05 December 2010

Not An Update

. 05 December 2010
4 comments

I'm still not ready to come back to blogging, but if you miss my inane ramblings, you can go here, which is a truncated version of this blog.

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15 May 2010

I Tried To Stay In The Car. I Really Did!

. 15 May 2010
6 comments

Blog
* He's lying, you know. He didn't try to stay in the car AT ALL. Title is from Castle, which got renewed!

People I Love
* Kelly Osbourne looks awesome (and I want her hair), her fiancee is adorable and practically clear he is so pale and blonde, and her dress amuses me to no end:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Really, how do I get that hair color? We as a society need to make this happen.

Geek Want
* When did sneakers become so amazingly cool again? And can we possibly get some Firefly sneakers? OOH, or Doctor Who-themed Converse, in honor of David Tennant? I HAVE SHOE IDEAS THAT THE WORLD NEEDS. Ahem. Here are Paper Mario Nikes:

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, but my Imaginary Sneakers Of Super Awesome wouldn't be almost $200. That amount of money doesn't exist! HAHA.... I want to go shopping.

Food!Fail
* After multiple cakes of adorable charm, I figured I'd show you one that will crush your soul and destroy the very fiber of your being:

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Saddest. Cake. Ever.

Technology
* Here's a guide for watching porn on your iPad at work. I don't have an iPad, I don't watch porn (especially at work), and to be honest the fact that this article exists makes me want to sob over the fate of society. People, please: WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME TO ENJOY PORNOGRAPHY. Or at least aren't at work. I know it's about office work, but I just keep thinking about airplane pilots doing this, and I have ENOUGH PLANE ANXIETY AS IT IS, OK?

Life Lessons
* I love Spongebob, and I will not apologize for that. Plankton and Squidward are brilliant. And after a long day at work, sometimes I want to watch a talking sponge go jellyfishing with a squirrel, OK? I DON'T JUDGE YOUR LIFE. And while there are endless jokes involving Spongebob, and drugs, few are quite so accurate. Here's your handy guide for the spongey chemicals.:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Oh, and one episode definitely had a joke about Spongebob innocently delivering drugs to Patrick. For reals.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, AKA Sam Merlotte from True Blood. Have I mentioned I miss True Blood? In the South, everyone has amazing supernatural sex all the time and drinks and eats insane food. It's on HBO, so you know it's true.]

Daily Icon

[Sophia Loren, proof that goddesses do walk among us, and maybe if we stand close to them we can absorb some of their fabulosity.]

Movie!Win
* Have you seen The Raven? It's six minutes of epic fucking genius:

Avatar can EAT ME, I'll just watch this for two hours. And you know what? I'll be HAPPIER.

Wow
* Guys, what do you even want me to say here? What COULD I SAY? I just... I don't know. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's been a weird week, with a lot of stress, and I don't even OWN any chicken memorabilia:

[Found at The World's Best Ever]
To quote Warren Ellis, NO CHIKKINS.

WTF, INTERNET
* Ladies and gentlemen, I present a reusable Pokemon Maxi Pad. So when women have their period, they look at Pikachu:

[Found at Neatorama]
This is either the best thing or the worst thing ever to have happened in the history of the universe. I don't know. I can't decide. It's sort of hilarious, and entertaining, but it's Pokemon and I don't know. I'm more alarmed that someone looked at a Pokemon and decided to create a maxi pad. Who looks at Pikachu and thinks, "Wow, I'd love to BLEED ALL OVER THAT ONCE A MONTH?" I DEMAND AN ANSWER. Or maybe not. Maybe some things are best left unknown.
And maybe it's just me, but I don't much like the idea of Pokemon leaping into my lower orifice.

Animals
* BABY WOMBAT BABY WOMBAT IT IS SO TINY AND WEE AND BABY WOMBAT:

[Found at Daily Mail]
Wombats are native to New Jersey, right? I CAN HAZ? I'll name him Sigfried, and he can sleep at the foot of my bed with my dog and cat. BABY WOMBAT.

Music
* If Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Metallica all had a huge orgy and then a hideous freak baby emerged from that unholy union, this is what we'd get:

I've named it MetalliGaga. Featuring Beyonce.

TeeVee
* I am full of conflict. For years, FOX has been the Evil TV Overlord. They cancel ALL the shows I love, and make me cry, and fuck up the order of the episodes they do air (remember what they did to Firefly? DO YOU?) or they cut the number (Arrested Development) and basically take every show I love and shit all over it, leaving me a miserable and angry fangirl shouting into the void of the internet, while Life, Unexpected gets renewed on the CW (I have never seen this show, but the commercials were so obnoxious that I hate the show forever now) (CW is still the WB, no matter what ANYONE says).

But the winds are changing. No, really. This year, FOX made Glee, and they renewed Human Target AND Lie To Me, when common sense insisted that one of them would get the axe, which made me enormously happy, because now I have snarky British Tim Roth AND Jackie Earle Haley on a weekly basis. So apparently FOX is taking a break from making me sad, since they already cancelled Dollhouse a while back.

BUT BUT now NBC is being dickish. As I mentioned, they cancelled Heroes. And while I love the show (I have to admit Igave up this season because I had no idea what was going on, and nobody seemed to have any clue what they were doing, and Hiro was sad all the time, and Sylar was more whiny than insane/sexy, among other reasons) it was time for it to go. It had a good few years (its first season remains genius) and deserves to step out with dignity (and a return of Christopher Eccleston as Crazy Invisible Pigeon Man Of Secks?).

Unfortunately, NBC has decided to steal the Dickish Network title from FOX, for reasons I cannot comprehend, and is just ENDING the series on a CLIFFHANGER, and not even giving us a series finale TV movie episode THING. AND THAT IS HORSE-SHIT. LV DOES NOT APPROVE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. The show was really good, and juggled some very complex (occassionally demented) plot lines, and ROBERT FORRESTER WAS A VILLAIN, DUDES. AND SULU WAS ON IT. SULU. SULU WILL FUCK A BITCH UP. God dammit, I'm remembering how much I used to love the show.

OK, new plan: Sylar and Peter Petrelli team up and fight the NBC Executive assholes, shirtless, and Hiro makes that adorable wobbly face, and Sulu KILLS EVERYONE, and then the cute boys all kiss, and Claire falls down a well (OH, and Ali Larter, who does not have a power but a DISORDER) the end.

I miss Heroes.
- LV

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14 May 2010

Big Damn Heroes.

. 14 May 2010
2 comments

Blog
* This needs to be added to my list of T-Shirts I must make. Title is from Firefly.

Comics
* I don't usually follow Spider-Man's orders, but I do believe in the importance of voting:

That being said, I'd do pretty much anything The Beast said. You don't mess with him. He's a large blue dude. You don't piss off large blue dudes.

Girly!Want
* I need everything in the following picture, and you all need to buy it for me:

[Found at Haute Macabre]
Why do you need to buy it for me? Oh, there's an excellent reason.... but I can't tell you. It's a secret. Just trust me, and send money.

Food!Win
* This is the cutest cake since the Wall-E cake. Maybe even cuter:

[Found at Geekologie]
Yes, it is in fact cuter. But not too cute to eat. In fact, it's too cute NOT to eat. Look, I don't have to make sense, it's a goddamn Ewok cake and I need to nom it RIGHT NOW.

Words Of Win
* So I think Heroes is canceled (the information is confusing and contradictory, and Greg Grunberg keeps saying it isn't, and I suspect NBC doesn't really know, or they're worried Zachary Quinto will get into method acting and try to study their brains).


Which is too bad, because for a while it was a brilliant show with much awesome and sexy guys angsting all over the place. Which I enjoy. I hope they do a TV movie series finale, because the show deserves a good send-off. And maybe Christopher Eccleston will come back with his pigeons. A girl can dream. But I digress:

I think if Sylar and Peter had just hugged more, the show would have remained good. PS Claire annoys me.

Childhood!Fail
* It's not unplugged, is it?

[Found at Friggin Random]
Nope, it totally isn't unplugged. Who wants to field trip to the hospital?

Daily Hot Guy

[James Marsters, who is inarguable proof that an English accent makes even hot guys hotter. It's inexplicable, and unquestionable. Anyway, he's in a suit, and if you pretend he's speaking to you in a British accent, life is quite wonderful.]

Daily Icon

[Xena, who hung out with Bruce Campbell, which is even FURTHER proof she's a goddess.]

Iron Man 2
* Hopefully you've seen it by now, and SAM ROCKWELL was in it, which I knew and then forgot about, because I am a terrible person. I love Sam Rockwell. I want him to be the villain next time. That would delight me. Anyway, here's a clip:

I saw it twice in one weekend. Actually within 24 hours. Not on purpose. Honest. Tony Stark rules.

Whut?
* Continuing my theory that People Are Awful/Confusing/Frightening, I present Ginormous Mermaid Bosoms On A Tiny Little Girl:

[Found at World Of Wonder]
I'm not even going into 'Mermaid Assistant.'

Doctor Who
* The Doctor in LEGO form! Lookit! Nine! With a Banana! Random Capitalization!

[Found at Neatorama]
I miss Nine. I want a Three Doctors with Nine, Ten, and Eleven. Please? I've been a very good girl. In my mind.

True Blood
* True Blood is getting another werewolf this season. And, since it's True Blood, there will be enormous amounts of nudity:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Frankly, as long as Eric Northman shows up and is hot and evil and text messaging people, I don't give a shit what happens.

Supernatural
* Rather than post a review of last night's season finale of Supernatural (as I screamed on Twitter, TOO MANY EMOTIONS TO EXPRESS WITH MERE WORDS, BUT I THINK IT WAS GOOD, YES?), here's a GIF that makes life worth living:

[Swiped from Miss Bushido, who shows me such goodness]

Epic!Win
* This sums up my entire view of internet life:

[Found at Very Demotivational]

Books
* Sigh..... Here's a review of 1984 from Amazon:
At first I did like the book. Then it just started to suck right around the time when Winston was getting sexually involved with his girl friend. I hated the book so much that I forgot her name. The first hundred or so pages i liked, then it just got really boring. So II highly reccomend that you DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. And please for the love of God don't read that "Brave New World" book by Hoxley. It is twice as worse as 1984. To put it bluntly, DON'T READ ANY GEORGE ORWELL. Your just waisting your time.

You misspelled 'Huxley.' And you used the incorrect form of 'your.' And I hate you. I hate you so much. Frankly, I don't think George Orwell WANTS you to like his book. There's a review of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, but it made me feel violent and shouty, so click the link to read it.

Stupidity should be painful. Wait, is that why I have a sinus headache? DON'T ANSWER THAT.
- LV

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13 May 2010

Always Be Yourself, Unless You Suck.

. 13 May 2010
0 comments

Blog
* The world would be so much better if more people followed this simple rule. Title is from Joss Whedon.

* THE BLOG IS BEING UPDATED. THE FOURTH HORSEMAN IS SHOWING UP (actually, if you watch Supernatural, he already showed up, with pizza!). I will be explaining the long absence, but a lot of it is Super Sekrit At The Moment, so just pretend I have been busy knitting and touring the world and living a fabulous life of decadence. Or something.

Want
* Warren Ellis wants us to declare war on the moon:

If Stephen Hawking endorses this course of action, I'm ready to engage in battle. Provided I get a big shiny weapon.

Crafts
* I will be the first to admit I am bad at math. Unless it is algebra, which I am scary good at, numbers confuse and frighten me, and I think you should just figure out the bill, OK?
But even I, with my questionable grasp of simple arithmetic, see a problem here:

[Found at Regretsy]
So... it's $10.00 in money, prettily folded. But you're charging $20.00 PLUS shipping and handling? It's like a riddle. WHERE DOES THE EXTRA $10.00 go? Is this just a test? To see if someone would pay money FOR MONEY OF A LESSER AMOUNT?
I'm not even dealing with the fact that it's shaped like a cross. There's only so much I can handle.

Politics
* So, remember that politician Dave Vitter? And how he got off on wearing diapers around prostitutes?

[Found at Wonkette]
Nothing's going on with him. I just like to remind people that America has a United States Senator who enjoys wearing diapers for sexytimes. That's all. Carry on.

Ad!Fail
* In the following ad, a cucumber is hiding in the shower while a nakedish lady panics because her boyfriend/husband is going to walk in and find her fornicating with the salad:

[Found at LikeCool]
A few notes, dear readers:
A) OUCH.
B) EW.
C) All I can think is, does the cucumber have a penis, or is the woman pleasuring herself with anthropomorphic vegetables? Because the paramedics should be on call.
D) I have no interest in purchasing any product that assumes I want to get naked around fruits or vegetables. And now I'm afraid of salads. Well done.

Scary
* OH GOD IT'S COMING TO GET ME IT WON'T STOP NOTHING WILL STOP IT:

I FOR ONE WELCOME OUR NEW TERRIFYING OVERLORDS THAT CANNOT BE TIPPED OVER.
The longer you watch this video, the more upsetting it gets.

Social Networking
* Still, doesn't one get points for honesty?

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Not a lot of points.... but points.... I'm trying to be more positive, and YOU ARE NOT HELPING, INTERNET.

Daily Hot Guy

[Steve Carell, from the not-very-good movie Dan in Real Life, but he's wearing a sweater and plays guitar, and I quite possibly cried when he sang 'Let My Love Open The Door,' because I am an utter sap deep down, and now that I've admitted that I need to go think about violence and explosions and zombies for a while.]

Daily Icon

[Patti Smith, who is cooler than all of us could ever hope to be, COMBINED, with Robert Mapplethorpe, ALSO cooler than anyone could ever dare to hope to be. Man, this is the New York City I wanted to live in. The rest of you can live in Sex & The City. I'll be over here with the amazing people.]

Apocalypse How?
* Some people are working on technology that allows you to steer your car with your eyes. Can you imagine trying to apply mascara with this going on? Or checking out a hot guy? You could meet the hot guy AS YOU CRUSH HIM BELOW THE WHEELS OF YOUR VEHICLE.

And while the article is quick to point out this doesn't seem to be consumer-aimed, THINK ABOUT IT. 'Oh look, a puppy. It's so cute-OH DEAR GOD I CAN'T LOOK AWAY FROM ITS ADORABLE-' CRUNCH. Then you go to hell. The end.

Tattoo Of Win
* I'm not going to lie: I have no idea what's going on here.

[Found at Ugliest Tattoos]
I think it's better that way. Please don't explain it to me. Ignorance is bliss.

Nostalgia!Win
Let's end this on a happy note, shall we?

The Muppets make everything better. That is fact. Anyone found arguing with this fact will be shunned hideously by everyone they know and love.

Tonight is the Supernatural season finale. I'm very nervous. I will be discussing this via blog later. Be prepared.
- LV

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23 April 2010

These Are All Just Random Sentences, Folks.

. 23 April 2010
0 comments

Blog
* That's an amazingly succinct description of my blog. Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

This is just a non-post to tell you all that I'm updating fairly regularly at EllEVeeV, my personal blog, with much yelling and random memes. But I will return to regularly scheduled blog updates, HONEST, and SOON.

OK, resume your Friday, people.
- LV

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14 April 2010

What Are You Hacking Off? Is It My Torso?! It Is! My Precious Torso!

. 14 April 2010
4 comments

Blog
* He's going to feel really dumb when he realizes they're actually cutting off his less significant toes. Title is from Futurama.

Books
* Unusual blog entry ahead: I am going to post a list of my comfort books. These are the books I turn to when I'm tired/stressed out/the world seems cold and cruel/we're out of energy drinks. They sustain me. And as a result, I have huge chunks of them memorized. I've read these books so many times that some are onto second or third copies, simply because the original versions fell apart.

Some of these books are funny, some are sad, some are very strange and probably shouldn't be described as 'comforting,' but these are the books I love best when I feel worst. In no order, because what sort of monster do you think I am?

This is part one, because this turned out to be much longer than I anticipated, and anyway now I get two blog entries out of one idea. GENIUS.

* Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry: I was introduced to this epic Western novel years ago, thanks to the mini-series (which is one of the greatest Westerns, ever, END OF CONVERSATION, and even if you don't like Westerns you should see it and read this book) (if you don't like Westerns, I am totally judging you).


The mini-series may also be the reason I had a very, very long-term crush on Tommy Lee Jones, because Woodrow Call is one of the original B.A.M.F. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

It's a beautiful book. It tells a story, with characters you come to love desperately as they make their way to Montana. It breaks your heart. It intertwines lives in unexpected ways. And every time I read it, I want to run off and be a cowgirl.

There's a whole book series, but the original really is the best, and as for the other movies, David Arquette was in one, and I do NOT wish to discuss that, because it hurts my SOUL.

Oh, and if Woodrow F. Call is unavailable, I'll take July Johnson. He got no love in the book, and that made me sad. And he's played by Chris Cooper in the mini-series. Hell, you know what? Watch the mini-series, then read the book. I'll allow it, this one time.

This is one of the books that fell apart. Badly. I still have the old, broken copy, but one day the pages summarily threw themselves from the book in a desperate bid for freedom.

* A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, by Betty Smith: I've loved this book since I was little, and it's part of the reason I wanted to live in New York.

The problem is, THIS is the New York I imagined, and I got there and realized everyone else wanted to live in Sex & The City, so there was no time for heartbreaking, beautiful stories about poor families and the lives they lead, because we're all talking about BAGS AND ORGASMS, GOD THIS SPECIES IS SHAMEFUL SOMETIMES.

Ahem. The last line of this book makes me cry, every time, because I am always sad that the book is over.

* The Club Dumas, by Arturo Perez-Reverte: This was a movie too, and I was super excited, because I freaking love this book so hard, and the movie was directed by Roman Polanski and starred Johnny Depp.

Unfortunately, that movie ended up being The Ninth Gate, and while Johnny Depp has never been more attractive to me, because I like shabby bastards, the movie was sort of not remotely good.


Even the trailer makes me sad, because Johnny Depp is looking very hot, and Roman Polanski is a brilliant director, and the book is fantastic. But skip the movie, which makes very little sense at all, and I have to wonder if the screenplay simply didn't translate from Spanish, or to Spanish, or something, because really WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

The book is about a terribly immoral, duplicitous rare book dealer who gets mixed up in a bizarre retelling of The Three Musketeers while searching for a book that will supposedly raise the devil. Lucas Corso is a twisted, fucked-up shell of a man, and one of my very favorite characters.

And I may own a copy of The Ninth Gate, but for SCIENCE AND RESEARCH, people. I am a student of the human condition. And Johnny Depp as a chain-smoking rare-books dealer is a very happy idea.

Edit: Is this book out of print? IS IT? I can't seem to find it on Amazon, and that is worrisome, because it is in my opinion Perez-Reverte's best book, and I don't want it to be out of print, DAMMIT.


* Phineas Poe, by Will Christopher Baer: OK, this is a cheat, because it's really three books in one big-ass volume of insane brilliance. You get Kiss Me Judas, Penny Dreadful, and Hell's Half-Acre, which make up the Phineas Poe trilogy, and Phineas Poe is one of the best names ever, right? He's a fucked-up former detective, maybe, whose wife was possibly murdered, but she's definitely dead, we think. And there are assassins and crooked cops and snuff films and drugs and sex and violence and true love and botched surgeries and games where the losers end up dead.

I wish I could accurately describe these books, but they are a surreal, beautiful, acid trip. The writing is gorgeous and disgusting. Just when you think the book is delving into the macabre solely for the shock factor, Baer will deliver a line that is so funny or heartbreaking - or both - that you're tempted to go back to the beginning to revisit every exquisitely painful moment.

Another one of my favorite last lines, which I don't think is in the original publication of Hell's Half Acre, and in my opinion it makes the book.

PS Baer's next novel, Godspeed, was supposed to come out in 2006. I remember. I was working at Barnes & Nobles, where I later got into trouble for suggesting every single customer buy Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis. Especially children.

Anyway, it is 2010, and Godspeed still has not come out, and nobody will tell me why, and I waited for MONTHS and called the company we ordered from so many times that they refused to answer my extension, and I JUST WANT TO READ MORE OF HIS WORDS, WHAT THE HELL? DANIELLE STEELE HAS BOOKS FALLING OUT OF HER ASS (no offense to Ms. Steele, I wish I was as prolific/successful as her, and anyway I haven't read one of her books, um, ever), AND HIS LAST BOOK WAS IN 2005. LOOK HOW ANGRY THIS MAKES ME. I WILL WRECK THIS BLOG WITH MY ANGER. METAPHORICALLY.

PPSS I love you, Mr. Baer, and do not blame you, unless this is your doing, in which case I blame you a LOT.


I must be dead for there is nothing but blue snow and the furious silence of a gunshot. Two birds crash blindly against the glass surface of a lake. I'm cold, religiously cold.
That's just the first fucking LINES, MAN. I think I need to go read it again.
- LV

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05 April 2010

Have You Ever Watched Daytime TV? It's Terrible.

. 05 April 2010
4 comments

Blog
* Obviously this does not include Maury, who is beyond such verbal slander. Title is from Supernatural.

Wow
* This disturbs me on so many levels. This is in no way OK. George Lopez and Wax George Lopez share a tender moment:

[Found at Best Week Ever]
This could be the opening scene of the WORTS PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE EVER. OH GOD MY MIND'S EYE JUST BLINDED ITSELF.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know, Internet, we need to talk. I get that as a culture we are fascinated and amused by penises. We're a little fixated. I get it. I won't argue that. But we may be entering truly depraved territory here:

[Found at Nerd Approved]

DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS? IT IS A FAN, WHERE THE PENIS IS THE FAN, AND HIS BODY IS ALL DEFORMED, AND HIS PENIS IS A FAN, GUYS. A FAN PENIS. Maybe I'm a weird girl, but DO NOT FREAKING WANT. WHY IS HIS PENIS A FAN? WHY IS IT COMING OUT OF HIS BELLY BUTTON? WHY WOULD I PAY $10.00 FOR A DEFORMED LITTLE MAN WITH A PENIS FAN?

WE HAVE BEEN BROUGHT LOW, PEOPLE.

Writing
* When I am having writer's block, or need inspiration, or just want someone to admit that writing can REALLY SUCK AS A CAREER, SOMETIMES, I read Warren Ellis' blog:

Ha ha I thought I was done with the Marvel Anime job but it turns out I forgot something that they need in 48 hours ha ha oh god my eyemeat hurts and I’m sleeping in four-hour blocks and god I hate deadlines so much especially when it’s my own damn fault for thinking this stage wasn’t due yet and I will be done with this job today or this job will be done with me and so will life.

Then I feel better, until I remember that he gets paid to make the words, and I do not, and then I have to go be alone for a while, with my RAGE.

Easter
* I know YESTERDAY was Easter, but you know what? Time is an illusion, and blogs are timeless, and I wasn't near the internet yesterday, because I was busy eating and drinking and making merry with various relations, SO BITE ME. Anyway, consider it a kindness that I'm posting this AFTER Easter:

[Found at Regretsy]
So you decapitate the lamb-cake, and it bleeds, and nobody in your immediate family is EVER OK, AGAIN, THE END. What is going ON in Milwaukee? Are lambs slaughtered on Easter? I don't know these things, I just show up at the parties and eat stuff and wear super-cute outfits. That's how I roll.

This is how Jesus rolls:

[Found at World of Wonder]
JESUS AND A WEE BABY RAPTOR. YES. ALL RELIGIONS WOULD BE IMPROVED BY THE ADDITION OF RAPTORS.

Animals
* OK, I need to correct myself. America is obsessed with penises, and our pets. From the time I was a wee sprat of a lass, I have been taught, NO PETS AT THE TABLE. Particularly when you have to STRAP your pets to the table:

[Found at Incredible Things]
This is insane. I am sorry, but COME ON. It's a high chair, for a small cat or dog. Now, the animals I know would not be happy about this. They would claw the EVERLOVING FUCK out of a table, rather than deal with this sort of indignity. And it's $50.00.

You know what? The Four Horsemen aren't showing up. They're too EMBARRASSED.

Music
* Louden Swain is the band of Prophet Chuck from Supernatural. They are also incredibly good, and that confuses me, because Prophet Chuck should not be singing such lovely, funny, catchy songs:

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE. UP IS DOWN. BLACK IS WHITE. NERDS ARE HOT. Wait, nerds are always hot. Carry on.

Movie!Fail
* Remember XXX? The stupid Vin Diesel movie, pretty much like every other stupid Vin Diesel movie, only he had tattoos, I think (I don't really mind Vin Diesel. He has terribly nice arms, and has made a career out of having nice arms and a deep voice, and I respect that). I don't remember, except that the opening scene had Rammstein, yes? And Samuel L. Jackson was there? Right?

OH, and there was a sequel, with Ice Cube, but I didn't see it. But now we're on the third installment, which will be in 3-D.
FEAR AND LOATHING PREDICTION: There will be at least one line about "XXX.... IN 3-D" or some awful play on words that will make me die inside at the FAIL of the world.

Did you guys know we're up to the fifth installment of The Fast & The Furious? Yeah, I'm sad too.

Daily Hot Guy
neil patrick harris Pictures, Images and Photos
[Neil Patrick Harris, AKA NPH, AKA HE'S GOING TO BE ON GLEE, YOU GUYS. DO YOU COMPREHEND THE PROFOUND RIGHTNESS OF THE UNIVERSE IN THAT STATEMENT? Oh, NPH, how do I love thee? Let us feast upon White Castle, and you can sing to me, OK?]

Daily Icon

“In America you can get away with murder, but not with sex.”
- Xaviera Hollander

Want
* Have I ever told you guys about when I worked at Troma Studios? Yep, I interned there one summer, and MAN, do I have some stories. Ask me some time, and I will offer forth tidbits of the glorious-ness.

Since I worked at Troma, and had to do some pretty degrading things (but it's OK, for ART) I should get these radiation barrel glasses for free, right?

[Found at Geekologie]
And yes, I know that these aren't made by Troma, and have pretty much nothing to do with Troma at all, but in my mind they have a correlation, and so I get them for free. SO IT IS WRITTEN, SO IT SHALL BE DONE.

Harry Potter
* For those of you that are not almost deliriously excited by the Harry Potter theme park, I'd suggest you skip over to the next section, because I am pretty fucking stoked beyond words about this, and if you think it's lame, that is just dandy, more butterbeer for me, FUCKERS.

Ahem. Behold, Hagrid's hut:

[Found at Slash Film]
I'm going to get wasted with Hagrid and go flirt with Snape. SHUT UP, BEST THEME PARK EVER. You're just jealous. Fools.

Interwebz
* 'Chexting' is my new least-favorite word. I hate it. It's cheating through text. Like sexting, We don't need to shorten ALL WORDS, people. Journalism used to be about figuring out corrupt political scams, or exposing injustice. Not thinking up the technological equivalent of 'Bennifer.'

Anyway, let's see what they say:
Their affairs have spawned a new word in pop culture, chexting, and raised the question of whether it really is cheating on a spouse. The experts say, you bet it is.
"It's lipstick on the cellular -- digital proof that becomes evidence you've been unfaithful," says Peter Dedman of Predicto Mobile, the largest paid mobile community in America.

Lipstick on the cellular? I hate everyone. Ever. All the time. THIS IS NOT NEWS.

PS As I was told on Twitter, 'Chexting' sounds more like the snack than a crime. Chex are delicious.

We are all doomed, but it's OK, because Neil Patrick Harris will sing to us, and maybe do a duet with Louden Swain, IN MY MIND.
- LV

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29 March 2010

Clouds Don't Kill People. People Kill People.

. 29 March 2010
1 comments

Blog
* What if people killed people, only with the mighty power of clouds? Did I just blow your mind? HA, a wind joke... don't look at me. Title is from Psych.

* April I will be blogging every day for NaBloPoMo, because the blogging here has been disgraceful. Really, there is dust everywhere, no one has been in here to blog in ages, and IS THAT A ROACH? SOMEONE KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Music
* I am going to pimp out my friend Danielle's EP, Stagefright at Traffic Lights, because A) she is brilliant and beautiful and Irish, B) she is a wonderful friend, and C) the EP is remarkable. My personal favorite song is 'Pact,' but her piano work and lyrics are lovely, funny, and sad. It's dark, clever cabaret, and worth a listen. You can sample the songs for free, but you need to download the album to get two secret tracks. Oh, and Danielle is also a writer, a blogger, and I think I need to go visit her in October at Octocon, FOR SCIENCE.

Whut?

[Found at VeryDemotivational.com]
I get it's supposed to be a joke, but Patrick Star over in the corner is REALLY freaking me out. Also, WHAT?

Food!Win
* See, this cake is too cute to eat, which I think is rude.

[Found at Geekologie]
How can I eat something so adorable and sweet and wholesome? ....OK, I would, but I'd feel guilty about it. Really guilty. There would be tears. Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer had to eat Pinchie, because Pinchie would have wanted it? Yeah, basically that, only me weeping between bites of cake, whimpering, "Why did you have to be so delicious, Wall-E, stop staring at me is that real buttercream icing?"

Words Of Win
* See, guys, it's stuff like this that makes people hate America:

[Found at FailBlog]
Hell, I hate us, and I live here. Oh, and I really wish they'd put an apostrophe in "you'd," because that is how my brain works.

Fandom
* Did you know you can buy a replica of the dagger Jake used in Avatar?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
For $129, you can immediately ostracize the many, many people who didn't like Avatar (or, like me, thought it was overrated, and preferred the original version, AKA Ferngully: The Last Rainforest).


But you know what you can't buy? The best picture Oscar, HAH. It's OK, James Cameron is wiping his tears with $100 bills, while I make nasty comments about his expensive memorabilia. So everyone wins, really. Remember when Avatar lost the Oscar to a movie that didn't involve hair!sex? Yeah, I was excited. I'm sorry, it was a beautiful movie - really, visually gorgeous and I want to be Sigourney Weaver when I grow up, but I am an immature young lady, and I cannot get past the fact that they ran around STICKING THEIR BODY PARTS IN LIVING THINGS. It's rude. I'm sorry, this is the last rant on Avatar ever. It's time to let it go. I must be stronger than my exasperation.

What was I talking about? Oh, the daggers. They're very pretty.

People I Love
* Did I ever tell you guys about the time Warren Ellis Tweeted me, and I was so worried I'd say something to inspire his much-deserved wrath that I had to turn off my laptop and go drink some tea, to calm down? Probably, because I love and fear Warren Ellis and the awful things he says. I also love Twitter, to the point where my private account has a shameful number of Tweets that speaks of serious problems, but I never use my Facebook, so it evens out, RIGHT?

Anyway. This is how Warren Ellis refers to Twitter:
Twitter: A Shitbox For Your Brain

And thus it is. I mean, look at what he writes on Twitter. BEHOLD:
* Haven’t trimmed my beard in so long that it’s gone from Crackling Virility Hedge to Hobo Rape Thicket.


If Twitter is a Shitbox for your brain, there are disturbing implications about my need to compulsively Tweet my irritation over toilet paper commercials.
(WHY BEARS? SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW THIS WILL SELL ME A PRODUCT).

Love and fear are both part of the Warren Ellis packet. And sometimes some nausea. Also, I really really need this Brain Bleach Mug, so someone should buy it for me. I'll blog more! And... drink coffee from it, probably.

Daily Hot Guy
[Misha Collins, AKA Castiel from Supernatural, AKA "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," AKA BAMF ANGEL, AKA did you know his appearance is based on Constantine from Hellblazer? Yes, I have a problem with him. No, I don't want to talk about it. 2010: The Year Of Hot Badass Angels. And LV said it was good.]

Daily Icon

[Carrie Fisher, inarguable proof that you can be a total hottie, an actress, an author, a memoirist, and a brilliantly funny human being. And have a sense of humor about your gold bathing suit.]

Awesome
* It's funny because it's true. And it explains why blogging in the morning can be nigh on impossible, when there is suddenly decaffeinated coffee in the vicinity. What is the point of decaf? TO DESTROY LIVES AND BLOGS, THAT'S THE POINT.

[Found at The Oatmeal]
There are four more phases, and only two of them are good. The other two... we don't talk about those. You can't crash if you NEVER STOP DRINKING CAFFEINE. No, I never abused my caps lock key before I started ingesting energy drinks on a daily basis, why do you ask?

Technology
* I usually blame the failings of technology on the evil demons that live in the internet, or my own near-legendary skill to destroy things without trying. So when this reason came up in the Bastard Operator From Hell-Style Excuses Server, I felt JUSTIFIED:
Daemon escaped from pentagram .

The excuses on this page for server errors make me happy, and I think if we all used them constantly, the world would be a better place. Now someone go redraw the pentagram. And get more rock salt.

Life Lessons
* I don't know if Millarca made this or just found it, but either way it is the ultimate and final truth:

If she and Freddie Mercury joined forces, the universe would be a fabulous and lovely place. Why is this not the way life is?

Movie!Win
* Yes, this is very old, but you know what? Win is Win, and I demand that some of these improbable movie trading cards exist, RIGHT NOW:

[Found at Automatic Lifestyle Dispenser]
I would buy Barton Fink trading cards. I would buy them like nobody's business. And Miller's Crossing trading cards. Man, that was a fantastic movie. Oh, and remember The Hudsucker Proxy? I love the Coen brothers. And they seem like they'd make trading cards, don't they? This feels so right.

Wow
* Sometimes, I really and truly believe that the internet was created with the sole purpose of slowly driving us all insane:

[Found at LikeCool]
Why? Who looks at a mosquito (one of the most evil creatures on the planet, and right up there with raisins and clowns on the list of Things LV Hates & Fears), and thinks, 'Gee, wouldn't it be super-nifty if mosquitos were mated with elephants, and destroyed civilization by SMOOSHING US, THEN SUCKING THE SMOOSHED BLOOD?' You know what? I don't want to know the logic there. Mosquitos are evil, and I hate them, and now I need a tennis racket for when it gets warmer, because these things are coming.

Yes, artistically it's gorgeous and well-done, but let's forget that and focus on the abject horror here. And why do I feel like the elephant is undressing me with his eyes? I'm all sorts of uncomfortable.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know what? It's images like these that make me want to give up on this category, because there is HONESTLY NOTHING I could write that would in any way enhance the insanity of this product:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
It's a Screaming Condom USB drive. Yeah. You know, I don't get paid for this. And if I did, I'd be demanding a raise, because HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE ANY JOKES ABOUT A SCREAMING CONDOM USB DRIVE? THE PRODUCT IS THE JOKE. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE.

Now I have a headache, and a pervasive fear that a random blue condom will show up and scream at me, and I will never know why. Well played, Internet.
- LV

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15 March 2010

Did You Ever Get That Ninja Ghost Out Of Your Toilet?

. 15 March 2010
5 comments

Blog
* Actually, we came to a cautious truce with the ninja ghost. His name is Frank. We don't use that toilet anymore. Title is from Invader Zim.

* LOOKIT. A REAL BLOG ENTRY.

WTF, INTERNET?
* At first, I thought this was just a joke.
epic fail pictures
see more Epic Fails
It's not.
Now, let's try to imagine using this in real life. What do you do when your partner straps this onto their head? How do you respond? Laughing awkwardly while trying to gather up your clothes? Hitting them with the nearest lamp and fleeing to a nunnery/convent/monastery?
I can see someone buying this as a gag, but the idea of a person purchasing this with the serious intent of using it to find their partners' bits just messes with my head. You should not need a special light for this. The end. NO, THE END. The conversation is over.

Fandom
* I don't give a crap WHICH fandom you are a member of, this may very well be the most terrifying pillow in existence:

[Found at Regretsy]
Its neck NEVER ends. It just goes on and on forever, and bobs gently in the breeze, as it stares at you with its dead, empty eyes.
And the name itself bugs me: Manllow. Shouldn't it be 'Manillow'? Or are we worried that Barry Manilow will sue? This pillow raises questions I simply am not qualified to answer.

Animals
* I'm pretty sure one of the girls from World Peace Through Jackie Earle Haley showed me this. I remember crying with laughter for several minutes.


I want this frog to be America's mascot. Not for any political reasons. I just love this frog.

Music
* The quality isn't great, but A) it's Butch fucking Walker, and B) I WAS AT THIS SHOW, with the sublime Laroux74, and we had to SWIM to get there, and I want to go again. He's better in concert, and I didn't think that was possible.


Zombies
* The fact that this site exists makes up for pretty much everything I've ever shown in WTF, INTERNET?. Oh, and it confirms that ZOMBIES ARE TAKING OVER. WE ARE DOOMED. WHERE'S MY FLAME THROWER? I TOLD YOU GUYS I NEEDED ONE.
I found a date through zombie harmony - one of the best free dating sites for zombies
Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)

Scary
* I hate myself for posting this. Reason number infinity I DO IN FACT NEED A FLAME THROWER, YOU GUYS. BURN THE EVIL.

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Clowns are proof that we live in an insane, evil universe that wants us to cry under the covers forever.

Daily Hot Guy

[It's OK, everyone! Tim Roth is here and he's going to shoot the clown, then set it on fire, light a cigarette off the burning clown, and make a pithy yet cutting remark in his accent. I feel better now. Tim Roth=Destroyer of Evil.]

Daily Icon

[Maya Angelou, writer, poet, literary goddess, and surprisingly funny when she's not breaking your heart. If all you've read of her work is I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings (in high school, under duress), reread it. Then go find her other works. Her poetry is breathtaking.]

Social Networking
* At least it's succinct:
Funny Facebook Fails
see more funny facebook stuff!

Girly!Want
* Hopefully my readers either like really pretty shoes that I cannot afford, or naked lady butts:

[Found at Like Cool]
For those of you that enjoy both, you are very welcome. Now get me those shoes.

Food!Win
* Why isn't there a God of Caffeine? I mean, I jokingly make up minor gods all the time, like the God of Tangled Yarn, or the Goddess of Tripping In Front Of Your Ex And His New Girlfriend, or Goddess Of Being Out Of The One Goddamn Comic I Want To Buy This Week, but those don't count. I mean a real God of caffeine. Or a religion. We could worship caffeine, and talk about our favorite ways of ingesting caffeine, and maybe sacrifice sleeping pills to caffeine, possibly? This is starting to sound more like a support group. Which I'm also OK with.
And we could eat these:

[Found at ThinkGeek]
Yes, caffeinated cookies exist. And if you ingest them with energy drinks, you can run backwards through time. Or, you know, keel over and have to spend some time in the hospital.
Notice I managed to write a whole entry about caffeine without abusing the capslocks key. Just a sign of how little caffeine I have ingested today, and why I am a sleepy little blogger.

Moment Of Win
* Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the dentist....
fail owned pwned pictures
see more Epic Fails
You know what would be even SCARIER? Put the oral sex light on the bear's head.

Epic!Fail
* I love England, and I want to move there and live there forever, because I think it's the best place in the universe. I am a fan of England. But before I relocate across an ocean for the love of all things British, events like these must stop taking place:
A DECISION to drop charges against a 10-year-old yob who admitted stabbing a teacher in the chest with a pencil and assaulting two other staff was condemned last night by teaching unions.

Children: Do not stab your teachers with ANYTHING. This is something I should not have to tell you. (Incidentally, why are you reading this blog, hypothetical child? WHAT ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING?)
Police: Do not drop charges against people who stab other people, with pencils or ANYTHING ELSE, OK?
Actually, if this had taken place in America, the kid would have stabbed EVERYONE with bayonet he made out of beer cans, and there'd already be a reality show about it, a made-for-TV movie, and a clothing line with strategically placed holes. So never mind, England. Carry on. Love, LV

People I Love
* I cannot draw. At all. In my wildest fantasies, I cannot draw. I accept this with a measure of bitterness, because I would very much like to have some talent in that area.
Luckily, my friends are brilliant, and draw pictures of Spider Jerusalem that make me happy in every way possible:

{Drawn by Puina]
So she'll draw things, and I can be all, 'I know wicked talented people, bitches,' and take pride through the accomplishments of others. Excellent plan.

I'd make some promise to blog regularly, but then you'd all be cross if I don't, and frankly I don't need that stress in my life. But I have an upcoming interview to post, reviews, yelling, stuff you need to buy made by people I know and love, and even a few serious pieces. It's ALL HAPPENING, PEOPLE. Eventually.

And if I don't blog, my excuse is that the state has FLOODED, and I'm chilling on my roof.
- LV

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