Clouds Don't Kill People. People Kill People.

Blog
* What if people killed people, only with the mighty power of clouds? Did I just blow your mind? HA, a wind joke... don't look at me. Title is from Psych.

* April I will be blogging every day for NaBloPoMo, because the blogging here has been disgraceful. Really, there is dust everywhere, no one has been in here to blog in ages, and IS THAT A ROACH? SOMEONE KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Music
* I am going to pimp out my friend Danielle's EP, Stagefright at Traffic Lights, because A) she is brilliant and beautiful and Irish, B) she is a wonderful friend, and C) the EP is remarkable. My personal favorite song is 'Pact,' but her piano work and lyrics are lovely, funny, and sad. It's dark, clever cabaret, and worth a listen. You can sample the songs for free, but you need to download the album to get two secret tracks. Oh, and Danielle is also a writer, a blogger, and I think I need to go visit her in October at Octocon, FOR SCIENCE.

Whut?

[Found at VeryDemotivational.com]
I get it's supposed to be a joke, but Patrick Star over in the corner is REALLY freaking me out. Also, WHAT?

Food!Win
* See, this cake is too cute to eat, which I think is rude.

[Found at Geekologie]
How can I eat something so adorable and sweet and wholesome? ....OK, I would, but I'd feel guilty about it. Really guilty. There would be tears. Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer had to eat Pinchie, because Pinchie would have wanted it? Yeah, basically that, only me weeping between bites of cake, whimpering, "Why did you have to be so delicious, Wall-E, stop staring at me is that real buttercream icing?"

Words Of Win
* See, guys, it's stuff like this that makes people hate America:

[Found at FailBlog]
Hell, I hate us, and I live here. Oh, and I really wish they'd put an apostrophe in "you'd," because that is how my brain works.

Fandom
* Did you know you can buy a replica of the dagger Jake used in Avatar?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
For $129, you can immediately ostracize the many, many people who didn't like Avatar (or, like me, thought it was overrated, and preferred the original version, AKA Ferngully: The Last Rainforest).

But you know what you can't buy? The best picture Oscar, HAH. It's OK, James Cameron is wiping his tears with $100 bills, while I make nasty comments about his expensive memorabilia. So everyone wins, really. Remember when Avatar lost the Oscar to a movie that didn't involve hair!sex? Yeah, I was excited. I'm sorry, it was a beautiful movie - really, visually gorgeous and I want to be Sigourney Weaver when I grow up, but I am an immature young lady, and I cannot get past the fact that they ran around STICKING THEIR BODY PARTS IN LIVING THINGS. It's rude. I'm sorry, this is the last rant on Avatar ever. It's time to let it go. I must be stronger than my exasperation.

What was I talking about? Oh, the daggers. They're very pretty.

People I Love
* Did I ever tell you guys about the time Warren Ellis Tweeted me, and I was so worried I'd say something to inspire his much-deserved wrath that I had to turn off my laptop and go drink some tea, to calm down? Probably, because I love and fear Warren Ellis and the awful things he says. I also love Twitter, to the point where my private account has a shameful number of Tweets that speaks of serious problems, but I never use my Facebook, so it evens out, RIGHT?

Anyway. This is how Warren Ellis refers to Twitter:

Twitter: A Shitbox For Your Brain

And thus it is. I mean, look at what he writes on Twitter. BEHOLD:

* Haven’t trimmed my beard in so long that it’s gone from Crackling Virility Hedge to Hobo Rape Thicket.

If Twitter is a Shitbox for your brain, there are disturbing implications about my need to compulsively Tweet my irritation over toilet paper commercials.

(WHY BEARS? SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW THIS WILL SELL ME A PRODUCT).

Love and fear are both part of the Warren Ellis packet. And sometimes some nausea. Also, I really really need this Brain Bleach Mug, so someone should buy it for me. I'll blog more! And... drink coffee from it, probably.

Daily Hot Guy
[Misha Collins, AKA Castiel from Supernatural, AKA "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," AKA BAMF ANGEL, AKA did you know his appearance is based on Constantine from Hellblazer? Yes, I have a problem with him. No, I don't want to talk about it. 2010: The Year Of Hot Badass Angels. And LV said it was good.]

Daily Icon

[Carrie Fisher, inarguable proof that you can be a total hottie, an actress, an author, a memoirist, and a brilliantly funny human being. And have a sense of humor about your gold bathing suit.]

Awesome
* It's funny because it's true. And it explains why blogging in the morning can be nigh on impossible, when there is suddenly decaffeinated coffee in the vicinity. What is the point of decaf? TO DESTROY LIVES AND BLOGS, THAT'S THE POINT.

[Found at The Oatmeal]
There are four more phases, and only two of them are good. The other two... we don't talk about those. You can't crash if you NEVER STOP DRINKING CAFFEINE. No, I never abused my caps lock key before I started ingesting energy drinks on a daily basis, why do you ask?

Technology
* I usually blame the failings of technology on the evil demons that live in the internet, or my own near-legendary skill to destroy things without trying. So when this reason came up in the Bastard Operator From Hell-Style Excuses Server, I felt JUSTIFIED:

Daemon escaped from pentagram .

The excuses on this page for server errors make me happy, and I think if we all used them constantly, the world would be a better place. Now someone go redraw the pentagram. And get more rock salt.

Life Lessons
* I don't know if Millarca made this or just found it, but either way it is the ultimate and final truth:

If she and Freddie Mercury joined forces, the universe would be a fabulous and lovely place. Why is this not the way life is?

Movie!Win
* Yes, this is very old, but you know what? Win is Win, and I demand that some of these improbable movie trading cards exist, RIGHT NOW:

[Found at Automatic Lifestyle Dispenser]
I would buy Barton Fink trading cards. I would buy them like nobody's business. And Miller's Crossing trading cards. Man, that was a fantastic movie. Oh, and remember The Hudsucker Proxy? I love the Coen brothers. And they seem like they'd make trading cards, don't they? This feels so right.

Wow
* Sometimes, I really and truly believe that the internet was created with the sole purpose of slowly driving us all insane:

[Found at LikeCool]
Why? Who looks at a mosquito (one of the most evil creatures on the planet, and right up there with raisins and clowns on the list of Things LV Hates & Fears), and thinks, 'Gee, wouldn't it be super-nifty if mosquitos were mated with elephants, and destroyed civilization by SMOOSHING US, THEN SUCKING THE SMOOSHED BLOOD?' You know what? I don't want to know the logic there. Mosquitos are evil, and I hate them, and now I need a tennis racket for when it gets warmer, because these things are coming.

Yes, artistically it's gorgeous and well-done, but let's forget that and focus on the abject horror here. And why do I feel like the elephant is undressing me with his eyes? I'm all sorts of uncomfortable.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know what? It's images like these that make me want to give up on this category, because there is HONESTLY NOTHING I could write that would in any way enhance the insanity of this product:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
It's a Screaming Condom USB drive. Yeah. You know, I don't get paid for this. And if I did, I'd be demanding a raise, because HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE ANY JOKES ABOUT A SCREAMING CONDOM USB DRIVE? THE PRODUCT IS THE JOKE. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE.

Now I have a headache, and a pervasive fear that a random blue condom will show up and scream at me, and I will never know why. Well played, Internet.
- LV

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Did You Ever Get That Ninja Ghost Out Of Your Toilet?

Blog
* Actually, we came to a cautious truce with the ninja ghost. His name is Frank. We don't use that toilet anymore. Title is from Invader Zim.

* LOOKIT. A REAL BLOG ENTRY.

WTF, INTERNET?
* At first, I thought this was just a joke.

see more Epic Fails
It's not.
Now, let's try to imagine using this in real life. What do you do when your partner straps this onto their head? How do you respond? Laughing awkwardly while trying to gather up your clothes? Hitting them with the nearest lamp and fleeing to a nunnery/convent/monastery?
I can see someone buying this as a gag, but the idea of a person purchasing this with the serious intent of using it to find their partners' bits just messes with my head. You should not need a special light for this. The end. NO, THE END. The conversation is over.

Fandom
* I don't give a crap WHICH fandom you are a member of, this may very well be the most terrifying pillow in existence:

[Found at Regretsy]
Its neck NEVER ends. It just goes on and on forever, and bobs gently in the breeze, as it stares at you with its dead, empty eyes.
And the name itself bugs me: Manllow. Shouldn't it be 'Manillow'? Or are we worried that Barry Manilow will sue? This pillow raises questions I simply am not qualified to answer.

Animals
* I'm pretty sure one of the girls from World Peace Through Jackie Earle Haley showed me this. I remember crying with laughter for several minutes.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

I want this frog to be America's mascot. Not for any political reasons. I just love this frog.

Music
* The quality isn't great, but A) it's Butch fucking Walker, and B) I WAS AT THIS SHOW, with the sublime Laroux74, and we had to SWIM to get there, and I want to go again. He's better in concert, and I didn't think that was possible.


Zombies
* The fact that this site exists makes up for pretty much everything I've ever shown in WTF, INTERNET?. Oh, and it confirms that ZOMBIES ARE TAKING OVER. WE ARE DOOMED. WHERE'S MY FLAME THROWER? I TOLD YOU GUYS I NEEDED ONE.

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)

Scary
* I hate myself for posting this. Reason number infinity I DO IN FACT NEED A FLAME THROWER, YOU GUYS. BURN THE EVIL.

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Clowns are proof that we live in an insane, evil universe that wants us to cry under the covers forever.

Daily Hot Guy

[It's OK, everyone! Tim Roth is here and he's going to shoot the clown, then set it on fire, light a cigarette off the burning clown, and make a pithy yet cutting remark in his accent. I feel better now. Tim Roth=Destroyer of Evil.]

Daily Icon

[Maya Angelou, writer, poet, literary goddess, and surprisingly funny when she's not breaking your heart. If all you've read of her work is I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings (in high school, under duress), reread it. Then go find her other works. Her poetry is breathtaking.]

Social Networking
* At least it's succinct:

see more funny facebook stuff!

Girly!Want
* Hopefully my readers either like really pretty shoes that I cannot afford, or naked lady butts:

[Found at Like Cool]
For those of you that enjoy both, you are very welcome. Now get me those shoes.

Food!Win
* Why isn't there a God of Caffeine? I mean, I jokingly make up minor gods all the time, like the God of Tangled Yarn, or the Goddess of Tripping In Front Of Your Ex And His New Girlfriend, or Goddess Of Being Out Of The One Goddamn Comic I Want To Buy This Week, but those don't count. I mean a real God of caffeine. Or a religion. We could worship caffeine, and talk about our favorite ways of ingesting caffeine, and maybe sacrifice sleeping pills to caffeine, possibly? This is starting to sound more like a support group. Which I'm also OK with.
And we could eat these:

[Found at ThinkGeek]
Yes, caffeinated cookies exist. And if you ingest them with energy drinks, you can run backwards through time. Or, you know, keel over and have to spend some time in the hospital.
Notice I managed to write a whole entry about caffeine without abusing the capslocks key. Just a sign of how little caffeine I have ingested today, and why I am a sleepy little blogger.

Moment Of Win
* Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the dentist....

see more Epic Fails
You know what would be even SCARIER? Put the oral sex light on the bear's head.

Epic!Fail
* I love England, and I want to move there and live there forever, because I think it's the best place in the universe. I am a fan of England. But before I relocate across an ocean for the love of all things British, events like these must stop taking place:

A DECISION to drop charges against a 10-year-old yob who admitted stabbing a teacher in the chest with a pencil and assaulting two other staff was condemned last night by teaching unions.

Children: Do not stab your teachers with ANYTHING. This is something I should not have to tell you. (Incidentally, why are you reading this blog, hypothetical child? WHAT ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING?)
Police: Do not drop charges against people who stab other people, with pencils or ANYTHING ELSE, OK?
Actually, if this had taken place in America, the kid would have stabbed EVERYONE with bayonet he made out of beer cans, and there'd already be a reality show about it, a made-for-TV movie, and a clothing line with strategically placed holes. So never mind, England. Carry on. Love, LV

People I Love
* I cannot draw. At all. In my wildest fantasies, I cannot draw. I accept this with a measure of bitterness, because I would very much like to have some talent in that area.
Luckily, my friends are brilliant, and draw pictures of Spider Jerusalem that make me happy in every way possible:

{Drawn by Puina]
So she'll draw things, and I can be all, 'I know wicked talented people, bitches,' and take pride through the accomplishments of others. Excellent plan.

I'd make some promise to blog regularly, but then you'd all be cross if I don't, and frankly I don't need that stress in my life. But I have an upcoming interview to post, reviews, yelling, stuff you need to buy made by people I know and love, and even a few serious pieces. It's ALL HAPPENING, PEOPLE. Eventually.

And if I don't blog, my excuse is that the state has FLOODED, and I'm chilling on my roof.
- LV

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I Blogged In The Other Blog, So You Could Have Some Blog In Your Blog

For those of you that don't regularly read my personal blog, my DVD Player just destroyed what lingering faith I had in Apple products, and I screamed in Latin. Good times were had by everyone but me.

- LV

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Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

Blog
* Insert usual bullshit about what a bad blogger I am. I have no excuse, besides laziness and stress and real life keeping me from updating you all on the random weirdness of the internet. Here's something a little different: A look at some of my favorite new perfume, AND IT IS COMIC-BASED AND ONE MAKES ME THINK OF TV SHOWS.

Shopping

So, I got my first order from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, after being told by pretty much everyone amazing that I needed some to live. They were right, per usual. I never should have doubted them. Here's what I ordered:

LIZ
A light, feminine vanilla floral perfume and a swirl of smoke and leather.

Which is freaking gorgeous, and makes me happy, and actually cured my migraine today, meaning it has MAGIC POWERS (as does Mike Mignola himself) (and why aren't there more comic perfumes? Someone make a Transmetropolitan line. I would buy it. OR FABLES. OR....) and:

HELLFIRE
:: NEW FORMULATION
A scent celebrating Sir Francis Dashwood's Order of the Knights of St. Francis of Wycombe, also known as the Hellfire Club. A swirl of pipe tobacco, hot leather, ambergris, dark musk and the lingering incense smoke from their Black Mass.

I was worried the two scents would be similar, but they're completely different. Hellfire is much more intense, sensual, for evenings. Yes, I pretend it's from Supernatural. Shame: I lack it.

But but! BPAL also gives you imps, because they are benevolent scent gods, and also they want me to spend MORE imaginary money. Imps are small samples of other scents. I got four with my order, picked at random and a complete (but welcome) surprise. They gave me:

BLACK LOTUS
Born in the shadows of a Temple to Set, this corrupted Egyptian scent evokes images of black pyramids, river demons, and bleak, deadly desert sands. Black lotus flower, amber, myrrh and sandalwood.

SANTA EULÀRIA DES RIU
Piquant citrus tempered by jasmine, soft Mediterranean herbs, lavender and orange blossom.

SERPENTS WITH GLITTERING EYES AND FORKY TONGUES
It was a long way to her own house, and the chest seemed to grow heavier at every step. Sometimes she felt as if it would be impossible for her to get on at all, but her greed gave her strength, and at last she arrived at her own door. She sank down on the threshold, overcome with weariness, but in a moment was on her feet again, fumbling with the lock of the chest. But by this time night had come, and there was no light in the house, and the woman was in too much hurry to get to her treasures, to go and look for one. At length, however, the lock gave way, and the lid flew open, when, O horror! instead of gold and jewels, she saw before her serpents with glittering eyes and forky tongues. And they twined themselves about her and darted poison into her veins, and she died, and no man regretted her.

Serpentine green herbs, glistening red currant, sparkling yellow lemon rind, green musk, lime, and snakeskin.

CZERNOBOG
Created in honor of the Slavic Black God of the Dead. A nighttime god of grief, evil, chaos and woe, he is paralleled by his twin brother Bylebog, god of light, joy, order, and good fortune. A combination of three musks, with splashes of dark myrrh, vetiver and mullein.

My perfume is morbid. I love it all. And they have Neil Gaiman/Terry Pratchett perfume, and Lovecraft perfum, and steampunk, and this is going to be an enormous problem for me, isn't it? Because, clearly, there aren't enough other things I desperately need to buy.

By the way, many of my friends make music/yarn/perfume/makeup/art/writing, and I am going to promote the hell out of them, in between returning to my regularly scheduled blogging (Monday, honest. HONEST. Have I ever lied to you?) and other things I have in mind. I have ideas. And if you have suggestions/questions/comments/blank checks/Christopher Eccleston's phone number, please let me know.

- LV

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Someone Ever Tries To Kill You You Try To Kill 'Em Right Back!

Blog
* This is my life philosophy. Title is from Firefly.

I am trying out different sorts of blog entries, and you guys need to tell me if you prefer the old format, or the new one. THIS IS YOUR JOB. In return you will get funny/informative entries. Maybe.

Relax, tomorrow we're returning to the old format, for the most part, and MAN have there been a lot of toilets built since I took a break. Hah... eh...

Tonight I'm LiveBlogging/LiveTweeting the Oscars. You guys should tune in, as I am sure there will be much screaming/raging/armflailing/me demanding that Paul Haggis return his Oscar and apologize. It will be fine. So check out here at 8 PM EST, and my Twitter account as well. There will be fun!

Reader Questions
* Since I have a Formspring, and it's fun answering questions, and I have awesome readers, here are a few questions/comments from you guys:

A quick note: you are aware that the Beatles didn't do their own voices in the original Yellow Submarine, right?
- S Michael Wilson, Author, Blogger, Movie Critic

Yeah, I do know. But I care not, because at least they were around to sign away their lives. They could make the decision themselves. More importantly, the idea of a CGI'd George Harrison makes my soul weep.

i was wondering where abouts in england you were visiting? if you don't think i'm bein massively invasive or crossing some sort of boundary that is! i'm from sheffield myself which is famous for making things out of steel and also the magnificent PULP!

so, yeah, nice one!
-Elrossiter, Blogger, Photographer, Awesome-Type British person

I was in Greater London. I visited Surrey, Kent, and spent much time at Victoria Station. Pulp is FANTASTIC. I enjoy everything about your country. I haven't been to Sheffield, but I will definitely put it on my next itinerary. I WANT TO LIVE IN ENGLAND, OH GOD.... I'm OK. I'll make some tea.

WHY MUST HOLLYWOOD DO THIS??? There are some remakes that are full of win, but seriously...CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG? NO. Dick Van Dyke is gonna mow down some mutha fuckas with a flame thrower. Hell he can borrow mine.
- DancesWithElvis, Artist, Blogger, Scientist, Weapons Expert

I think we need to get Dick Van Dyke a flame thrower. That would solve most of the worlds' problems. Or me. I need one. For obvious reasons. All problems can be solved with fire.

And two questions from FormSpring:

What would you do if you found out, late in the relationship, that your boyfriend was a clown?
You guys just LOVE making me think about clowns, don't you? First off, this would never happen. What, is he a secret clown? What sort of clown? The Joker is, technically, a clown, but he scares me in a good way. If my boyfriend had a Joker thing, I could live with that. Any other clown? Like that scary-ass one that honked on TV but didn't talk? You really think I wouldn't notice my boyfriend's big floppy shoes or red nose? I AM OBSERVANT.

If you were a superhero (or villain, doesnt matter), what would your power be?

I want to be one of those criminal masterminds. I want to be a combination of Lex Luthor, Harley Quinn, and Catwoman.

That doesn't really answer your question... I want super-ninja skills. I want to be able to bring down a guy three feet taller than me. And I want to be crazy and brilliant, and my boyfriend to be The Joker.

So what have we learned here? I love England, fear clowns, resent CGI, enjoy fire, and want to be a tiny mad ninja of justice.

So, no surprises.

- LV

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The Stairs Lack Risers!

Blog
* Deep healing breath, you handsome stoned-out man. Title is from Dollhouse.

* This is not a hiatus-break, but I found a website that made me enormously shouty last night, and it warrants a blog entry. Generally, I like remakes. I do. I have no essential problem with people remaking movies, and even if the remake fails on every imaginable level, it can be an interesting concept. I'm thinking of Gus Van Sant's Psycho, which was so bad as to almost be an art-house win. Remember the part with the cow? That cow haunts me.

And I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake. Is it as good as the original? Haha, of course not. No one compares to Romero. That's not an option. But on its own, it's a fun movie. Remakes can be fun. I'm telling you all this so you'll understand I am not prejudiced against remakes. I am not one of those people who is all, 'HELL NO REMAKES ARE EVIL! BURN THE EVIL!'

But some movies should not be remade. Not because they are 'beyond' being remade, but because the people involved in the remake are so hideously miscast that the idea becomes a parody of itself. Just imagine casting Ashton Kutcher in Citizen Kane. No, really. Think about it.

With all that in mind, here are some remakes coming out that will destroy us all, or at least land some of the more earnest film students in serious therapy.

Remake!Fail
* Akira: Can we stop remaking Japanese movies? Please? We never get them right, and everybody loses. And it's an anime movie. Why does it have be live-action? Someone explain this to me, please? Plus, Leonardo DiCaprio should not be in this movie. He has no place here.

* Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Without Joss Whedon. Which means A) nobody I love desperately will die, thus destroying my faith in the universe, and B) It will probably suck a lot.

* Children of the Corn: This is the first Stephen King remake on this list. It is not the last. I'm sad too.

* Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Oh dear GOD, NO. Dick Van Dyke is going to shank a bitch. Actually, I'd enjoy that.

* Dallas: There will never be a point to this. We can never aspire to the glorious madness of the show. Don't bother trying.

* Dirty Dancing: Dear Hollywood - There's no Dirty Dancing without Patrick Swayze. KTHNXBAI

* Flight of the Navigator: And let the destruction of my childhood begin in 3....2.....1.....

* Forbidden Planet: If James Cameron does direct this movie (so the rumors go), I expect we will see Forbidden Blue Hair Sex. Look, Avatar was a gorgeous film, but the hair!sex was DISTURBING.

* Footloose: Yeah, Chase Crawford is a pretty little thing, but he is not Kevin Bacon, and he never will be. Actually, can Kevin Bacon reprise his role? I'd pay to see that.

* Hellraiser: WHY? WEREN'T THE DIRECT TO VIDEO SEQUELS HORRIBLE ENOUGH?


* Highlander: I DON'T EVEN I CAN'T WHAT.

* Johnny Bravo: Yes, the cartoon. Yes, it will be live-action. No, I don't want to talk about it. This isn't EXACTLY a movie remake, but is so mind-bogglingly unwise that I put it here anyway.


* The Karate Kid: This makes me insane. Really. WE DO NOT NEED WILL SMITH'S SPAWN TO BE IN MOVIES. And while I love Jackie Chan's old movies, he has become safe and boring, and the ghost of Pat Moribita will rise and EAT HIM FOR THIS.

* Limpet: No one can play Don Knotts. Why would you even try?

* The Man Who Came To Dinner: Dear Everyone - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. For the cheap seats - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. Nothing else is up for debate here. I DO NOT WANT HER TO GET HER CARRIE BRADSHAW ON MY BETTE DAVIS.

* The Naked Jungle: Hey, you know what would be an awesome idea? Let's get the guy who wrote Aeon Flux and directed The Punisher, and have him direct The Naked Jungle, a Charlton Heston movie that survives mainly because it starred Charlton Heston! I don't see HOW this could go wrong, do you?

* The Neverending Story: Yes, because you didn't destroy my childhood enough with the CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that looked like green, well-muscled penises (penii?). Is it true Leonard DiCaprio is going to be in this? I have no beef with him. I don't want him to be a part of this abomination.

* Oldboy: I have a dear friend who has almost totally lost her mind over this. Mainly because Will Smith is in talks to play the lead role. If you have seen the original movie, you understand how profoundly horrifying this casting decision is. If you haven't seen the original, go now. Then try to imagine Will Smith in the lead role. Then get someone to hold you as you sob.

* Pet Sematary: Because remakes of Stephen King novels ALWAYS go SO WELL. Anyway, without the Ramones song to back up this movie, it has no point. Sorry. I speak the truth.


* The Phantom Tollbooth: I am heavily biased because I love the book, and the movie, and I just don't think you're ALLOWED to remake Chuck Jones. I think it's a law, somewhere. My angles are many, my sides are not few. I'm the Dodecahedron, who are you?

* Poltergeist: The clown. OH GOD, THE CLOWN.


* RoboCop: FAIL.

* Rock 'n Roll High School: Who's going to be the band? You know what, it doesn't matter. It will fail. How can you replace the Ramones? You can't. Ergo, you lose.

* The Rocky Horror Picture Show: No. Look, there is one Doctor Frank-N-Furter, and that is Tim Curry. So, yeah. No. I don't know how else to get this across. No. I can type that all day. No.

I will apologize for everything I've said if Tim Roth plays Riff Raff. In my mind.

* Rosemary's Baby: I know Roman Polanski is a bad man, but he is also a great filmmaker. And I keep hearing rumors that Lindsay Lohan wants to star in this. Which makes this remake scary in a way never intended.

* Scanners:

Yeah. That's all.

* A Star Is Born: BEYONCE KNOWLES IS NOT JUDY GARLAND. I AM ARMFLAILING OVER THIS. I HATE EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. THERE IS NO GOODNESS TO COME FROM THIS. HELL, BEYONCE IS NOT EVEN BETTE MIDLER. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END WELL. FOR ANYONE.

* Strangers On A Train: ARE THEY REMAKING EVERY HITCHCOCK MOVIE? GET AUNTY LV HER PILLS AND SOME VODKA.

* Straw Dogs: I love James Marsden. I do. He's a good actor, and easy on the eyes. And Alexander Skarsgard is a big hunk of sexy (I miss True Blood). Which is why I want this movie to be good. I DO. But it won't be. Rod Lurie is not Sam Peckinpah. This will all end in tears.

* Suspicion: You are so funny. Will Smith is not Cary Grant. Will Smith will never be Cary Grant. He WISHES he could be Cary Grant, but Cary Grant DEAD could pwn Will Smith. Fact. So let's hope that this whole movie is nothing but vicious rumors, started to make me CRAZY.
And no one can play Joan Fontaine in this movie. STOP ALLOWING HITCHCOCK REMAKES. THEY HURT EVERYONE.

* The Thing: OK, after the remake of The Fog that destroyed several small civilizations, NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO REMAKE JOHN CARPENTER. ESPECIALLY THIS MOVIE.

* They Live: WHAT DID I JUST GET DONE SAYING? Incidentally, I think this movie was shown about ten times during my college career by various professors. It's a good one.

* To Catch A Thief: Haha, you do not remake Alfred Hitchcock. No good comes from that. Hahaha, this is obviously a bad joke. All these Hitchcock remakes are part of an elaborate joke. Good one!

* Vanishing Point: Well, after Hollywood did such a bang-up job remaking Gone in 60 Seconds, I'm sure that their take on Vanishing Point will be flawless. Stick with the original. I want that car. If I can't have my '67 Impala, I will take this car.

And you know that they'll put, like, a wise-ass talking computer voiced by Ben Stiller in the car, and I will die inside.

* Videodrome: There are multiple remakes of David Cronenberg films coming out, which leads me to believe that Universal Pictures is holding some of Cronenberg's family members hostage, and we should save them. For those of you fools who have not seen the original, James Woods and Debbie Harry (Blondie) starred in it, and it broke my brain, and it's freaking genius and weird.

I would, however, move this to Remake!Win with the proper director/cast. Like if Crispin Glover played James Woods' role. Actually, that idea makes me so profoundly happy I need to go lie down for an hour.

* The Warriors: I just don't see how this could be remade. I... I don't understand. Who is making these decisions, and how are they not on fire?


* Yellow Submarine: What. The. Fuck. And is Robert Zemeckis going to do that scary thing he did that ruined The Polar Express and A Christmas Carol, because Mr. Zemeckis, THAT IS SCARY AND NOBODY ENJOYS IT BUT YOU.

PS The Beatles hate you.

PPSS HOW CAN PEOPLE PLAY THE VOICES OF THE BEATLES?

But, lest we be too negative, let's take a look at a few remakes that have the potential to be brilliant. Yes, there are a few remakes out there that might be *gasp* GOOD. Stop laughing. Or are you crying? It will be OK. Maybe. Look:

Remake!Win
* Arthur: I'm sorry, but Russell Brand as Arthur is some brilliant casting. Come on. He's the only guy I can imagine pulling this off.

* The Blob: Rob Zombie is directing this. Yeah, it could be awesome.

* Creature From The Black Lagoon: I am putting a lot of trust in Bill Paxton here. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. You are on warning.

* Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: Guillermo del Toro is remaking like, five movies, and I love him enough that I will allow all of these. I am easily manipulated by directors I like.

* The Fly: David Cronenberg is allowed to remake his own movies. Maybe this is why he's allowing Hollywood to desecrate his films? I don't know. But Jeff Goldblum is The Fly, so I will have a hard time with this. Unless Crispin Glover plays the lead. Any movie is improved by Crispin Glover's involvement. It's a fact of life.

* Frankenstein: Also directed by Guillermo del Toro, which is why I have no complaints. And there hasn't been a good Frankenstein movie since Karloff, anyway.

* The Jetsons: Um, since they might cast Jim Carrey as George Jetson, this is going here. Leave me alone.

* The Lone Ranger: Look, it has Johnny Depp in it, and I am not made out of stone, and part of me is going to pretend that this is Terry Gilliam's Don Quixote movie that never got made. That's how my brain works.

* A Nightmare On Elm Street: I want this to be good. I want SO BADLY for this to be good. I mean, it's starring Jackie Earle Haley. You know how I adore him. He's a truly fantastic actor, and I want this to be good. I HAVE HOPE FOR THIS. LET ME BE HOPEFUL, OK? But yeah. Robert Englund is Freddy. This is very problematic.


* Slaughterhouse-Five: It is shocking that this is not under Fail. I'm a bit shocked myself. But you know what? It's being directed by Guillermo del Toro (who is never going to get to Hellboy 3 at this rate, which makes me SAD INSIDE) and if anyone can adapt Kurt Vonnegut, it is him. I have faith in him. DO YOU HEAR ME? I HAVE FAITH. Plus, the original movie was crap.

* Sunset Boulevard: I was fully prepared to rage about this, but Glenn Close is starring in it, and so are Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman, and that is enough win that I will give it the benefit of the doubt.

* Total Recall: But this will be moved IMMEDIATELY if I don't like the cast/director. I HAVE POWERS.

* True Grit: THE COEN BROTHERS CAN DO NO WRONG. THE END. (OK, The Ladykillers wasn't very good, but let's not dwell on the negative here.)

Movies: Taking us to the edge of madness, then usually pushing us off the freaking edge.

- LV

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My Other Blog Is Not On Hiatus

Hey, HEY! Lookit, a tiny blog entry wherein I am funny and hint about why this blog is taking a break.

Also, this hiatus will be ending very shortly. DO NOT LEAVE ME.

- LV

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Bloggery Over Yonder!

I am doing fairly regular updates at my other blog, ElleVee, and they are funny, and this one involves violence and pain and talking dogs. Hollywood should totally snatch up this shit.

- LV

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Another Non-Post

OK, OK, I lied about updating. But that was to teach you about.... um.... how the internet, it is full of LIES. Yes! This was my plan.

Actually, life, the universe, and everything has been conspiring against me. Or at least blogging.

So I will update, and soon, but I don't want to set a date. BUT BUT:

* The format will be changing (we'll have reviews, commentary, guest bloggers, and contests)

* More reader interaction! (you guys can submit links/videos/artwork/online stores)

* More disturbing toilets and depravities of the internet! (......)

So I will return, more powerful than ever. Honest. OR AM I? No, this time I am.

See you after the quasi-hiatus

- LV

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Non-Post

WE WILL BE UPDATING TODAY. I PROMISE.

- LV

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