Blog * Maybe it does, maybe it does. Title is from Mr. Show.
Daily Buy * I know what I want for Christmas: [Found at Like Cool] It's a TANK. A TANK. I need this. Because then I get to pretend I'm in Firefly, and wear a leather skirt and, like, a halter top and have big Tina Turner in Beyond the Thunderdome hair, and this thing has FLAME THROWERS, PEOPLE. I could live in this tank. And it's a steal at $19,999.95. YOU CAN BUY IT ON AMAZON.
Movie!Fail * We don't need another Amityville Horror remake. Really, we've had enough. The last one only got a pass because of Ryan Reynold's arms. And before you call that shallow, have you SEEN his arms? They end most arguments. They are very good arms. This is not from Amityville Horror, but I like it for many reasons. Anyway, unless you want to feature another sexy guy going crazy shirtless, I am calling this Movie!Fail.
TeeVee * Remember all those 'baby' cartoons that came out for a while? Tiny Toon Adventures was one of my favorites. Wasn't there a Looney Toons Babies or something? I remember being very scared of Bugs Bunny in a diaper. Here's a list of the best and worst, according to Topless Robot. Yes, Topless Robot did expose us all to the Fan Fiction Friday I posted yesterday. But there's NONE OF THAT in this link. I promise. I couldn't handle that.
Daily Hot Guy [Neil Patrick Harris, AKA NPH, and I SWEAR I do not plan this stuff out, the Blog just knows who I'm talking about and acts accordingly. It's a little scary, if I stop and think about it.]
Awesome * If you've seen this, you need to see it again. If you haven't seen it, you need to be exposed to the endless glory of this video:
Childhood!Fail * Now hold the hell up. I know that kids these days are cuddled and over-indulged and protected from everything, but really, this is starting to get scary.
When it snows, and there is a hill, a kid drags a sleigh up the hill, and sleds down it, and it is fun and exciting and teaches you to avoid crashing into cars or trees or other people. IT IS GOOD FOR YOU.
Well, some parents have decided that dragging those heavy sleighs up those HUGE hills is just too much for their delicate little flowers: {Found at Like Cool] Sleds on your ass. So you can run up the hill and slide down on your ass. Because sleds are LAME, it seems. THIS IS CRAP. NO. YOU DRAG THE SLEIGH UP AND IT BUILDS CHARACTER. I LOVED MY LITTLE RED SLEIGH WHEN I WAS GROWING UP. And you know what? If I was a little kid, and saw another kid with their butt encased in plastic, I'd kick them. Repeatedly. Because that's what kids DO. How much do you want to bet that this kids' name is Chair Universe Artichoke Dream or something?
Wow * Longtime blog readers will recall the time I tried to sell some very ugly handmade scarves on Etsy. I felt bad for charging money for such things, although they never sold, so my guilt was short-lived. This made me feel better about the whole venture: [Found at Regretsy] I like the bit where she designed it. Because I used to do that with unbent paper clips when I was bored.
Blog * I think the second album I ever bought was the soundtrack to Pocahontas. What? Title is from Shaun of the Dead.
* I love these socks that meta_louise made: They are fuzzy and delightful.
* Michelle broke the rules. She spoke ill of a movie that featured Ron Perlman. We do not do these things. DENIAL IS AN ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE TO The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. BECAUSE IT HURTS MY SOUL. Clearly Ron Perlman was Photoshopped into the movie. Can we all pretend this? For me?
Daily Buy * This is your holiday gift-guide of stuff I think is cool, and should be purchased for someone. Like me, maybe.
For some reason, I lose my temper when I am repeatedly asked to pass the salt/pepper at the table. Once or twice is fine. Hell four or five times is acceptable. But when we enter double digits, I start muttering psychotically about how everyone should have their own salt and pepper shakers, and why the hell do you need so much damn seasoning. These would solve the problem: [Found at Nerd Approved] THEY WALK. YOU WIND THEM AND THEY WALK. This amuses me. I would have a small army of spice-filled robots marching across the table.
Comics * I have been on a Joker kick as of late. I love him. He is a mean scary clown, which would naturally lead you to believe that he scares the shit out of me (and sometimes he does, because GOD DAMN), but he is also probably my favorite villain of all time (I am unoriginal) (incidentally, Iron Man is still my favorite hero, and I stand by that, and if these two ever face off TELL ME, so I can keel over in fangirl joy) (I do like Deadpool a lot, of course, but Iron Man is still my favorite, ever since I read Demon In A Bottle). The Joker gets full points for the most creative, fucked-up kills in the comic 'verse (I wait now for someone to correct me). This is one of my favorites:
Also this one, from The Dark Knight, because he FINISHES THE TRICK. 'It's... ah, it's gone!'
Daily Hot Guy [Alan Tudyk, AKA Alpha Wash (it matters not that both these shows have been cancelled, they embody all that is Win in him, and he shall be referred to as such for ALWAYS), in a bathtub, with soap in his hair. Looking stoned. The whole movie this is from has no merit beyond him.]
Fine, fine. In the sake of journalistic integrity, or whatever, I will read the whole thing, so I know what I'm linking to. One second.
OH FUCKING GOD. OH MY EYES. THEY CAN NEVER UNREAD THIS. OH SHIT. I NEED ALCOHOL. NOW. GALLONS OF RUBBING ALCOHOL FLOWING THROUGH THE STRIP. HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE? YOU DO NOT DO THAT TO SOMEONE'S HEAD. EVER.
Tore through blood? I don't believe that's how liquids work.
This also may have some of the funniest FFF comments ever, which will comfort me as I check myself into a sanitarium, where they pipe in soothing music and keep me away from the internet, where BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO DRACO MALFOY. Jeez, doesn't the kid have enough issues? And after reading this story, ask yourself this question: At what point in the book series do you think the author hatched this idea? BECAUSE IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.
TwiHate * Occasionally people get annoyed about this category. If I don't like Twilight, why do I discuss it? If I have such general fandom love (and I do, which is why I mock it mercilessly), why am I so hard on TwiFans?
The short answer is that I'm a bitch. The longer answer is that I find the books deeply offensive and stupid, the movies mind-bogglingly horrific, the media's angle that 'suddenly girls like comics and fantasy!' angle ridiculous, and the merchandise to be proof that we are living in the end of times.
But I do have friends who like Twilight, and they are smart and wonderful, and to be honest I have no real issue with the fans who just happen to like it. If you're not in any of the above categories, and can laugh at your fandom, I wish you well. It's just the ones who take it seriously - I mean, REALLY seriously, and get very very upset with any sort of fun-poking (look, if you're in a fandom, you need to laugh. Ditto for all you people who REALLY care about a sports team. Or politics. Or anything. If you can't laugh at the things that matter to you, on some level, you're going to be in for a rough ride) - that cause me to have this category.
Also the fact that I hate Stephenie Meyers' work for many reasons. But that's OK, isn't it? How many people hate my various loves? Or make fun of them? They had BLUE CONDOMS when Watchmen came out.
Anyway, moving away from my rant about why Twilight makes me want to scream, here's a poster that sums it up for me: [Found at Geekologie] Taylor Lautner is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD. HE WAS SHARKBOY:
THIS WAS FOUR FREAKING YEARS AGO. Just saying.
And for those of you NAYSAYERS that claim I know not of what I speak, I sat through New Moon yesterday. Really. And I have to say, it is quite possibly the best movie ever to MST3K the SHIT out of. If you have a friend with a similar sense of humor, go now. It was truly beyond words. And by 'beyond words,' I mean utterly terrible and probably illegal in other cultures.
Food!Fail * Some things are not meant to be combined and then frozen: [Found at This Is Why You're Fat] This is the description:
Picnic Popsicles Bacon cheeseburger chunks, ketchup, mustard and onion frozen in strawberry KoolAid.
Did you know you could freeze ketchup? It never occurred to me. But apparently you can. In other news, I need to go throw up.
Politics * Every time Tom DeLay dances, a kitten explodes:
THINK OF THE KITTENS.
Apocalypse How? * Once, when I was a wee lass on vacation with my parents, the plane missed the runway during landing. So we turned around and landed. I was a naive little slip of a thing, and thought this was good fun.
Now I am older, wiser, and prone to crying as I step on a plane, because they are GODLESS KILLING MACHINES.
If this had happened to me on that flight, I'm not sure I'd be able to even speak of planes without shaking and whimpering:
LAVA. PLANES ARE LANDING IN LAVA. What's next, landing in a pit of flesh-eating clowns? WHY DID I JUST TYPE THAT?
Epic!Fail * I eat meat, and I enjoy meat, even though my father is a hardcore vegan and my mother is a vegetarian, and I enjoy many vegan/vegetarian foods. But I also like meat, and find it delicious, and while I respect people's moral stance against consuming animal products, I do not subscribe to that philosophy.
However, I think we can all agree that this is super-fucked-up: WARNING: This is actually a very upsetting video, so I'm going to tell you about it before you innocently click on it and are dumped into a nightmare world of animal torture. This fish is alive. It was lightly fried (while alive), covered in sauce (while alive), then eaten slowly (while alive and moving).
I don't need to explain why this is Epic!Fail, do I?
Doctor Who * Any list of Doctor Who villains that includes Magnus Greel is INARGUABLY brilliant. Totally unrelated, am I the only one who watches new Doctor Who/Torchwood episodes and thinks, 'Brigadier Leader Lethbridge-Stewart would NEVER have allowed UNIT to become such a mess!'? It also just struck me that he and Ianto Jones might have gotten along rather well. I have such thoughts.
I think that was a long enough post for a Sunday, don't you? Off to make presents for people, and possibly find a way to steal Lady Gaga's identity. WHAT? I want her shoes. - LV
Oh, and I finally bought a Warren Ellis T-Shirt Of The Week: But I've had to promise I won't wear it in front of my family members, who hate health care, and health in general, and already suspect me of being a Communist anarchist liberal type-person.
Remake!Fail * I think I've yelled enough about this, but it still manages to make me insane: [Found at Slash Film] YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THE KARATE KID. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE RELATED TO WILL SMITH.
TeeVee * I love Mystery Science Theater 3000. I love it. I love everything about it. I love Tom Serve and Crow and Gypsy. I may love Joel more than Mike because I think Joel is sexy, but I sort of think Mike was better onscreen. WHAT? Joel is AWESOME. I missed him terribly. But I digress. Every episode should be on DVD. They should. Or at least on Instant Watch on Netflix. Here's a list of the best episodes that aren't yet on DVD. PUMAMAN. That is all you need to know. PUMAMAN. Think about the possibilities.
Geek Want * I would like everything on this list. Except the Warren Ellis T-Shirt, obviously. Because I bought that for myself already. Because I'm greedy. For the record, for the rest of the year, this will be more of a shopping advice section, because I am always looking for cool shit to get people (or to have them buy for me, because, as I've said, I am a greedy girl.)
Awesome * I can knit. I can't knit WELL, but I can knit. I am now determined to learn how to knit skunk hats for everyone I know: [Found at Neatorama] SKUNK HATS FOR ALL. But not the cow hat. It looks like the cow is nomming on the babys' head. Which is not what I'm going for. SKUNK PUNK.
Daily Hot Guy [Alan Rickman, and a statue head. I have no idea what is going on in this picture. Nor do I care. SOMETIMES THINGS DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, DO THEY?]
Childhood!Fail * Hmm, a motorcycle for small children based on the adventures of a man who broke nearly every bone in his body multiple times. [Found at Like Cool] And no helmet! This is a fail because on one hand, as a child I would have loved to get this as a gift. But it can only go up to 4 miles an hour. So naturally I would have raised the stakes: 'Hey, Mommy! Look at me!' 'L! HOW DID YOU GET UP ON THE ROOF WITH YOUR MOTORCYCLE?' Point is, this is going to end badly. Either make it go faster, or include detailed instructions on the many ways Evel Knievel injured himself over the years, so dumb-ass parents can't sue. Just a thought.
Wow * I'm not sure how I'd react to seeing this in a subway station: [Found at Das Cabinet des Dr. Ruthven] I'm sure it's meant to be positive and hopeful, but it would sort of freak me out. Good times for WHO, exactly? My good time is not the same as a serial killer's good time. Just saying.
Animals * I want this dog:
What else can I add? I want this dog in my life.
Food!Win * I made this yesterday for Thanksgiving. It's cranberry chutney: [Found at Unfussy Fare] And it was effing GLORIOUS. I would make more, except after yesterday I am never, ever eating again.
Girly Want * I think I need these shoes. I can't figure out how to embed the image, so click here and see them. I also need a reason to wear these shoes, but that comes after I own them.
WTF, INTERNET? * OH MY GOD: [Found at Regretsy] OH MY GOD. No thank you. Make it go away, please. CHIPMUNKS SHOULD NOT EAT MICE. Beatrix Potter would NEVER do this shit to children. I need to hug a stuffed animal.
Music * In my next life, I want to be Lady Gaga:
Can someone make this happen? Please?
Technology * Ikea is both a land of greatness and the place where the mind will crumble. I love Ikea. Here's what you should know about Ikea. Here's the reason I will always love IKEA:
And Jonathan Coulton, obviously.
Crafts * I cannot make this hat. But someone should make it for me: [Found at Instructables] Because I still cannot afford the super-expensive real pajamas they were selling. And that makes me sad.
Spoilers for this weeks' FREAKANGELS below my signature. - LV
SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEKS' FREAKANGELS BELOW - Beautiful art. How did the cops get wise to them? And their hair is so different. It makes it hard for me to tell who they are. MORE IMPORTANTLY, DO WANT THIS: And I'm broke and trying to make nice things for my friends. It's going to be a rough season, guys. ROUGH FOR MY GREED.
Blog * Richard Castle, sensitivity counselor. Title is from Castle.
* Patience found further proof that I am supposed to be living in England, RIGHT NOW:
I WILL GET FREE CAR INSURANCE. OMIGOD.
Books * Here's a list of classic occult books. These are not 'OMIGOD I saw The Craft and I am a witch now!' books. These are the real shit, the history and theory behind these beliefs. Very interesting. I want to read about alchemy. I need to make a gold puppy for one of my friends.
Nostalgia!Win * Say what you will, toys were way more ass-kicking back in the day, especially slime-based toys: [Found at Topless Robot] I HAD THIS. And it stained all my clothes, and my parents despised it, which made me love it even more. I would pretend Slimer was my pet, and I had to find him. It was the most fun. Now they just have freaking computerized shit. NO SLIME AT ALL.
But where's the Gak? I would pretend Gak was my alien pet from the My Teacher Is An Alien book series. I had the best childhood. CAN YOU STILL BUY GAK?
Torchwood * Larissa sent me this right before I fell asleep the other night:
Yeah, I was awake for a long time.
People I Love * It's so easy to make fun of someone who asks a stupid question. This person, however, surpasses that: [Found at Geekologie] I love this person. I salute you, Yahoo! Answers Dude. You are my Hero of The Day.
Daily Hot Guy [Zachary Quinto. Insert stupid and juvenile but totally accurate 'mind meld' joke.]
Stuff To Live * File this under, 'LV didn't read the whole article because the product is shiny and violent and tiny, and these things win her over completely, and it kills you at specific times, maybe.' [Found at Crunch Gear] It's teeny tiny! I'm amused!
d'Armond Speers spoke only Klingon to his child for the first three years of its life.
Klingon? Not Spanish, French, Mandarin? Not some gutteral genuflecting concoction from the deepest recesses of Borneo? Klingon? ...
"I was interested in the question of whether my son, going through his first language acquisition process, would acquire it like any human language," Speers told the Minnesota Daily. "He was definitely starting to learn it."
HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE STAR TREK. THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE. This isn't some deranged fan who thinks that the Klingons are totally coming to visit and are going to need an ambassador when they show up. THIS IS JUST TWEAKED. Poor kid. I hope the kid sues the fuck out of his dad when he gets old enough, then sells the rights to the story. He might be able to pay for his therapy at that point.
PS. Did you know some people translate Shakespeare into Klingon? That's sort of awesome. BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUCKING WITH KIDS. DO YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE. I need more coffee.
Art * This conversation just took place via Gchat: Me: Check out this door handle: [Found at Geekologie] Friend: Holy shit. Me: It's a DOOR HANDLE. Friend: That's really scary. Me: Are you kidding? Imagine going to some guys' house for a first date, and that's his door handle. He's going to be the coolest dude. Think about it! Friend: On the plus side, we probably won't be fighting over guys anytime soon.
Comics * I'd like Marvel Smartass to be president. Of something. Somewhere. This is why.
Meat feast (Beef, ham, pepperoni, chicken, sausage and bacon): Everything you do is related to sex. You're a life support system for a crotch. Get help.
Yep, that's - HEY WAIT A SECOND. CAN I CHANGE MY ANSWER?
Pepperoni Perfection (Double pepperoni, mushrooms and onions): You have lovely hair and gentle eyes. And breath that could fell a hippo.
Much better. HEY.
Whut? * I.... I don't think there's a CORRECT statement to make about this painting: [Found at Regretsy] It's VERY WELL PAINTED. Totally. But... THE FLIES ARE MAKING BABY FLIES. Flies deserve privacy. Also, I never want to see insects doing it. And I just don't get it. At all. I am culturally IGNORANT.
Food!Fail * I have a deep, deep aversion to flavored beers. Not so much (at all) flavored ciders, and I will drink anything from England, because I have a deep and fierce love for all things English. But due to the Adventures With Pumpkin-Flavored Beer, I cannot support beer that is supposed to taste like watermelon: [Found at SlashFood] Which is too bad, because the can is super-cool, and I enjoy beer greatly. No, LV! Remember Oktoberfest! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED. Right. Flavored beer is evil, my friends. YOU WILL NOT TEMPT ME WITH YOUR WILES, SERPENT OF MY DESTRUCTION.
Daily Hot Guy [Edward Norton. I love him, and hope he decides to be in The Avengers movie, because the idea of him and Robert Downey, Jr. acting together makes me almost black out with happy.]
Politics * I love Texas hardcore, even though I've never been there, because awesome people live there, and they deep-fry EVERYTHING, and it's warm there. But John Culberson needs to maybe shut up. Because Hillary Clinton is busy with her job, and doesn't have time for marijuana in England or whatever bullshit your quacking about. Now deep fry me some butter. FOR AMERICA.
* Hi, Universe. First of all, judicial misconduct does NOT mean it's not rape. Second, lying about rape is bad. Especially when your lies are used as defense for the rapist. Third, maybe Roman Polanski uses all his genius in movies, which would explain the almost frighteningly bad life choices he makes. Just a thought. Love, LV
Epic!Fail * This may be illegal, or plagiarism, and I will take it down if need be, but you need to read this whole article to understand how epic this fail IS:
'Flasher' causes bus to hit police station
The alleged flasher being blamed for a bus crash in Hamilton is just 14-years-old.
Police say the teenager exposed himself to a fellow bus passenger, causing the terrified woman to scream.
The driver immediately drove to a nearby police station on River Rd, with the woman still screaming.
The driver stopped and opened the door, but unfortunately forgot to put the bus into neutral.
The vehicle rolled forward, crashing into the police station's entrance way.
No one was injured but the bus suffered a cracked windscreen and the building received minor damage.
Police have arrested the 14-year-old boy and charged him with carrying out an indecent act.
There is nothing I could possibly add to this story. NOTHING. Everything fails here. And everyone. Lady, it's a child's penis. That's weird and awkward, but insane hysterical screaming is MAYBE not the best way to respond. JUST A SUGGESTION.
Because I wouldn't know what to say, but I think this is important, I'm simply copying and pasting, and hoping that sends good vibes out to all those who need it, especially Anissa:
As you may have heard, Anissa, our beloved friend and leader here at Aiming Low, suffered a stroke on Tuesday afternoon. She is in the hospital right now, in the ICU. More than anything, Anissa needs your prayers and positive thoughts but to the many people in the Atlanta area who have offered help to the Mayhew family, we have set up a form for you to fill out so we can have everyone’s contact info in one place (please be assured your information will be kept private). If you are NOT in the Atlanta area but still want to help, you can also leave your information on that form. Things that would be helpful right now are gift cards to restaurants and gift cards to the movies or to Blockbuster (to help keep the kids’ occupied) and gas/hotel gift cards for her extended family. A P.O. Box has been set up to receive any items you wish to send, the address can be found below. Please don’t send anything to the hospital or the Mayhew home. If you have questions, please email helpforanissa@gmail.com We ask that you please respect the Mayhew family’s privacy by NOT calling the hospital and we thank you all SO MUCH for your outpouring of love and support for Anissa and her family. With thanks and love, The Aiming Low Team If you would like to send something to Anissa and her family, we have set up a P.O. Box. 860 Johnson Ferry Road 140-184 Atlanta, GA 30342
Blog * You're welcome, Rimmer. Title is from Red Dwarf.
Art * Um.... [Found at Regretsy] I think if you're a giant penis chasing a vagina, the knife is sort of unnecessary. Also, I don't want to meet the person who hangs this in their home. Would be awkward to make small talk about while sipping tea.
Comics * Have you all been reading Joe Hill's comics? HAVE YOU? [Found at Joe Hill Fiction] I have. And if you haven't, Lovecraftian horror will rain down on you. It will be gross.
Daily Hot Guy [James Franco. Putting on deoderant. I have NO IDEA why this is so sexy, but it totally is, so shut up and enjoy it.]
Food!Fail * What the HELL is pork skin aspic in jelly? [Found at This Is Why You're Fat] I.. ew. I am adding this to my list of 'phrases not to Google.' It looks like freaking TOFFEE. Only with pork skins. We have found something I would not eat, people. Rejoice.
Blog * Eh, they're pretty inclined to hurl, generally. Title is from Six Feet Under.
Star Trek * Danceswithelvis sent me this video of Spock and Kirk, set to Closer by Nine Inch Nails:
It may be the greatest YouTube video out there, and Star Trek will never be the same.
Food!Win * With the fall, I've been craving pecan pie. It's one of the essential fall foods, in my humble opinion, right alongside pumpkin pie, cornbread, and hot apple cider. However, I have not gotten any pecan pie: [Found at Moonglow Gardens] These pecan pie tartlets would be an acceptable alternative.
WTF, INTERNET? * My dog sheds. He sheds short white hairs, and it is annoying. But I refuse to A) Collect his hair and save it. B) MAIL it to someone. C) Pay that someone $80.00 to fashion a HAT out of it. D) Wear said hat out, in public, and tell people I am WEARING MY DOG'S FUR: [Found at Regretsy] This is in some ways worse than just buying a fur coat (which I'm against, because fur is murder, and it makes everyone look like an ass), because at least you don't personally KNOW the skinned mink. You don't rub its belly and feed it and talk to it. YOU DON'T FOLLOW IT AROUND THE HOUSE WITH A PLASTIC BAG AND COLLECT THE FUR, THINKING, 'I will wear this as a fetching hat!'
And no, I'm not even going INTO the person knitting with the hair of strangers' dogs. UNCLEAN? AND WHAT IF IT'S NOT DOG HAIR? I have scared myself.
Music * Everyone else can look at Paul McCartney and John Lennon. That's fine. I am simply staring at George Harrison, and the GREATEST PANTS A MAN HAS EVER WORN: [Found at No Good For Me] George was the best Beatle. YEAH, I said it. And I'll defend it. TO THE END.
Daily Hot Guy [Bruce Campbell. NOTE: If you cannot contact Bruce Campbell, Ron Perlman is an acceptable alternative. SECOND NOTE: So is Nathan 'The Hammer Is My Penis' Fillion. NOTE THE THIRD: Who would win in a fight between Ron Perlman and Bruce Campbell? I don't think I'm supposed to ask such questions....]
Is it really Monday? I think I as gypped out of a weekend day at some point. I think I'd like to go back to bed. HELP ME, BRUCE CAMPBELL! YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE. - LV
PS The original Wicker Man is twisted and scary and brilliant. Jason X is also brilliant, albeit in a completely different sense of the word. JASON VOORHEES IN SPACE. THINK ABOUT IT.
I want to be a badass ninja/assassin/killer angel /steampunk/detective/zombie-hunter/knitting expert/
coffee girl/scientist/author/fashionista/world traveler. WIth tattoos.
