us a series finale TV movie episode THING. AND THAT IS HORSE-SHIT. LV DOES NOT APPROVE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. The show was really good, and juggled some very complex (occassionally demented) plot lines, and ROBERT FORRESTER WAS A VILLAIN, DUDES. AND SULU WAS ON IT. SULU. SULU WILL FUCK A BITCH UP. God dammit, I'm remembering how much I used to love the show.

OK, new plan: Sylar and Peter Petrelli team up and fight the NBC Executive assholes, shirtless, and Hiro makes that adorable wobbly face, and Sulu KILLS EVERYONE, and then the cute boys all kiss, and Claire falls down a well (OH, and Ali Larter, who does not have a power but a DISORDER) the end.

I miss Heroes.
- LV

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Big Damn Heroes.

Blog
* This needs to be added to my list of T-Shirts I must make. Title is from Firefly.

Comics
* I don't usually follow Spider-Man's orders, but I do believe in the importance of voting:

That being said, I'd do pretty much anything The Beast said. You don't mess with him. He's a large blue dude. You don't piss off large blue dudes.

Girly!Want
* I need everything in the following picture, and you all need to buy it for me:

[Found at Haute Macabre]
Why do you need to buy it for me? Oh, there's an excellent reason.... but I can't tell you. It's a secret. Just trust me, and send money.

Food!Win
* This is the cutest cake since the Wall-E cake. Maybe even cuter:

[Found at Geekologie]
Yes, it is in fact cuter. But not too cute to eat. In fact, it's too cute NOT to eat. Look, I don't have to make sense, it's a goddamn Ewok cake and I need to nom it RIGHT NOW.

Words Of Win
* So I think Heroes is canceled (the information is confusing and contradictory, and Greg Grunberg keeps saying it isn't, and I suspect NBC doesn't really know, or they're worried Zachary Quinto will get into method acting and try to study their brains).

Which is too bad, because for a while it was a brilliant show with much awesome and sexy guys angsting all over the place. Which I enjoy. I hope they do a TV movie series finale, because the show deserves a good send-off. And maybe Christopher Eccleston will come back with his pigeons. A girl can dream. But I digress:

I think if Sylar and Peter had just hugged more, the show would have remained good. PS Claire annoys me.

Childhood!Fail
* It's not unplugged, is it?

[Found at Friggin Random]
Nope, it totally isn't unplugged. Who wants to field trip to the hospital?

Daily Hot Guy

[James Marsters, who is inarguable proof that an English accent makes even hot guys hotter. It's inexplicable, and unquestionable. Anyway, he's in a suit, and if you pretend he's speaking to you in a British accent, life is quite wonderful.]

Daily Icon

[Xena, who hung out with Bruce Campbell, which is even FURTHER proof she's a goddess.]

Iron Man 2
* Hopefully you've seen it by now, and SAM ROCKWELL was in it, which I knew and then forgot about, because I am a terrible person. I love Sam Rockwell. I want him to be the villain next time. That would delight me. Anyway, here's a clip:

I saw it twice in one weekend. Actually within 24 hours. Not on purpose. Honest. Tony Stark rules.

Whut?
* Continuing my theory that People Are Awful/Confusing/Frightening, I present Ginormous Mermaid Bosoms On A Tiny Little Girl:

[Found at World Of Wonder]
I'm not even going into 'Mermaid Assistant.'

Doctor Who
* The Doctor in LEGO form! Lookit! Nine! With a Banana! Random Capitalization!

[Found at Neatorama]
I miss Nine. I want a Three Doctors with Nine, Ten, and Eleven. Please? I've been a very good girl. In my mind.

True Blood
* True Blood is getting another werewolf this season. And, since it's True Blood, there will be enormous amounts of nudity:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Frankly, as long as Eric Northman shows up and is hot and evil and text messaging people, I don't give a shit what happens.

Supernatural
* Rather than post a review of last night's season finale of Supernatural (as I screamed on Twitter, TOO MANY EMOTIONS TO EXPRESS WITH MERE WORDS, BUT I THINK IT WAS GOOD, YES?), here's a GIF that makes life worth living:

[Swiped from Miss Bushido, who shows me such goodness]

Epic!Win
* This sums up my entire view of internet life:

[Found at Very Demotivational]

Books
* Sigh..... Here's a review of 1984 from Amazon:

At first I did like the book. Then it just started to suck right around the time when Winston was getting sexually involved with his girl friend. I hated the book so much that I forgot her name. The first hundred or so pages i liked, then it just got really boring. So II highly reccomend that you DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. And please for the love of God don't read that "Brave New World" book by Hoxley. It is twice as worse as 1984. To put it bluntly, DON'T READ ANY GEORGE ORWELL. Your just waisting your time.

You misspelled 'Huxley.' And you used the incorrect form of 'your.' And I hate you. I hate you so much. Frankly, I don't think George Orwell WANTS you to like his book. There's a review of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, but it made me feel violent and shouty, so click the link to read it.

Stupidity should be painful. Wait, is that why I have a sinus headache? DON'T ANSWER THAT.
- LV

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Always Be Yourself, Unless You Suck.

Blog
* The world would be so much better if more people followed this simple rule. Title is from Joss Whedon.

* THE BLOG IS BEING UPDATED. THE FOURTH HORSEMAN IS SHOWING UP (actually, if you watch Supernatural, he already showed up, with pizza!). I will be explaining the long absence, but a lot of it is Super Sekrit At The Moment, so just pretend I have been busy knitting and touring the world and living a fabulous life of decadence. Or something.

Want
* Warren Ellis wants us to declare war on the moon:

If Stephen Hawking endorses this course of action, I'm ready to engage in battle. Provided I get a big shiny weapon.

Crafts
* I will be the first to admit I am bad at math. Unless it is algebra, which I am scary good at, numbers confuse and frighten me, and I think you should just figure out the bill, OK?
But even I, with my questionable grasp of simple arithmetic, see a problem here:

[Found at Regretsy]
So... it's $10.00 in money, prettily folded. But you're charging $20.00 PLUS shipping and handling? It's like a riddle. WHERE DOES THE EXTRA $10.00 go? Is this just a test? To see if someone would pay money FOR MONEY OF A LESSER AMOUNT?
I'm not even dealing with the fact that it's shaped like a cross. There's only so much I can handle.

Politics
* So, remember that politician Dave Vitter? And how he got off on wearing diapers around prostitutes?

[Found at Wonkette]
Nothing's going on with him. I just like to remind people that America has a United States Senator who enjoys wearing diapers for sexytimes. That's all. Carry on.

Ad!Fail
* In the following ad, a cucumber is hiding in the shower while a nakedish lady panics because her boyfriend/husband is going to walk in and find her fornicating with the salad:

[Found at LikeCool]
A few notes, dear readers:
A) OUCH.
B) EW.
C) All I can think is, does the cucumber have a penis, or is the woman pleasuring herself with anthropomorphic vegetables? Because the paramedics should be on call.
D) I have no interest in purchasing any product that assumes I want to get naked around fruits or vegetables. And now I'm afraid of salads. Well done.

Scary
* OH GOD IT'S COMING TO GET ME IT WON'T STOP NOTHING WILL STOP IT:

I FOR ONE WELCOME OUR NEW TERRIFYING OVERLORDS THAT CANNOT BE TIPPED OVER.
The longer you watch this video, the more upsetting it gets.

Social Networking
* Still, doesn't one get points for honesty?

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Not a lot of points.... but points.... I'm trying to be more positive, and YOU ARE NOT HELPING, INTERNET.

Daily Hot Guy

[Steve Carell, from the not-very-good movie Dan in Real Life, but he's wearing a sweater and plays guitar, and I quite possibly cried when he sang 'Let My Love Open The Door,' because I am an utter sap deep down, and now that I've admitted that I need to go think about violence and explosions and zombies for a while.]

Daily Icon

[Patti Smith, who is cooler than all of us could ever hope to be, COMBINED, with Robert Mapplethorpe, ALSO cooler than anyone could ever dare to hope to be. Man, this is the New York City I wanted to live in. The rest of you can live in Sex & The City. I'll be over here with the amazing people.]

Apocalypse How?
* Some people are working on technology that allows you to steer your car with your eyes. Can you imagine trying to apply mascara with this going on? Or checking out a hot guy? You could meet the hot guy AS YOU CRUSH HIM BELOW THE WHEELS OF YOUR VEHICLE.

And while the article is quick to point out this doesn't seem to be consumer-aimed, THINK ABOUT IT. 'Oh look, a puppy. It's so cute-OH DEAR GOD I CAN'T LOOK AWAY FROM ITS ADORABLE-' CRUNCH. Then you go to hell. The end.

Tattoo Of Win
* I'm not going to lie: I have no idea what's going on here.

[Found at Ugliest Tattoos]
I think it's better that way. Please don't explain it to me. Ignorance is bliss.

Nostalgia!Win
Let's end this on a happy note, shall we?

The Muppets make everything better. That is fact. Anyone found arguing with this fact will be shunned hideously by everyone they know and love.

Tonight is the Supernatural season finale. I'm very nervous. I will be discussing this via blog later. Be prepared.
- LV

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